I yearn for things
When they are over
But cannot want
Them at the time.
I think I only love
What is lost to me
As in losing it
It becomes mine.

And if the ground
Could still hum
With magic
After a rainstorm
I decided, so could I.

I wear my makeup like a war paint
To me it's not a cover up
A camouflage
But instead what allows me
To charge into battle.
It enhance my best features
Instead of concealing the bad
After all,
A bright lipstick
Will only draw attention
To my smile
And why wouldn't I smile
When my cheekbones sparkle
When they hit the light
Or when my lashes flutter
So I feel like a disney princess.
Don't think I'm insecure
Just because I'm secure in
Choosing how I show my face
To the world.
Don't think I'm hiding
Behind a 'fake' or 'false' me.
My makeup is my war paint
And with my head held high
All can admire it
As I gracefully charge
Into battle.

I once knew a man
Who believed he could
Conquer the world
He burned brightly.
And then came
The end of a long day
And the man lay down
To bed
And thus remained
Conquering nothing.

It's hard to
Look forward
When memories
Glow with false
Promise,
Warmer and brighter
Than constellations
Designed by starstruck
Goddesses.

Why does the sight of you
Still ignite shy joy
In my long ago frozen veins
When you were the one
Who made me cold
To the touch.
Why do I seek your smile alone
In the crowd
When others would
Grant me theirs
Without the price of reproach
Hating myself
When left alone in the night.
Why do I miss the thought of you
When in my mind
You remain eternally present
And by my side.
In my darkest dreams
You never leave, you never left
And yet
simultaneously elsewhere
As time goes on
You're walking away
Towards someone else
Who doesn't need to miss you
Who doesn't need to think of you
To survive.

I feel your gaze
Tracing the outlines of my face
As I turn page after page
Of the book
That I now cannot
Take in a word of.
Instead I pretend
That I'm still
Absorbed in the words
While simultaneously
Running my tongue
Over my lips
To make them shine
And sitting up straighter.
I wonder if your observations
Are of disdain, curiosity
Or even admiration.
I pretend they are
And let myself feel beautiful
And powerful
For a minute at least.

You looked tired today
Soft and sleepy, like a little boy
I wanted to have your head in my lap
To run my fingers through your hair
Soft against smooth
Warmth against warmth
But I felt too much like a little girl
With blushing cheeks
Shy and unsure of what I want
So I hung back, afraid
Offered you a cup of coffee
Lectured you about an early night
And stayed in the safety
Of being just a friend
Always, just your friend.

I watch my window weep
Condensation
Small droplets drip
Onto the sill.
I should learn to listen
To sorrow
I cry
And always will.

I hate the burn of rejection
It cuts with a claw
That will sting
My heart wants
Only devotion
And yet
Craves  
Any small thing.

My mind calls out
For an answer
And thinks silence
Is a thing to be missed
I miss the warmth
Of a lover
And my lips still
Long to be kissed.

It's lonely here in the ocean
My boat floats
Far out to sea
I only wish
That somebody
Was home and
Calling for me.

So my window weeps
Condensation
And I cry for the lost
And the free
I face the fear
Of a world that is open
When I am caged
And oh so empty.

You are nostalgia
Just one taste
Of sweet on my tongue.
You are warmth
Taken away
Just
Before it burns.
You are what
I dream about
Think about
Write about.
It is this fleeting
Magic of you
That I chase
And hope to find
But never will
As you have changed.
You are rose tinted
And deceptively greener
As that is
The magic of
Something
That can be thought
Of fondly
Because it is over.

It was worse
To say nothing
But now we have
Reached nothing
And the candle
Has gone out.

You pick me up in your car
I'm already waiting outside
Shopping and lunch, you suggest
I think it's the perfect plan.

As you drive, we catch up
(I hate that we've been apart)
You tell me stories
About people I don't know
Jokes I don't understand
But try to laugh at
All the same.

Somewhere, on the way
Your car splutters
And fails to start on the hill
You're annoyed, say we'll be stuck here
I am secretly thrilled
But then worry
That you don't want to be with me
For that long.

