We said goodbye
And I looked back
To get one last
Look at you.
You had already
Walked away
Not looking back
At me
And I think that
Says it all
Really.

It is easier to be the Ice Queen
Crown of glass, so serene
A kingdom in my frozen grasp
Never forgetting that ice is sharp
And ice is cold in a way that cut
Through my veins and in my guts.
The Ice Queen's heart traps a shiver
(Until it melts)
And all is lost down the river
The flowers underneath- they wither
And turn to brown
And die.
Passion seems to melt
The frost
My frozen resolve is
Ultimately lost
And I wish for
Everything to be
Snow topped
Again.
But coloured wildflowers
Force their way
Towards
The blinding sun
In the same cruel way
That you won
Me over and melted me.
I am
A servant to
Your golden rays
As always
The Queen of nothing
But slush and things
That were once alive
But cannot thrive
When they are
Under my watchful eye.
Does anyone love the Ice Queen?
Are they willing to endure her scorn?
Does anyone want the Ice Queen?
Feel how she is cold where she should be warm.
Maybe I will be warm again
When the year has ended
When my skin isn't blue
But summer is no longer welcome
In my ice kingdom
And maybe, this time
Neither are you.

I'm peering through
The window
Of a life that used
To be mine.
Of people
That became
Figures in pictures
Memories warped
Into rectangles
That you hang
On the wall.
The moments
We thought would
Last forever
Have escaped us
Floating like
Paper lanterns
Into the night sky
Carrying with them
The brightest
Hopes and dreams.
Though I watched
Them go
I am still
Suprised to have
To leave
This life that used
To be mine
Behind.
But even as it
Fades away
It's glow
Through foggy window
Remains.

I feel like an unfinished painting
A portrait of a woman
The figure without a name.
I am always
A nearly masterpiece,
The unfinished sequel to
An artist's best work.
Critics will consider
My half shaded eyes
And sheer, lifeless hair
From too little paint strokes
Or careful pressure of a pencil
A pity.
They will declare that I
Could have been a showpiece
And won awards
Maybe they will ask
Why I was never completed
But know not to push the matter
As not to upset the artist.
Instead I am shut up in an attic
A dustsheet hiding me from view
Maybe I have become
Damaged from exposure
To sunlight and damp.
Maybe I have been forgotten
As an unfinished, abandoned project
A mark of shame
For the genius
Whose other works
Were a roaring success.

After the sleepy days of winter
I am ignited, brought to life,
The phoenix rising
And soaring through
Daydreams and memories.
I am caught by the edge of
A summer breeze
I whirl around in the air
Like a dandelion seed
Carrying the promise
Of a wish
The promise of tomorrow
The promise of summer.
I am a rainstorm after
Days of sticky heat,
I am the change of pressure
In the air, humid and thick
I am not stopping anytime soon
So couples dance and splash
Raincoats over sun dresses.
Today, because of me,
Everything is lush green and alive
So that when the sun peaks around
A cloudy corner once more
Nature will march to the order
And stand straight and tall
Breathtaking. Beautiful. Summer.

The raven on the roof
Cries out a warning
Of the mourning that is sure
To arrive.
With the west winds
Outside is colder
Than I have
Ever recalled
I wrap my coat like a cloak around me
Tightly tightly
And hurry home.
The raven sits and watches
A gleam of something
(Malice or sorrow)
In his beady eye
Watching the little
World hurry by
Like pieces on a chess board
All the while
Crying out a warning
That I'll forget as soon as
I'm indoors with the kettle on
And warm lamp light
To keep away the shadows

Because summer ends
As it always does
And I'm the one who's still in love
Stupid and young and jaded
Waiting for the giddy heat.

The cooler air
Is bracing and hard
A fairytale of broken parts
That sting in ways they
Really shouldn't.

I cling tightly to the aged dream
Of something sweeter
And shut myself away-
You could always be meaner.

The enchantment of my youth
Is lost in the forest
Locked down in material layers
And words that mean more to me
That were meant when spoken.

You wish me nothing but the best
And avoid my eyes
But not my chest
It's a sweet farewell I'm sure.

When you touch my cheek
It doesn't matter that
I feel so incomplete
As it's the briefest euphoria
And its taste is ambrosia.

The leaves fade past golden
And nothing changes
I wish I could hold on
And everything moves on
Except me.

I fail to adjust to the season
Wither and brown in the cold
I have nothing here to lean on
So I hide and cease to exist
Under a blanket of burnt out stars and sticks.

I'll stay that way until winter
Until frost and ice
Until they know me and
Have caught me in their frozen grip
And I no longer
Give a ****.

That will be the New Year's freedom
And suddenly it will be spring.

