It's been five months.
It hurts to even write that, more than my flowery words can describe.
Such a long time,
Yet it feels like yesterday that you were mine.
I've been lying.
For five months I've been telling them I'm over it. Over you.
I was lying to myself too.

The truth, dear, is that it still hurts just as much right now as the moment when you said you didn't love me.
God, I remember it perfectly.
And secretly, even more pathetically, I still love you as much as I did then,
And as I did five months in.

I thought it would help if I hated you,
But that's exhausting.
I thought I needed time alone,
I made myself lonely so I could be whole on my own.
I thought I needed to move on,
I've done that, like I ought.
My darling, he's sweet, and smart, he makes me laugh, why is it not enough?
He's good but we'll never be in love.
I thought I just needed time.
But it's been five months.

looking back, you never wanted me.
you said you wanted a good democrat to take home to mama.
you wanted a trophy.

i sped all the way to campus.
i'm sure i went over the speed limit.
you couldn't wait one more hour.

i wouldn't say yes.
we had a date, but i couldn't say yes.
you need the answer, don't you?

i have never let another see me naked.
others have taken my clothes, but you took my shield.
i trusted you with my vulnerability.

in the afterglow, i wrapped my arms around you, a hand on your chest.
you made big promises and big plans that we both know you couldn't keep.
i trusted you and told you i'd see you after work.

you said you were so tired.
i offered up a bed, but you said you needed to think.
you always need to think.

i woke up three hours early so i could stop by your room before class.
i wanted to cuddle, you told me to stop it.
i thought you were joking.

the text still lives in my phone.
i didn't want to make it official.
so you didn't want to make it work.

you never wanted me.
you just wanted a status update.
you didn't care who you dated.

you were gonna use me.
i was gonna be the girl you could show mama.
i was gonna be your prize.

it's better that it happened this way.
you are not who i thought you were.
i am not who you wanted me to be.

-hm.

colour and crashes
big eyes and lashes
this is you in mourning.

white latex gloves
white flying doves
this is you today.

careful breathes
careless lefts
this is you without.

bright flowy skirt
a smile that can flirt
this is you with him.

big perfect grin
crying over him
this is you at your finest.

smoke in the air
thick curly hair
this is you and me.

If I should labor through daylight and dark,
   Consecrate, valorous, serious, true,
Then on the world I may blazon my mark;
   And what if I don't, and what if I do?

she makes my heart
beat
just a little faster.

I hate you.
Almost as much as I love you.
I've been fantasizing about stabbing you in the legs the way I used to fantasize about kissing your face.
I thought that I had one person I could always count on,
I just knew you'd never betray me.
Guess I was wrong.

You broke my heart,
I want to break your spine.
You make the worst ex ever, and now you're mine.

I want to hurt you the way you hurt me.
I want to stuff glass into your arteries.
I want you to stop saying you're sorry.
I want you to invent a time machine,
So this'll never've happened.
So neither of us will've learned this lesson.

"Darling you're the world to me"
"My love, you make me so happy"
What an idiot I was to believe these things.
Now you've got me writing slam poetry
Because I figure it's better than murdering you-
And that little ***** you ****** too.

You were drunk!
You felt alone,
You were confused,
And guess who was right there to comfort you?
That's no excuse.
I sure hope going down on someone new,
Was worth throwing that rare and beautiful thing we had away.
I never knew someone could hurt me this way.
Oh and by the way, I hate you.

i will never feel lonely as long as your name can float up on my phone.
you are the ocean surrounding me, but i don't feel like you'll sweep me up.
because you won't.
you just gently rock me over beaches.
you know where to take me.
i thought, since i was so surrounded by you,
i needed oxygen.
so i found oxygen in another.
but after sustaining me for 9 months,
he left.
i felt panicked, because surely the water would drown me.
i was wrong.
you kept rocking me, gently swaying me back and forth.
i underestimated you, i had no faith in you.
but you never let me drown.

And all that I wish I could say,
I'll keep inside so you won't see.
Cuz when I'm hurt I tend to push others away.
I know that it's not healthy.
But I do it anyway.
Why'd you ever choose, to love me?

I love you.
But not in the way it's been rumored that the both of us tend to do.
I love you because you're always there for me.
I love you because when I crash and burn you tell me it'll work out perfectly, just wait and see.
I love you the way I loved my sister before she went away.
I love you the way I would've loved my mother if she'd cared for me in any way.
I don't love you the way I was cruelly fated to love he who hurt you.
I love you the way children do;
Innocently,
Because you're the only one who truly understands me.
When I'm crying,
When I feel like dying,
You tell me I'm strong enough and that I deserve to be happy,
And that you love me.

Lately you just look at me- like I'm the worst.
And that ***** cuz the only approval I ever wanted was yours.
All I do lately is make you so angry,
So come on please tell me, what am I missing?
Did I just forget something?
Or have I ****** up everything?
Oh, I hate when you're mad at me.
It doesn't lose it's affect because you're angry perpetually.
Trying so hard to please,
I'm begging you for mercy.
Your "dead to me" looks hurt enough to **** me.
You know you've done some bad things too.
Much worse than me, and I still love you.

When I asked for you not to be so disappointed in me,
You just laughed bitterly.
I must pay a million times over for one tiny slip, a lapse, a small sin.
When I said I was on the edge you called me a liar- again.

I swear to God I'm trying.
May he strike me if I'm lying.
Today I didn't even want to come home.
I'm working myself to the bone-
And for nothing.
What have I done to make you distrust me so?
Maybe I could make you stop hating me if I could know-
Why?
Was there ever so desperate a soul as I?
Groveling over the smallest faults on my knees.
Doing everything I can to make you forgive me-
For whatever I've done.
The flames of your distaste burns hotter than the sun.
Sorry I'm a disappointment.
All those awful things you said, I'll just assume you didn't mean it.