It clearly shows on my face
As you reassure me
Put your hand on my leg
(I wish you would keep it there)
And tell me help is on its way.

Your Mum arrives
As you're calling a repairman
She calls me your girlfriend
I don't correct her
And stand close to you
When your phone call ends.

I try not to read into it
When you don't move away
(After all, we're used to being close)
But still savour the warm smile
Your Mum gives me
Before she drives away.

We window shop for hours
Slip back into our old rhythm
I reach for your hand
Instinctively
But you move yours away
Before mine has reached it
And I'm left grabbing
At the air
Trailing behind you.

We try on stupid hats
And laugh and laugh
(Is it weird that we're friends now?)
You're in a great mood
And I'm proud to be with you
As you put on a show
That passers by
Stop and smile at.
(It's awful being just your friend now)

We have lunch at a bistro
Our table is small and intimate
And our knees touch
Under the table
It makes me blush but
I love it.

You say you have something
You want to tell me
My heart leaps
And flutters.
I take a sip of milkshake
To avoid saying something
Stupid.

You look me in the eye
And tell me
That you've met someone
And she's perfect
You couldn't be happier
You have a smile
 fixed on your face.

The milkshake
Curdles with my stomach acid
My mouth is dry
I think I'm going to be sick
And excuse myself.

You don't notice
That I'm quiet for the rest
Of our lunch.
You speak enough for
The both of us
Telling me stories
That I don't want to hear.

My ears ring
Like mourning bells
And I feel dizzy.
My face is pale
Under the artificial lights
I wish I was anywhere
But here.

You drive me home
Thank me for the
Nice afternoon we had.
I go in and know
That I can never see you
Again.

As I am not your friend
And never can be
As I am not quite over you
And I'm hurting
More than I'd admit.

Speak up, speak out
They say
This is your chance.
But, I have no voice.
Mind full of thoughts
But no voice
In which to share them.
Around me
People are shouting
Screaming and banging their fists
But I am unable to share
a word or whisper
That will be heard.
Around me, the world is
changing
Evolving, growing and shrinking
My mind is filled with dreams and possibilities
But even in a land of free speech,
And empowerment
I have no voice.
So I keep quiet
As my mind screams
And nothing is done.

I feel numb
A twisted kind of invincible
Where nothing can hurt me.
I'm walking through
A battle ground
And I'm shot down
Again and again
But I feel nothing
But an itch
Like the absence of a limb.
I feel numb,
Floating on smog
Thick and dark and choking
It's burning my lungs
Staining my clothes
I am a doll
Move me however you like
I will not feel a thing
For I am merely numb.

We were in love
Once upon a time
It was wonderful.
But then we woke up
Why do I always
Have to wake up.

In the crowd of the room
The flashing lights
And pulsating tempo
Of music
That makes my bones
Shake
I am only focused on you.
Your hair, your eyes, your smile
Your confidence and ease.
In any other moment
Your lack of equal interest
In me
Would make my heart feel bruised
And my chest ache
As if it was cracked and hollow.
But, in this moment
I savour the opportunity
To drink in every bit of you
Unnoticed
And pretend that I'm
As much a part of the crowd as you are.
I repeatedly
Commit your face to memory
And then let myself enjoy
The feeling of your skin on mine
You in your overpriced designer t-shirt
Tanned arms bare in short sleeves.
And me in a strappy top
My carefully made up face
That is of no interest to you
Though you might have told me
I looked nice (as you sometimes do
Before we arrive
At these parties).
I cling onto these words
And let them guide
My easy and carefree smile
And swaying movements.
With you in front of me
It's easy to pretend.
I fool even myself
In these little moments
Convince everyone
And maybe even believe that
I am having the best time of my life
And then wonder
When I am alone
Why happiness feels so empty.

Mankind
The kind who love
We're kind
It's in the name
But, we're choosy
Picky
We've earned it after all
The smartest species
Who can outsmart themselves
For who needs to love
Or be kind
When hatred
Is stronger
Our poison
Fuelling us
Polluting us
Misting our eyes
How is it
That mankind
The smartest species
Could be so cruel?
Maybe we're not the
Smartest species
After all.

