Nostalgia isn't always good
Because sometimes the men don't ask first as they should
You know he'd never take it back but you just wish it hadn't been during your favorite song
So, yeah
Nostalgia isn't always looking back on a sunny day in an open field
Sometimes it's hearing that song you once loved so much and feeling his forceful hands against a younger, terrified version of yourself
They said why didn't you cover up more?
Didn't you know you were asking for it when you walked out into the world today with an open heart and a low cut shirt?

What a terrifying day to be alive
What a terrifying week
What a terrifying year

50 lives lost
No a single rainbow is shining down on us today

I cry for the lives of the people i never knew
and i cry because we never know what those souls could have done for our world

Another day older, but i feel so small
Nothing i can do, but mourn and hope for a better tomorrow

Justice went un served for a victim who spoke out,
and the rest of us cry, because we didn't have the courage

Why cant the world see non consensual *** does not exist
There's  only one word for it, and its ****

All the horror going on around me, each tear falling from my eyes is bringing each small ounce of hope and happiness with it

This week i have told myself i don't want to live on this planet,
but that's a slap in the face to everybody who no longer has the chance

Tomorrow i will be a better me, i will honor the lives lost to violence and hate. I will put forth more generosity, kindness, and understanding for the ones around me who lack it. I will not give up. The people committing these horrible acts of violence and intolerance need me to be the best person that i can be.

I can see you from my 11th floor window, but you can not see me. As you reach this 4 way light you take off your vibrant red hat and stop. As If you're not sure whether to go left, right or straight. You ponder for 9 seconds and go left. What has your day brought you, that you come to a corner so late in the night, and don't know which way your going next? If I could, I would say to you I know just how you feel. At a time when most are lost in their dreams or even making love, you don't know which direction to turn. What has brought us to a point , that at such a desolate hour, you don't know where your going and I lose myself in thought for an hour because I see a person walking down the street? Most are in the comfort of loved ones but we are dealing with the demons in our head. It's quite possible you ran out of bread and desperately need to find a convenience store that's open so you can make the grilled cheese you crave.. nonetheless, May the purpose of your journey be fulfilled and  your hands stay warm. I hope when you reach the next stop light , it takes a few seconds less for you to figure out where you want to be. May the lamp posts light your way and the bitter air be gentle on your exposed skin. You don't know my name, and I don't know yours, but we are a tiny part of each others journey on this lost night.

Only at the darkest hours do i ask myself the questions i don't want to know the answers to. You may know the darkness to hide things but i found it is where the unexpected comes to light. The daylight hours are a facade of happily conformed routines, often mistaken for helping you see better. Caught up in the day, even side by side, we are apart. There is a distance between us only the darkness seems to fill. 3am when the world is at rest, it is just you and me and everything from our day we have left unsaid. The dark silence reveals the truths we witheld when the sun was in the sky. Maybe it is harder to be dishonest at night because there are billions of stars in the sky to witness it.

Your are the most delicate rose, and the most deadly sea
You were born by hate, and live by greed

Your laughter is the harsh winter wind
Your breath, it is the most bitter cold

When you awake from your sleep
It is one of us who will sink down deep

You will drag us under for all our sins
While we are filled with so much hope in our last minutes

But its useless we know, you have made up your mind
There is no hope, at least none that we will find

Goodbye to all we love, hello to all we hate
All you need to do is leave your heart and soul at the gate

Love me again, like i was never the one who ran

Love me until forever ends,
Until we make time itself bend

Love me like tomorrow will never come
Until we don't remember where we came from

Love me like Romeo loved Juliet
Die for my love, without a single regret

Love me like the stars in the sky want to shine
Love me like a house engulfed by a vine

Love me until our last and final day
Love me until you see that there is no other way

The lines on your face, they will never go away

Each line on your face tells me the story of your life
A long lasting smile or the heartache of a lost wife

I can see your pain, and every bit of sorrow
I can see that all you've ever dreamed of was a better tomorrow

The lines on your face tell me that you loved more than you lived
And in your love is where you thrived

Your losses will forever haunt you
For the lines on your face, they represent everything that you've been through

I am either too quiet or i say too much
I will give you everything I have or nothing at all
Balance was never my strong suit
So, when you showed up you can imagine my surprise
You took everything. The good and the bad
You made me feel again
You made me feel everything so strongly
Then you abruptly expected me to feel nothing at all

I have commitment issues
The longest thing I've ever tolerated is my own name
And still, I cross it out without a second thought
As if a page suddenly becomes more valuable without it
I love to hate all the tiny ways i discredit myself

I don't know right, but i do know wrong
the sins of my past, sound like a beautiful song

I know what i do is not what is right
but i will always defend myself, and put up a fight

living life with no boundaries
Until this day, when you have finally found me

My burdens we will share
darling, this life was never meant to be fair

I'll call you out and you'll call me yours
This love we share, is so quickly starting to feel like a chore

I warned you before, i will warn you until the end
I am not the girl you want to call friend

I couldn't possibly scream loud enough for somebody to finally hear me

I couldn't cut my skin deep enough to convince myself i am still capable of feeling

I can't wake up tomorrow without hurting someone i love

I can't not wake up tomorrow without hurting someone i love

There is never enough rain falling down to drown me

Never enough miles beneath my feet to take me away

No away has ever let me escapee my own mind

There's never enough words

There's never the right words.

