It's 3am and I'm fighting back the memories of you.
But you're breaking through all of my defences.
I just need to feel your touch one last time.
I might be greedy but I miss the nights you were mine.
Darling please.
Why did you leave like that.
Whispers in the hallways saying you would love to have me back....
But nothing.
No phone calls.
No messages.
No letters.
It's 3am and the only way you're with me right now is because my memory can't seem to erase any moment of when we were together.

I. the apparition

i don't fear death,
i fear never being born;
i fear not my last breath,
but all the breaths in between;
how do i know i'm alive?

II. the left foot

for what purpose is the sun without its light?
for what use are eyes without their sight?
for what good is a left foot without the right?
and for what joy is a string without its kite?
will i ever be complete?

III. father

as branches grow to the shape of their roots,
as vermillion bloodies every spring with a drop:
could i escape original sin?
could i become a better man--
could i become my own man?

IV. aneurysm

would lightning dare blaze up a tree
that has yet to bear fruit?
would the gods dare strike down an artist
with a painting unfinished?
fate is neither cruel nor fair.

Friday night
Window open
Cigarette lit
Praying that the house is still asleep
Hoping to maintain the good girl reputation
Maybe they wont find out
But then again too drunk to even care
My mind is unconsciously running out of reasons why I should stop
The addiction is too strong
The persuasiveness is at its all time high
And the regret remains at the bottom of an empty bottle
I hide myself behind drunken nights that are as never as fun as they sound
I want to forget it all
So I cross the lines that I drew to keep myself away
Not even thinking of going back
Not even wasting my time on the fact that the more I do it
The more permanent the thoughts become
You are engraved into the concrete of my mind
And I still
Constantly
Tell myself that if I just keep going
If I just keep pushing myself
It'll all go away
But it doesn't
Every time
It comes back

Suicide seems so bitter-sweet
Bitter: You are dead
Sweet: You get to choose when
Although I have craved
That simple taste of death
I was never brave enough
To end it all at once
So I have substituted that bitter-sweet death
With the bitter-sweet taste
Of a lit cigarette
Killing myself slowly
One inhale at a time