I gave up writing poems
I didn't see the point
As words do nothing
To stop and start feelings
In my head.
I feel like the slowest
Rollercoaster in a dead city
And yet never see the lows
Coming and mourn them
On the way.
I'm sick of feeling
Lonely surrounded by people
And feeling like I'm missing
Out on living no matter what I do.
I could have loved you
I could have seen and done
And touched and cried.
But foresight was foggy
And hindsight was clear
And I don't even know what
Is dear to me anymore.
So maybe I like the reflection
Of words like a mirror
I can't look away from,
Maybe words are my ugly
11pm truth.
Maybe these words are for you.

I once had
Pictures of you
Pinned all over my room.
Snapshots of times that I laughed
Times where it felt
Like I was glowing.
They were my favourite pictures
Taken in moments
Where I felt giddy
And like I was someone special.
I'd even keep the bad ones
The blurry, the blinking
The "Delete that now!"
I kept them all
As when I was with you
I smiled so much.
Time moves on
And you never treasured
Those pictures
Those memories
In the way that I did
So, after a while,
I took the photos down
And filled their space
With other days
That I barely remember.

You promised
Me happiness
So why am I
Feeling so sad?

The mountains are tall
But with them beneath
My Feet
I am taller- maybe the tallest
Thing on Earth.
They have seen more
Than I ever could
And I want to see it all,
They show me
The paths to beyond
That beckon
With the call of adventure,
The call that dances
Around my thoughts
While I sleep
And tugs at my bones
When I wake.
It takes all I have
Not to follow them.
I have known snow,
Like shards of crystals
Falling from the sky
And crunching under foot,
I know it's taste, it's smell
It's tingling touch
As it melts on your palm
Like a frostbite kiss.
I want to know heat,
Rich and raw,
Rolling off stone
And sand
Which stretches out
For miles and miles
The sun beating
Like a spotlight.
I want to know cool,
The mist from a sea breeze
That knots itself into
My hair
Like a ribbon of salt
Under wisps of clouds
Curtains for the Sun
And the Moon.
I want to speak to the trees
As I have spoken to mountains
To hear their leaves
Rustle and sway
Like laughter
And secrets.
Up here, with the world
At my feet
I feel I will know it all
I swear an oath in the
Snow
Like a blood pact
And hope it freezes over.

Raindrops dripping
Down my spine
The promise I made
To stop wishing
You were mine.

Cold breath curling
In the frozen air
Thinking of your
Hands tying knots
In my hair.

The empty feeling
Of knowing the end
But choosing
For whatever reason
To pretend
And trying to learn
To be fine with that.

Walking away
As the curtains falls
Locking the screen
As you constantly call,
Then suddenly
Feeling like
I can breathe again
In rain and mist
And on hillsides.

Taking the rose
Away from the thorns
And choking
On light
Like sun after storm,
Watching raindrops
Wash it all away
Until I was saturated,
Dizzy,
And, somehow, ok.

I miss the fruit I never tasted
The lips I never knew
The seeds of change are planted
But they grow slow and are but few.

My candle flame is fading
My dreams are of only you
Rejections dance like embers
But I'll pretend the words aren't true.

You've trapped me in a bottle
Of glassy, inky blue
I'll wait on this boat forever
For my love, what else am I to do?

My empty harvest is mud slick
Trampled as a path straight through
But maybe in this ruined garden
Redemption somehow grew

So I blow away the ashes
And imagine something new
Something only I could hope for
Something far far away from you.

How can I be kind
To ny reflection
When I know
Her every fault
And flaw
And have seen every
Wicked thought
That passes through
Her mind?

I've started carrying
Relics of myself
With me
Wherever I go
Because men only
Treasure old
When it is
Turned to bones.

Keys, drinks, the sound of heels clicking and clomping. Smiles, dreams and sun streaming in from windows. Drunk hugs in bathrooms, glitter sparkling on your face under lamppost light. Lighting a match, like warm magic emerging from fingertips. Cobbled streets, a fruity drink in rainbow colours, the coolness of the night air. Short chats that become long chats, that become deep chats. The smell of food and the warmth from the bowl it is in. Sea air, salty, blustery, the jangle of a dog collar as they run. Being halfway through a book that has your full attention. The smell of the pages. A text that makes you smile. Ice cream on a hot day, the greasy feel of suncream and the smell of outdoors on your skin, in your hair. Rainy days with a warm mug of tea, fairy lights with full batteries. A film night with friends, quoting word for word. Laughing, always laughing.