Following closely behind the red Honda carriage with our princess inside

The winding road doesn’t shield us from her shine

Sharing a smile so far from home
Let me call you my king and I’ll build you a thrown

Anywhere we go on this globe
I’ll find you a kingdom and we’ll call it home

I have never considered myself to be a memorable character.
So, when you recognized me for the type of beer i drank and the place where i sat; i was caught completely off guard. In a situation i was uncomfortable with I did what i knew how to do.  I pounded back those beers. I made my nights so forgettable because i saw myself as the forgettable girl. The girl who is in love with people but somehow always meets the wrong ones.

I watched my cousin throw a rock through that old barn window that stood on my grandma's property
The barn no longer contained an excited horse
It was gone
Along with her
The stone shattered the window to pieces
A representation that things change, so much so that they can never be put back together to look the same ever again
You will always see the cracks
I hated that moment, and i hated her for doing it
It was just a broken window so i never understood why it bothered me so much
Years later i realized it was because that window would never look the same, it wasn't a dream or a joke because it couldn't be undone
That stone symbolized the end of something irreplaceable

Down on my luck, thinking of taking the easy way
Down on my luck, thinking I've got to escape

Do you know what it's like to smile, but want to cry
To always be so down, but you cant think of one god ****** reason why

**** this life, and all these people
Everything around me,  so lifeless and dull

It cant be them, it must be me
I just haven't found where i'm meant to be

I know there's a place where the sun always shines
Where life isn't filled with depression and goodbyes

I don't know where i'm going, i lost the words to say
I can't recall when life became this way

I was once a happy girl
All smiles, all the time

What ever happened to the dreamers?
They always looked beyond the sky
Entrusting love and never asking why..

I believe in the power of intuition
I’m learning to appreciate every person and every step
I still always feel like my authenticity is an audition

Always wondering who I am good enough for
Never asking myself do I deserve more

I feel so small beneath the stars
I wonder just how quickly it could all end

I love the ones who truly love me
But I wonder would I fit in better on Mars
Lost in the sky shining upon the stars

The city lights are so beautiful.
Each light has a purpose: to guide someone to where they need to go.
Be it a hall light, guiding a young child to a bathroom, or a lamp post in the street, lighting someone's way home.
Each light i can see from my 11th floor window is on for some reason.
It has a purpose.
I take comfort in the city, knowing that someone has taken the time to light my walk home, that would have otherwise been dark.
I think it is why most fear the unknown.
We are accustomed to having our paths lit each step of the way.
I long to explore all the dark places we haven't bothered to provide with light.
I imagine those to be the most beautiful places.

Her fingers carefully caressed the covers of potential readings, as if doing so they will emit something to tell her she is making the right choice. In her mind there is no wrong choice, for whatever piece of literature she chooses, she will take some piece of knowledge or understanding from it. She comes across one book that really stands out to her. It’s corners are crippled, it’s pages torn, and it’s cover mangled. She brushed off the dust using her index finger, to realize there is no title, no authors  name, and no publishers stamp to be found anywhere. Intrigued, she opened it.
“Burn this book.”
She did not burn the book, and would live to regret not taking this valuable piece of advice for a very long time..

with sunburns comes aloe, and a comforting pain
we are the only thing that can keep eachother sane

we have no real purpose, but to drink our thoughts away
we don't know where were going, so we'll smoke until we forget the day

we are not true beings, just pieces to one another
we would die for each other, but don't speak to our own mothers

our parents don't know where they went wrong
our failures sound to us, like the most beautiful song

with mosquito bites comes comfort, underneath our skin
the blood running through me is not a representation of my kin

call it disrespectful, call it what you must
but through these beautiful beings i have found astonishing trust

my family does not know me, nor does it interest them to try
but these beings i have found, they live to know why i want to die

in these long, hot months we only have each other
my blood doesn't need to run though you for me to call you my brother

we rejoice under the shining stars, astonished by the moon
we've never felt so whole, as we do together in this room

wherever we go, in this long hot summer
we will always know that we have one another

take me to mosquito land, where happiness awaits
these beings i have found, are surely part of my fait

You took my innocence and I took your name
not literally, but I made myself forget it.
I forced your face and your name out of my mind, like it was never there to begin with.
I got rid of the phone you texted me on.
I burned the clothes you so eagerly took off my body.
If I can forget your name then I can forget that it ever happened right?
You didn't stop me in the street to admire my beauty, something that at 16 I didn't realize was the wrong way to approach a woman.
You didn't invite me to your house and violate every inch of who and what I am, something that I avoided recognizing once that seed of doubt was planted in my mind.
Officer said he is a nice guy, i'll take his word for it and forget this ever happened.
You didn't happen and it never happened.
If you are too drunk to say no than you asked for it to happen.
If you accepted male attention than you asked for it to happen.
Lets just be quiet and forget this ever happened.