Words are like
Spilled ink on a page
They mean nothing
But stain everything they touch.
These words
Burn and can heal
Destroy and bring together.
I have known them to
Create an empire
But then send it crashing down
A ghostly reminder
That the pen is mightier than the sword.
These words
Are sharp and cutting
They have to be
In order to catch and claw
The attention that they want.
In the wrong hands
These words
Can obliterate
But can also be useless
And ruin reputation.
These words are
A weapon, a living
A way to live
They are older
And wiser than you
Or me.
Let them sit for a while
Get a good look
For these words
Will come and go
With the springtime.

A soul burns brightly,
In a dark room of blind eyes,
Shining solitary and alone.
And, when the flame
Wavers,
Falters, and nearly dies,
Somewhere, in the depths,
A soul flickers back.

Yesterday,
You told me a story
That I had told you
The day before
But you were so excited
To share it with me
That I let it be yours
And laughed in all
The right places.

I have loved you for a long time
And hated myself
For you not loving me
The scorn of being
The unrequited lover
Burnt into my skin.
But you are my best friend
With you I have laughed
So much that I've cried
And cried myself to sleep
Thinking about why
I am the undesirable
The unlovable, the always
And yet never quite.
At night you are
The man of my dreams
And in the day
Perfect and somehow godlike
Bathed in sunlight and self-confidence
While I dim in the shadows behind you.
But I cannot hate myself anymore
And I cannot love you anymore
So I must turn my back on sunshine
And let myself enjoy the rainbows
And the rainstorms.

Why do I long for home
As if it was something
Lost to me
Out at sea
Under the waves of oblivion.

Why do I feel empty
And indifferent to it all.

I would like to lie
In the suns gaze
And shrug off myself
Give my thoughts the slip
Just for a moment
A minute, an eternity.

Carry on without me
I'll be here awhile
And imagine I'm sat
Under the sky I know
So much better than this one
The one with the brighter stars
That I can reach
And graze my fingertips across
Remembering the burn of promise
As if it was tingling still.

Home where are you now
Have you flown somewhere far
Where I cannot reach
Without a guide
Without some aid.
Will I stay here on this island
That is so
Familiar but detached from me.
When will I be ready
To brave the storms
For possibility
For more than what I have made
And chose to stay in.

Will this be the
Moment we
Long for
When age has
Caged the flame
Inside us?

Why do thoughts
Creep
Like a stranger on the stairs
Into your mind
And dig their way in
Like maggots
Into decay.
They leave traces
Reasons to doubt,
Worry and over think.
These thoughts
Pollute
And distort.
Your mind becomes a haze
Unclear,
Hiding
In a sea of fog.

I'm tired I'm tired
It's the way that I'm wired
I'm tired
Of living this way.
I'm hung and I'm dry
I'm the furthest from high
I'm tired
So I need to find
The sun in the sky.
Because I'm sopping
I'm soaking
I'm tired of hoping
That something is
To be said for coping.
I'm tired
And lonely
And not thinking clearly
If only, if only
The thoughts would
Come slowly
Instead of
A cacophony
Of things I needed to hear.
I'm tired and I need
Something in me
To breathe
To crack and consider
How to be a beginner
Because I'm failing
At anything more.
I'm tired of friends
And I'm tired of ends
Of goodbyes and
Broken ties and tears in my eyes
I am tired.
I think I need to be
In order to see
Those who work best
When they're putting
Doubts in my head
And a sword through my chest
I'm tired of their
Supposed sincerity
And twisted apologises.
It is late and I'm low
I have no more to show
My reel has run fully
It has failed to fool me
As all that it is
Is mine
I am tired, it's true
But I swear it to you
I'll be fine.

Missing
Is a haunting
Vacancy
Which tugs tears
From stubborn
Eyes
And lost hearts.

When I was small
You seemed to be a character
Straight from the pages
Of the storybooks
You would read to me at bedtime.
An unappreciated genius
Tall and strong enough
To make me fly like an aeroplane.

When you came in from work tired
I would tiptoe past the sleeping giant
And you would pull me in for a hug
Warm and safe.
When it was my turn to be tired
I would ride on your shoulders
Pretend I was as tall as you
And let you join in my adventures
Through fairytale lands.

You were the patient one,
As I struggled over the maths problems
My dreamer brain
Could never seem to understand
But was another thing you
Were good at.
You would amaze at my
Appetite for books
And encourage me
To keep my head in the clouds.
Now I see that we are more alike
Than I would have ever forseen
Despite the differences
I used to think were mountainous.

I think of you with every song I play
And know you're thinking of me
As you do the same.
Although I've grown too much
To still ride on your shoulders
You've remained a part of my adventures
As we instead walk side by side.
Even now, I still see you
As an unappreciated genius
And my safety net
The strong, sleeping giant
With the gentlest heart I know.

