I had to watch a couple of ****** romantic comedies to see how ****** up you and I were. I had to listen to Maroon 5’s entire discography before I got over you. I came and cried right after 23 times before I stopped thinking of you during *** or as I was pleasuring myself but it only took 23 times.












We were chaotic and I will remember dancing with you on the deck after the rain; I will remember you covering my mouth at 2:31am because my laugh was always, always loud and our roommates were sleeping; I will remember us in rose, the things no one but us knows; I will remember the nights you sat me down and listened as I cried. And I will remember the nights you did not. I will remember our first kiss on a stranger’s couch, and our last in my new bed, 4 months after I moved out. I will remember bending over the bathroom sink at work the day I found out you lied to me, begging god to give me my breath back.















I will remember taking god for granted every minute until I needed him to breathe that night. I will remember you telling me you loved me for the first time, and I will remember the last. I won’t remember you in vain, with anger, with sadness. I will remember you and I for what we were. Rushed. Patient. Crazy. Unsteady, exciting. Happy. In love. Over.

I don’t know exactly when I lost you.
Somewhere in the middle of me
Falling apart on a perfectly timed cycle
And blaming my sadness on your apathy,
I remember you told me you couldn’t handle it anymore.
I don’t know when, I remember the way you walked out the door.
And how when I chased after you, peeling paint cracked off where the handle was
Before I started trusting you and started leaving the door open
I remember when I gained you,
Everything went silent
When you told me you needed me
I called your “I love you’s” filler words
And you called me paranoid
I remember hibiscus kisses, stumbling
Over broken pavement outside my apartment
Where we made love on the couch
And I felt the blood in my veins
Make its way to my heart
And I finally felt that feeling
I waited my entire life for
I felt you and my favorite record playing
And I thought that was what it was like to be alive
And to be happy about it, for once
And then you left and now I drive in silence
Music makes me sick
Six months after you left I learned what it meant when people
Told me I had to get over it or it would **** me
Because I tried to **** me and the pictures that flashed across my face
As it started to fade,
Were all of you

Tell me what it’s like to fall out of love
So beautifully and with ease,
You walked away, me still on the street
And still managed to make it look like art,
Our love was never movie-like but the ending was,
Alone and grey on the pavement, begging for your patience
So I could prove to you one more time that I was worthy of being with
But you never wanted to hear it

climbing through the wreckage
you left your clothes here on purpose
you said you wanted me to miss you
the plan was fool proof
i donated your clothes today
a sure fire way to rid my space of you
something it took me a year to do,
nevertheless, i do not miss you anymore

i let you haunt my halls every night until the floors caved in
i grew to want and need your harrowing prescence
in the spaces between walls, i kept three flares and my keys
convinced i would have to fight my way out if i were to ever leave
but i never did

i'm sorry that i let you linger
four months since that family dinner where you told me you
could no longer hold me up on your shoulders
i was your burden to bear and you wanted the guilt to eat me alive
i would be lying if i said that it did, you cut yourself and held the blood up for the world to see''
i grew cold, entangled in apologies you pulled out of me
i was always scared, i was never sorry

I forced myself to sit and write about you because it hadn’t hurt in so long, and though I know that I am healed, sometimes I get scared of forgetting the way you used to make me feel like I was flying when we both know I was drowning. I don’t need that anymore but that high is unmatchable and I miss seeing the entire universe inside one person. So I forced myself to sit and think about you. To remember you. To dig down deep, way past my anger and look to the place where I first planted you. I needed to feel something so I went to that place and it all came rushing back at once.








I am abundant in forgiveness. You never apologized but I accept it anyway. I saw everything in you. My highs, my highs, my highs. Oh they were so golden. My lows, you picked me up from them every single time. I used the hell out of you and you let me. I know you wanted to save me. I know you loved me. I know that for you, being in love meant working on another person. We met the day after I was ***** and I carry that guilt on me like an armor, I wonder how hard I would have loved you if I didn’t need it. I forced myself to sit and think about you because I am doing it again.







I’m falling in love with someone new and it scares me to think that I could get that blind again. I could get that hollow and desperate. That small. That shallow. I let you teach me what I already knew. I forced myself to sit and think of you and I sat quietly as the anger passed through and the only thoughts left were harrowing and sad and blue and soft. You and I were best friends and I haven’t mourned that part yet because I only mourned the loud *** we had in every room in every building we went in. I mourned the laughter we shared until 4 in the morning. I mourned the way you looked at me like I lit up the room when I was so visibly tired.












I mourned everything but our friendship because I didn’t think it would ever end and when it did I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t handle the guilt. I couldn’t handle the way you checked out after one mistake when I spent 8 months letting you lower me into the ground without ever raising my voice.










I mourned my soul.
I mourned my future. I mourned my past. But I never mourned us because we were supposed to last. And when we didn’t, I felt my entire soul collapse. And I’m doing it again.







And I just thought I’d sit down and write you this and wonder if you could let me know what I could have done differently back then, so this time around I don’t do it again? I forced myself to think of you one last time so when the time comes to love this new person, I do it right and I don’t have to do this again. I wanted to hurt because I needed to remember how good it felt and how hard it was to let you go. I did let you go, and I write this 7 months later, in the spring, watching the sunset, full of light and gratitude, a whole winter has passed. I write this now in hopes that this new spring lasts. Will you write me back?

I do not miss you anymore
Nor do I hope you think of me
Six months alone, unlearning codependency
I feel yellow, I feel complete
I do not miss you anymore