No stress forget those fools because we got our cigarettes kokos and juuls

The nicotine makes my brain less mean

Frantically searching for my Juul while you call me a fiend

Got your koko in your hand because your an organized man

**** it lets get me some smokes
They taste so good but they make me choke

Nostalgia is the deadliest feeling in the world
It has made me and destroyed me
the most curious mysterious feeling we as humans have
Deadly and encouraging
Makes me want to die and live forever
Funny how a smell can bring me back to a moment i love
Funny how a smell makes me want to die
When the seasons change i wanna laugh and cry at the same time
The smell in the air;  it reminds me when
It reminds me of my dad pumping gas while i sat in the back of his pickup truck
It reminds me of jumping rope and hearing the words grandma is dead
It reminds me of a walk through a forest with the first boy i ever loved
It reminds me how every year is so ******* different from the one before

I took a plane to another universe
i couldn't stay where i was, its been 21 years of being too curious

As it turned out 8,000 miles distance is what i needed for so long
Returning to the place I used to call home suddenly felt wrong

Now everything i do is in the hopes that it will bring me closer to you
Distance doesn't mean a thing When everyday I wake up amazed by the joy you bring

fear does not exist, fear is in your head
your imagination is what causes your dread

those shadows in the corner of your eye
simply your imagination, nothing but a lie

the bump in the night you thought you heard
nothing but paranoia, your reality is becoming blurred

those dark thoughts invading your mind
sanity is not something you are about to find

the voices they are dark, and they refuse to leave your mind
your feeling like this life is something you need to leave behind

the end is coming closer, the voices becoming louder
had you acted like you were normal, you could have made your parents prouder

“you do not belong here, this place does not want you”
the things these voices tell you, they really are not true

all you had to do was open up
these dark voices are extremely corrupt

to be alive, to laugh and cry
it still wont happen if you choose to die

stay with me, ill make you safe
stay with these demons and your mind will only chafe

come with me, we'll go away
we will tell the demons they can not stay

let me into the deepest parts
together we can repair each others damaged hearts

You made your bed and then your bed caught fire

I saw the flames where you slept and I called you a liar

Living for nothing more than your own vain desire

You lived a life of lust and deceit

If you live a reincarnated life it will be a pitiful repeat

It’s was always going to be a sad defeat for all the lives of the girls who’ve ended in your cars back seat

Our love moved fast in the spring
I hope autumn doesn’t slow it down
If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past 5 months it’s that I need you around

Your warm presence wraps around me like a blanket
You’re unlike anybody that I have ever met

You’ve showed me beauty in the darkest places
You’ve made me fall in love with so many beautiful faces

I hope next autumn I will still get to call you mine
I would forever live in regret if I lost the chance to see you shine

6 ft feels like 6 miles
How I long for the real life smiles

Socially distant for the greater good
Looking for more than a virus to be cured

Looking for a man or a woman, just a soul
So many months of solitude that need to be consoled

I’ll give you what you want if you’ll give me what I need
You can set the pace or I will take the lead

I need your skin to touch mine
Please dont make me plead

I’ve had a lot of trauma,
A lot of pain
too much regret

I’ve tried to be a good person
At the end of the day I’m just a bad credit score with debt

I’ve been objectified,  categorized, forgotten and misunderstood
No matter how much good you do some people will never see you as good

I love who I love and I’d die for my blood
Their names sparkle in my mind no matter how much they drag them through the mud

the **** has all been smoked
the movie is over
the food is gone
this is the end

Another night in this waste of a thing called life
Another night of paper fun

Another night pretending we are friends
I need to know if this will ever end

Nothing more than substance and material
We get so **** high, we start to feel imperial

Looking down on the ones who are real
We mistake our highs, as the ability to feel

We know we wont amount to much, we know we wont go far
Our wasted lives are spent getting wasted at the bar

Feelings only come with the substances we consume
Together here we are, but so alone in this packed room

Write the name of the man you love in the sand
Now watch it wash away
It is better to spend a few nights alone
Than to spend time with people who don’t care about your dreams
I would watch his name wash away an infinite amount of times before I ever stopped writing it

tomorrow is not promised
it is a gift you might not get

tomorrow is not guaranteed
that's something you should never forget

cherish today as if it is your last
make peace with all the sins of your past

speak the words you said you never would
stand in a place where you have never stood

see the world with brand new eyes
remember your lows but bask in your highs

"i could have kissed you
not even caring
that the skies
opened up above us
and tried to wash us out"

If there was ever evidence of a higher power in this world
It would be the friends in my life and the man who calls me his girl

Tonight I count my lucky stars in the sky
The endorphins I’ve been collecting have got me feeling so high