Chris Lafleur wrote a new note: dear future self



Dear future self, 
i am writing this as a reminder of the misery associated with drug abuse.

At this point in my life i am addicted to heroine and crystal ****. I own nothing and live for a fix thats broken me down to a point that i can no longer stand on my own two feet. everyone i love has given up on me, and most of them cant stand to be in my presence, without feeling sick to their stomach. but i dont care because im to numb to feel. my emotions have become artificial only brought on by drugs. i live in a pretend world where my choices have no consequences, and my smile is only a side effect thats brought on by smoking crystal ****. i work everyday yet i have no coins in my pockets. its a struggle to wake up in the morning and my priorities are out of order, so badly that my beautiful son has been taken from me cause they deem me a bad influence, an unfit parent who cannot take care of him. i miss him so much its sickening . I try not to think because my problems are overwhelming. and im to high to deal because society does not accept what they do not understand . i wear sunglasses to sleep since im to ashamed to be seen, cause my eyes tell a story that i cant share with the public. lost touch with reality and love is nothing more than a word that i relate to painful memories. I must be crazy since i self inflict this misery. this day to day life i lead is a sad existance.and excuses mean nothing ten years later. time has passed me by i wasted life on getting high. i dont respect who iv become or any of the people i surround myself with and my best friend is heroine. sleep has become a luxury and its beggining to show in my apperance . im not the person i used to be iv changed drastically some for the better but im far from normal, my mind is constantly growing but with what iv witnessed, iv come to realize im my own worst enemy.

Chris Lafleur wrote a new note: fighting myself

12 hrs · 

im a mess and im aware of it
thanks for noticing,
but for some reason i cant find it in me to quit
cause every time is my last,
followed by relapse
typical cycle for anybody with this type of tolerance
still i keep making excuses, to give into temptation.
like its friday, or im single or i enjoy the conversation.
but the attention im getting, is negative
and consists of alterior motives 
the people that surround me, are pathetic and desperate 
we just share an addiction that controls our every action, predictable, insane , and defined by our habits
yet i still struggle to overcome it 
because satisfaction is so comforting
I crave a fix thats so damaging
yet i continue abusing myself and neglecting the side effects

its been so long that iv adapted amongst the monsters
and brought myself to accept it 
i understand the effects its had on my life 
and still cant change, 
i mean i try constantly, and have the right idea
just seem to fail repeatedly, and its becoming discouraging to never acheive whats expected from me 
Ive earned a bad reputation that i carry with me
everywhere i go, and its obvious im not a model citizen

not that im bad person ,i posses a kind heart , a beautiful mind, and the ability to be what i chose
i beleive in god and i try to do whats right
its society that doesnt agree 
they say im sick, confused , selfish , or bad 
this was not my intention when i began on this mission
and i never ment to hurt anybody?
yet i hv a book full of victims
that cant understand how i reason
in my defense i was curious, it all started as an experience but i underestimated the consequences that are associated with the sensation
sharing pills with my friends and creating memories
seemed beneficial at the time being
but now i see it was toxic and i was only bringing everyone down, a bad influence disguised in desire
destroying relationships and hurting each other 

so i cant be sick since that implys theres a cure 
more like twisted and stuck in reverse
and i cant escape this place since its myself that im avoiding
a problem thats affecting my entire existance.
ive forgotten how to smile without being under the influence, and loves become just a word i use to my advantage that i abuse amongst women to have *** without meaning, cause i do enjoy the company means i must contain misery 


so at this point im sensless 
incapable of feelings, without inducing them artificially
ive lost all direction,and theres no signs pointing towards the exits, 
just time wasted standing in the same position
Searching for somewhere i can feel wanted
a paradise,where i can be accepted for who i am
but without a clue how to get there i stumble through life without a destination in sight 
im lost in the darkness, and cant remember how i got here
i understand that its not right, and do appreciate the concern 
but in the end this is my life and i have to find the light on my own terms

