i swear

flames once engulfed everything
and bombs blew away half the buildings
but somehow
we survived
look
despite all of it
small children
they play
birds
they soar and sing

this is a new beginning

I've never looked at you the way you look at me
Like I shouldn't have ever left my room
Should I stay home so that you don't see me and get angry?

Are you bothered because you don't understand how I could be happy?
Are you bothered because society says I'm supposed to be miserable in this situation, but I'm not?
Are you bothered because I'm breaking the rules,
I'm not following the path, I've thought outside the box?
Are you bothered because I can accept what life throws at me?
Are you bothered because you'll never feel as content as I do,
Even with the hardships I face?
Are you bothered that I'm not worried?
Do you just not know how to feel unafraid?

why am I judged so harshly

My heart is breaking for the rest of humanity
Why do I come home and cry
When I've never felt so beautiful?
I guess I just don't understand
How making other people feel small
Could make you feel big

Icy snow melted hot
Down the driveway
I stubbed my toe and
Bled all over your sheets
I'm fumbling through letters
Trying to find the right -
I wish I didn't see that
Wish I hadn't felt the sun
Icy snow melted running
Straight into the hand that fed me



I often think
that we
could be
the only ones

Place my hand over your stomach
Your entire torso really
Just craving some physical contact

I walked along the beach in the middle of the night
My psychosis claimed me
And I became a slave to the sand behind my feet
The current running underneath
You snored along, absently
Alcohol ate you alive
And I survived

I survived

I just want to cover each grain of sand
With a tear drop
A broken heart for all the millions that scatter the earth
I don't want to sob
I want to release
A demon that's been eating at the inside of me
And then I want to laugh
I want to run
I want to fall out of breath and collapse to the ground
I want to dig and find something so remarkable
I combust at the sight
A million pieces
Becoming the sand
Cursed

I want to be nothing like my mother
And if that offends any of my followers
I am sorry
Maybe after the 4th kid
And nearly 20 years between
You stop giving a ****
But all I know
Is I have seen
The tenderness,
The sincerity,
And most delusional moments
All radiate
From the same bright blue green eyes
Frightening, spraying spit all over my face
And sadness seeped in and devoured me
I spill tears (years) as I'm writing
I was left all over
So much hate

Sometimes when I write I try to be dishonest but
What's the point when you can hear me in the next room
I wish I was someone you were proud of
I know I'm just a recluse, but
I'll raise my baby different from you


Most times when I want to hide
It's when you're showing me the most poignant parts of me
I can hear your grandson snoring

I love his sense of sleep

Sometimes I think I could get up and leave
Stand on my own two feet, just me wandering
A vision so clear, deserted wasteland
Outside a building where many strangers stay
But that's only me with a dark heavy heart
Not the woman standing before you today

I've been instilled a sense of family
Come back home before I kick your *** mentality
And sometimes I think about going back there too
Sometimes I think that a forced smile and conversation
Is better than none at all.
I can feel the couch beneath me and the tv screen screaming at me
And I can feel the shiver on my skin, breathing my cold old empty room
I don't live there anymore
These days my smiles are few and far between
But they are genuine as heaven

I've spent some time in daydreams
Surrounded by lavish things
Materials that bling bling
But they won't make me queen.
Don's bottled stars
Won't take me far from the reasons why I need the drink.
A better whiskey, a finer wine
Won't free me from my minds confines.
When sober slips in through shadows black
And opens curtains to blinding light,
My truest self, the honest fact
Runs trembling away in fright
Replace diamonds, then, with ice cubes
And let my wealth melt away
I've only obtained nothing
For it was all empty anyway.
And when I greet the crashing shores
Of the Pacific at my best,
I'll be standing there in the ****
Not dreaming of the flesh

Boys say really sweet things like,
"We will get married some day,"
And "I will love you till the day I die,"
Just so you will spread your legs,
And they can get between your thighs,
When truthfully each tender word,
Is nothing but a clever lie,
Disguised as loving truth,
Sweet enough to make you cry,
So please remember next time he says,
"You make me so happy, I dont know why,"
To just say "thanks" and cross your legs,
Because when he leaves you'll want to die.