You are fire and honey
You will soothe
Each burn you make
But leave behind
Sweet and sticky
Scars.

You're my Romeo of the dim streets
The master of the dark sheets
That we're drawn to
To hide our shame under
Cheeks flaming with rosy heat.
I seek your
Bedroom eyes at parties
That look straight through me
Wanting someone else instead.
We both ignore the
Inevitable affection of connection
Stone like facades
Worn as a tragedy mask,
Mine cracking from time to time.
As always, I can't escape
My childish long for your
****** words of affection
In bars with sticky tables
And cheap drinks I bought myself.
I savour the warmth of your
Parting embrace
From which I dread letting go
As that means letting you go
In some twisted way.
Then from my tower window
I watch you stumble home
Regret like a crown on my head
And carelessness the emblem
On your shining armour shield
That glows under the amber lamplight
Until it doesn't
And the dim streets are empty once more.

I leave behind
My room of ruins
And fight with
All I have
Not to look
Back
At it's broken parts

A blush on my cheeks
A smile spreading wide
A laugh at every word
That comes out
Of your seemingly
Perfect imperfect mouth
Childishly wondering
If you think I'm pretty,
Or if you find my mouth
Perfect too.
Hidden glances
To meet your gaze
And stare into your eyes
And forget the world
For a while.
I spend my days with
A spring in my step
A twinkle in my eye
Oh if I had the courage to try-
Poetics aside,
You make me a wreck
My stomachs flips
And churns
And my skin tingles
When our arms brush.
I'm not saying this is love
But yet instead
An intense
Admiration
Adoration
But still
Hesitation
For I am shy
And will surely wait
Until this feels right
By and by.

Chasing memories
Through traffic lights
My feet kept running
And I ignored the signs
I could have loved you
But I didn't
And I've tried to forget you
But I couldn't.

Your face flashing by
Like pictures past
I tried to hold on
But what was cannot last
And things we never wanted to
Have come to pass
While we laid there in the grass
Barely eighteen
And holding the world
In our palms.

And now you've left town-
Like you said you would
But I'm still around
And I wish that I could
Have known
That being alone is the
Worst of all things.

I'm still here,
Lost in the haze of it
And I never want
What I have
(I know you know that
More than anyone)
The things I can't
Glow in the dark
Like false promises
And shining diamond rings.

You told me you'd stay
Forever once
(You truly believed I
Was the one)
And we laugh about that now
Because your dreams
Really did come true
In the city
Just like how
You told me you'd
Never seen someone
That pretty
Before in your life.

And deep down I knew
I would never have been
Happy with you
But I'm not happy
Without you
So where does that leave me
Now you're undeceived of me
And I'm the same
That I've always been
And feeling down because of it.

It's a messed up feeling
To want to be adored
But I hoard compliments
Like a magpie.
And my youth is all
I have
Until it dies
And I become a shell
Holding onto the
Nice things someone
Once said about me
And I believed.

Once again,
This is all about me
And the ways that
I feel unsteady
Without you.
But I can ask you
How you are
And we can both
Pretend I'm not
Falling apart
Before I'm twenty five
And still don't know
What it means
To feel alive.

The good in me has
Truly died mean
So I sit and dream
With my window ajar
And let the memories
Pick me apart
Playing like
A film we made
On our brick phones.

I still can't really say
I love you
But I can say that
I miss you.
My biggest fear
Is that you'll forget me
Maybe regret
That you ever met me
And that's the closest thing
To heartbreak
My soul will ever know.