I wanted her to live. I wanted to escape reality with her. To go somewhere peaceful. To find solace outside of the usual myriad of sounds and sights.
I wanted to take those little pills and find freedom like I always did, and so did she. So did she. So did she.
But there is no freedom, only a lack of personal imprisonment. It is ironic that our vision of "freedom" was enough to **** us. Poison. Pills. Little white pills. And a bottle of liquor to wash them down. To drown them.
So together we "escaped" reality's "prison" into the vast expanses of our hallucinations.
One more. Last one. Promise. **** that doubt and replace it with a little white pill.
Take a swig. Take a gulp. Take another. Let's make this crazy.
One more pill. Last one. I swear. Laugh with me. Drink with me.
Laugh with me.
Hey, hey, it will be fine, we're done. We're done. We're done so just relax. Float and fly, feel that high. Lay down and rest.
We should have stopped earlier.
We should have stopped earlier.
You know, we should have stopped earlier.
I am sorry. My bad.

So later comes and goes. She sits on the porch, smoking a cigarette. Smiles, all smiles. She is high, but she operates well.
I light a cigarette of my own.
I breathe in the smoke, let it coat my lungs. Watch it disappear as I exhale. She says something funny, and I laugh. She laughs, I laugh. It's hilarious.
She lives.
She lives.
She lives.
Unfortunately, that is a false reality. I give you the fake version to staunch the bleeding of insecurities and emotional detriment.
You see, I have mislead you. Fake. Fake. So fake, and how I wish it were not.
She never smoked that last cigarette. I guess to her, life was unimportant. Worthless. She was not seeking attention this time. She intentionally overdosed. She convulsed and died in front of me. I watched her swallow white after white and I didn't stop her. Her small framed body of innocence turned into an animal. Neglected, starved of love.
She is dead.
She is dead.
She is dead.
She will never exist beyond my memories. Beyond my dreams. Beyond her phantom visits to my vision. I am being followed. Stalked. Haunted. Chased. Hunted for a guilt trip.
Later, it's blade to flesh. Bottle to lips. Bleeding, regretting, wishing, screaming.
Anger, self pity, despair, depression, descent.
Cornered, frightened, spiraling into madness.
Welcome. It is with great pleasure that I invite you into my life.

Are you an illusion or do you really exist?
Enemy or ally? Friend or foe?
Do I take you for granted or you use as a gift?
Uncertain of your loyalty in the end we’ll know.
Legacies you create often become forgotten
I’ve seen when you’ve ignored those asking for help
Leaving them helpless buried beneath the bottom
They would have been better off asking someone else
Why do you slow down our sorrows, speed through our joys
I’ve seen you be cruel to those that abuse you
When you’re at war for peace what weapon do you deploy?
It’s confusing who rules who, do you rule us or do we rule you?
You have to appreciate what you get, lonely or loved people will forget
But  you aren’t responsible for humanities regrets.

Everything society fears, is what i feed on.
People stay away because i tend to be a bad role model.
Nobody can keep up, cause when i drink i go native.
When Im ****** up on drugs, Yeah my minds so creative.

I know who i am. does this frustrate you ?
Good at being bad. Do i scare you?
In love. Because I want you!
Crazy by most standards. Because I choose too!

Who are you to tell me who to be?
when I gaze inside the mirror, Im proud of what i see.
Not ashamed of who i am, can only blame myself for the things iv'e done.
Beautiful as a flower, from the parents i got
Knowledge is power, and Iv'e learnt enough

I choose to be this way,
Because it affects you
Frustrates and scares you
This is who i want to be
******* and your two sense
Because your pennies are out of courency

Feels like im in twilight
These eyes only see star-lite nights
Step under sun, and my skins pushing crystal
It's like a dream but this ***** actually happening

Baby, my touch isn't free
Ill play grim Reaper
Your time is valuable to me
Sounds like the script to a romantic fantasy

Like a sixth sense
I can see what I believe
And this metaphor seems real to me
Happiness is my opinion
The nights just when im living

To the chronicles of the AOE (Army of Excellence)
When Saint Christopher grew his wings
To become a savior to the human king
Took flight and saved the image of the living

These are just stories
Now here comes a parody
It's pure and so euphoric
A joke, so cheap everyone can afford it
Making circles in history
But I could die tommorow, and no amount of money
Would be able to buy these types of memories