I am many miles away
I have left home
Flown the nest
Towards the sea.
I am now
Past the age of dependency
And yet I have
Never needed you more
And as usual
You are there
My eternal source of love
And reassurance.

I have grown past the age
Of needing to be rocked to sleep
But I know you stay up
Waiting for me to come home
And let you know I'm OK.
I am not the child
That needs to sit on your knee
And have my hair stroked
But I know the spot is always free
When I'm sad and need you.

You will always be my source of wisdom
You tell me how to cook as you do
Warn me who cannot be trusted
As you showed me how to read
When I was small
And as I can always trust you.
Now I teach you
How to use your phone
So we can send silly photos
And make me feel at home wherever I go.

To my mother
Who I miss everyday
But know is just a phone call away.

I'm sorry for being too
Much of myself, again.
Sorry for being too
Much and not enough,
Sorry for never being the
Prettiest/smartest/
Most interesting
Person in the room
And always saying
Too much
Or nothing at all.
I'm sorry I have faded
In age
But am still bright enough
To make some eyes wince
I am sorry for never being
What you wanted
What I wanted
For never being what
Anyone wanted
After all.

Wrap the truth
Around me
Like a noose
And hope that
I never cut
Myself loose
To swing free,
Like the best
Of years gone by

Your gaze searched
But never seemed to find
Mine in a room of so many others
As, why would eyes as real as yours
Think to look through the crowd
And down
To see a pair as hopeful as my own
That patiently wait
And wait forever
For you
When I, am nothing but
Small, insignificant, a waste.

Saturday nights and it appears
I'm still wishing you were here
Even though it could be a million years
And you still wouldn't want me.

I could fight my way through crowds
You could be figuring things out
I'd be scared, I'd be soulless
I'd be whatever just to cope less
And you still wouldn't want me.

And the thought of that it haunts me

Because I'd change my hair
I'd change my clothes
I'd be yours down to my bones
Lose all of me that I have known
And you still wouldn't want me.

I'd do whatever it takes to know you
Be your sun when days are blue
Be the love you never knew
But I feel it in me like a stake through
After doing all that I could do
You still wouldn't want me.

You've never ever wanted me

And I could shut my eyes
And deny the truth
But this right here is real life proof
I've given all I can while she gives none
And you still cannot want me
What does it take for you to want me?

I'd give midnight kisses
And dances in the dark
You'd have my all, you have my heart
I'd even get used to wanting
I'm getting used to haunting
The places we used to go
Ignoring the people we used to know
And I feel it still
As I walk myself home
The sinking feeling
Of knowing what I know
The caustic sting
In streetlight glow

You will never want me.

Welcome to the
Wasteland.
You've been here
For a while,
But the stars
Let you think
You were somewhere
Else
And for that,
I am sorry.

If I could start a fire
And watch the world burn
Out
Out like a light, a shutter, a spark
For I am a star, a star to burn out
Out
To float in the space, in the void
Just to sit and wonder, and leave, just to go
Out.
I think I need something, I think I need-
I think I need to get out
Out.
I'll wipe the tears and the soot from the ash
Because this fires gone, the flames have burnt out
Out.
I am the flames that are gone.
I am the star that is dust.
I am the space in the void.
I think I need to get out.
Out.

Dreams melted
Like candle wax
And stuck to our pillows
As hard and awkward
Reminders
To lift up our heads.

To me, my eyes are windows
My soul exposed
Showing to the world
My every joy or suffering.
What I never realise
Is how the windows are blocked
Curtains drawn
Blacked out from the inside
With cardboard and tape
A weak defence
Subconsciously put up
A weak defence to hide behind.
My tears are blocked in
Slowed to an escaping trickle
Burning and stinging
As it prevents the waterfall.
Can't you see
How I feel?
I'm drowning here
Look through the gaps
Through the window
A broken soul remains.

I am older and wiser
And hopefully
A little kinder
As kindness
Is nicer than
The alternative.

I wish I could tug
Words from your lips
Like smoke.
I wish my eyes would
Glow like brimstone
In the dark.
I wish that yesterday
Was nothing but embers
And tomorrow
Was nothing but ash.
I wish like a well
And I'm sick
Of it.

Dear you,
The mysterious stranger
My old friend
The one with stars in his eyes
To you,
The boy who has
Captured my heart
And broken it at the
Same time
As if you thought
As silly as it was
I was something
Precious and fragile
Like glass.
You,
The mysterious stranger,
My oldest companion
Who has the answers
And yet
Is still somehow
Ignorant to the world
Lost boy,
Explorer and conqueror
Afraid of the dark
And failure.
Am I forgotten?
Scorned like rain
Or broken
Like  a promise.
For you,
My dreamer, 
The world awaits.

My youth is slipping through my fingers
Hot butter, melting down my palm
Cascading slowly
Drip dripping
And there is nothing I can do
To hold onto it.