You peeled away my siren skin
When you didn't choose me
Left my shimmering scales
Raw and exposed,
Dripping seawater tears from the
Jagged edges.
You ripped off my disguise
You see,
When you showed just how much
You didn't want me,
A sheep in wolves fur,
Timid and unsuitable
Dragging behind you
And hiding in shallow waters
Until I could smooth my mask
Back into place.
I thought I could rest
In those shallow waters
Not have to show my
Burning cheeks for a little while,
But instead
I floated far out to sea
And in the swirling waters
Dark, inky and cold
I lost my scales.
A siren with a song and beauty
No more
Instead a shark, biting at the ankles
Of those who dare
To sing the sirens song.

You said you liked
My skinny blue jeans
Which I took to mean
You really liked me,
Because I like you
Early in the morning
With your hair messed up
And it's so ****** up
Because I dreamt
I was good enough
But I'll never be good enough
For you.
And you laughed at
The love letters
Thought you could do better,
Dismiss the girls that we meet
On the glistening streets
Who fawn and paw over you-
I know how they feel
Because I feel it too.
I'm sorry if I bore you
But I really adore you
Because you were so nice to me
Once upon a time.
I like your smile
And your old blue fleece
I once felt complete
But now I struggle
To feel anything at all.
I can't pretend
That I'm more than a friend
Because reality grounds you
Shows the world in it's true hue
Like the ending of tragic tv.
Because you never liked
My skinny blue jeans
And you certainly
Definitely, in all honesty
Never liked me.

Your smile floated on a wave
Sparkling and shimmering
As if it had absorbed the sun.
It made me smile too,
Watching you shine
But, then I stopped as you
Floated further until I could
No longer see you
But still, I reached out, arms stretching
Turning, twisting away
As what reason now did I have to smile
Trying, fighting, losing
Until I dropped like a stone and sank
Into the mud
As your shine cast its beams
Elsewhere.

The soil speaks your name
On earthy tongue
Rich and slow to move
Like thick roots in Spring.
The rain sings of you
Splashing melodic notes
Into murky puddles
That stare up at constellations.
The leaves whisper to you
Rustling in amber, brown and gold
As if you were a treasure
Left from the days of Kings
But it is the soil
In it's dark enclosure
That truly knows you
And calls you home
Oncemore.

What I want
Is a hand to hold
Warm and rough to the edges
Clasping my palm and my fingers
Like an embrace.
What I want is a conversation
A check in
Someone who wants to know that I'm OK
Even if I don't have an answer right now.
What I want is someone
Someone who thinks of me
Not to benefit themselves
But because they want to
Someone who cares.
But what use are wants, I'm sure I have many of them.

Life is sour
A taste that makes you wince
As if you've been
******* lemons
For when life hands you lemons
You can pretend
You squeezed them in your eyes
That explains the tears.
My heart feels bitter
I've left it open for too long
I should throw it out
As what's the point in salvaging
What can so easily be replaced.
Yes I'm feeling sour
Bitter, rotten
Who wouldn't be
With your name on their tongue.

We're one step closer
To paradise
My darling
But one step back
And you'll fall
Don't trust the strangers
My darling
We're not one step closer
At all.

And the strength of the lion
Was matched
By the courage
Of the butterfly
Who flew from flower to flower
And left the past behind her
As a closed book.

I tied some string
Around our
Little fingers
In a bow
Because it's the
Only knot I ever
Bothered to learn
And wished
That it would be
Enough
To keep you by
My side
Forever.

Today, the outside air smelt of summer.
It hit me with the same ferocity
As a strangers too strong perfume
But with the same familiarity
Of that of your mother's.
But how did a season have a smell
It was not the smell of
Freshly cut grass
Or flowers
Or even fruity drinks
The marketed, scents of the season
But instead raw, wonderful summer.
Were my senses altered?
Did I confuse the warmth of sun on my face
Or the blue of the sky
As a scent?
Then surely the harsh, chilling winds
Should have carried the scent
Of Autumn or Winter
And mangled into a sensory explosion.
No, the air smelt of summer
And huddled in my coat and scarf
Feet crunching on leftover snow
I longed for summer and her lazy warmth
So I breathed in deeply
And then hurried on in
As not to shatter my
Thoughts of summer
A perfectly good daydream.

