My double bed is bigger than normal tonight.
Cushiony expanses of miles, the stretching white,
Like the miles I’ll remember in tomorrow’s light.

"So, where do I fit in in your life?"

You want to know where you fit in?

You're every meal I didn't eat in the hope that those missing calories would make you miss me.

You're every coffee I buy from your favourite coffee shop and every point on my loyalty card that I'll never spend.

You're every walk back home that I craned my neck in the hopes of catching a glimpse of you only to be disappointed.

You're every time someone lit up a cigarette near by and I breathed it in because even though I hate the smell it's still your smell.

You're every awkward silence on the phone or in the street in which I tried my hardest to be funny or cool but never was.

You're every time I drunkenly cried in a bathroom and I didn't even know why.

You're every time I rolled my eyes at your name because I didn't know how else to react without letting them all know what they already knew.

You're every party we were both invited to that I would spend wondering whether or not you'd come or if you did, whether you'd chose to talk to me or not.

You're every time I knew I shouldn't think about you, or write about you, or kiss you, or even talk to you, but I did it anyway.

So there, that's where you fit in. In all the places and in all the ways that continue to fit into my days even though you yourself don't fit in them anymore.

"Uh, I don't know. What kind of a question is that anyway?"

I lost something I never really hard,

I'm in mourning over something that was never alive,

I'm longing to return to a place I never visited,

I miss a person whom I never really knew.


*I hate you for the things you never really did to me.