I put sun cream on in the bedroom
You told me you liked the smell.
Later, sand stuck to it
When your hand was on my thigh
And your tongue in my mouth.
I tell my mother but not my friends
Because it wasn't as good
As I thought it would be
And I'm worried I did something wrong.
The next day
I avoid your gaze in the cafe
But you see me and
You pay for my ice coffee.
We go for a walk
I'm too awkward to say a thing
Our hands nearly brush, never touch.
We reach the pier
And I feel comfortable enough
To tease you about
Your Hawaiian shirt.
You're bashful, tell me it's second hand
And it smells musty, like dust
I suggest sun cream
And you smile, it's not awkward anymore.
You walk me home and
Kiss me before I go in
I thank you for the coffee
And watch as you walk
Down the path
Glowing in the evening sun.
Summer ends
And you promise to call
But never seem to find the time.
I watch your life unfold on Facebook
And we become strangers.
But I still think of you
Whenever I smell
Sun cream on my skin.

My too sweet jam on toast
And my too bitter coffee
Should have made for
A perfect morning.
But I am in mourning
So it all turned to dust
In my mouth.

Sunday night blues
And I'm thinking of you
And all we never had.
Because it's you
That I look for
And me you don't see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
And I'll do my hair
Wear a dress that you'd like
If someone else wore it
I think that you might
Have your breath
Start to mess
Caught in your throat
Like the luckiest
Catch of your life.
And one day you might
So I'll play pretend
That I'm like the rest
Have my string of bad luck
Until I get the best
And my heart won't feel
Like it's ripped
Out of my chest
Cause it's you that I knew
That I wanted.
But it's Sunday night blues
And I knew, oh I knew
It's not me
That you wanted.
I know it's not special
To watch from afar
To play the sad songs
And look out for your car
Wondering, hoping
That I'd be where you are
When the night is over.
Because Sunday night blues
Are waging a war
I know what I am
And I know I want more
I want to be
The girl in the dress
The perfectly imperfect mess
The one that you looked for
The one that you see
In the crowd, in the street
At the movies.
Sunday nights always end
So, just for once
Let us pretend
That this story
Will finally mend
And nothing more
Will be said.

You are sweet
Like tea with too many spoons of sugar
The mug you cradle and
Drink while it's still hot.
You are sweet
Like picnics and walks along the beach
Holding hands with damp palms
My heart beating fast in my chest.
You are sweet
Like the treats you shouldn't have
But I feel I will never grow sick of you
Or feel I have to push the plate away
To be polite.
I don't drink tea
And it's too cold outside for picnics
But with you the world is fuzzy
Golden glazes my eyes
And I find myself liking the taste of
Honey on my tongue.

Why does love
Smile so sweetly
When it lies,
And heartbreak
Cry
As it tells the truth?

I am the withering
Touch of winter,
The Anti-Midas,
The inevitable cruelty
Of the passing of time.
Around me, everything
Crumbles, decays
And decomposes
Leaving sorrow
To root deep
In my bones.

I sat in the centre of the earth
Without a care in the world
I sat alone on the grass so green
With the sky so blue
But, in the distance, thunder rolled
The grass browned
the sky darkened
And then I saw it
A small, white daisy
So delicate, so full of hope
But then
The fool I am, and the fool I will stay
Picked it
Broke the bond
Destroyed the hope
And as the daisy slowly wilted
I looked around, opened my eyes
With the gate of hell upon my back
And saw a new daisy begin to grow
As for every hell there is a heaven
For every lock there is a key
And as my soul drifted away
I thought and dreamt of hope
Of innocence
And the daisy

Last night
You passed through
My dreams
A fleeting thought
A spirit, almost
You but translucent.
When I woke,
I felt uneasy
And have felt
Strange ever since.
It seems apparent
To me
That despite the
Extenuating circumstances
My mind doesn't
Want to
Let go of you
Not yet
Not now
Not ever

A last breath exhales slowly
Dancing away on a lost promise
Over forests of almosts
And oceans of tears, lost
Until, it slows, and floats
Remaining next to the one
It once called home
And remains in its eternal slumber
Resting gently and peacefully
Until the other, too, takes its
Last exhale
And the two are United
Somewhere.