i cant take you out of my brain, just when i thought i had forgotten all about us, all the memories came flooding down on me. doesnt matter if i try to block you out or find someone new, there will always be a piece of you in me.

lets get drunk with the intention of dancing, kissing, and laughing with eachother. then when everyone asks what happened, we'll blame it on the drinks and never tell the truth about how we really feel

i actually loved you, i fell in love with how fragile you were, how easy it was to access your love and care. i got to know you better, you became my go to, the person that i depended and i loved feeling how much you needed me back. you were like a lover i never had before, someone that matched my vibe even though we were nothing alike at all. i made us work out, ruining everything and everyone involved in this mess including myself, knowing that i only wanted you temporarily. i tried to save myself by drowning in a sea of lesbianism. you made everything seem like it was ok because you were the one to blame, i was never the problem. i lied, manipulated, and shattered you just as much as you did to me. we left eachother with so many questions and open wounds, i still have dreams where i reach out to you and we lay everything down on the table and be completely honest. but dreams aren't reality, maybe one day i'll understand that this was never love, just mutual ****** desires.

i dream about us every now and then
& picture how it could’ve been
if we worked out together, not just as friends
but that's a dream & all dreams end

i've always wanted you from the start
i could care less if you broke my heart
cause truly, wow, you’re a piece of art
but i’d rather have you whole then part

tell me how you really feel
if you think its small, then what's the big deal
i need you to be authentic & real
just give me your heart & i’ll take the wheel

i thought we’d be perfect, but that was a lie
you could never express what you felt inside
i'm still here, talking to you tonight
but pls tell me how you feel before these feelings shiver & die

you are a piece of art
just because we didn’t work out
doesn’t mean that there still isn’t something there
you are amazing
you are talented
you are beautiful
you are you
and that's all I need to be stuck on you

I laugh now cause of how absolutely ridiculous I am
I used to say I can’t live without you
but I was able to before I met you and I'm still living without you now
it's crazy how we say such things when we think we’ve found the one
they say it hurts so much to lose someone
but I’ve gotten over that stage
I can live with or without you
you don’t phase me and I find that amazing
a work of art

I came into this world with a big strong heart
I came into this world with good intentions
I came into this world with love and kindness
but the world came to me with hate
the world came to me with fights
the world came to me with negative vibes
so I tried to save myself
but the world overcame
so my heart became weak and cold
my intentions became irrelevant
my love and kindness turned into harshness
how can I overcome the world by myself
-8:53pm 3/11/18

I sit outside, holding my knees
watching the sky put on an art show
I sit there on the grass
and I think back on my life as a kid

my only hurting was ripping a bandaid off my scratched knees
my only sadness was not getting ice-cream
my only fear was losing my lucky teddy bear
my only ‘getting in trouble’ was calling someone meanie

I remember when my happiness was shown everywhere on my face with my messy hair and missing teeth
and my love was always shown from the tight hugs and sweet cheek kisses

my friends were so amazing
they would always have crayons for me if I forgot mine
they would let me take their role of pretend, if I didn’t like mine
they would share their chips with me if I was hungry

having a crush was the best
writing notes was the only way of ‘texting’
the guys would sit next to you and not say anything but it was the most honoring feeling ever
writing your name with his last name was the greatest distraction

my family was so perfect
my dad would read me stories at night until it was past my bedtime
my mom would push me high on the swings so I could touch the sky
my siblings would make me laugh till I couldn’t breathe

what happened to all of that?
how’d I grow up so fast
how can I go back
everything seems unrealistic

being a kid was great
as I breathe deeply and watch the last streak of sun disappear
I thank God for every moment of my childhood
cause that's all I can do, be grateful

I’m a hibiscus
a flower that will open up when the sun is present
and closes when the moon rises
I feel as though my sun
has never risen in my life
and the moon has been my closest friend
the darkness
I have waited all my life for a sun
for something that will help me bloom
and open up
only the sun will be able to see my beauty
and when it does
it will never want to leave
so I will wait
till the sun realizes the part that its been missing
and will come visit me
meanwhile
I will continue to befriend the moon
I will learn how to be beautiful in the dark

I have so many emotions
I feel everything
& say nothing about it
I’m incredibly sensitive
I have a “fragile, please handle with care” sign on me
anything can mean something to me
all your actions and words
go straight to my heart
the good thing about that is
I love more
I dream more
I understand more
but the bad thing about that is
I give my heart to people that ignore my sign
& they
THROW ME
PUNCH ME
BREAK ME
so that's cool
thank you for that

long talks
I miss those with you
where we could babble on about nothing and everything at once
for the longest time
we would start at 9pm and fall asleep at 4am
we were both so open
nothing seemed to be hidden
long talks
sometimes we would laugh
sometimes we would cry
every night was different
I would trade anything to have those conversations again

after all the arguments, tears, & yells
you'd look in my eyes and i would cast a spell
i'll always be yours, can’t you tell
when girls start to like you, i wish them well
cause it won’t ever be the same
if you date her, you’ll still slip out my name
it'll drive you insane
and you won’t be able to explain.
thats what happens when you spend time with me
you get so much energy
that i'll be engraved not only in your memories
so if your with me, you’ll always will be.
you said thinking of me is the worst
it kills you, you feel cursed
into your thoughts someone else might submerse
but im still the only one you thirst

because I am not a one night thing
I am not a hotel that you can come in then leave
I am your most comfortable home
I am the unknown island you want to get to know
when you come in, you won’t just leave without taking something with you
sometimes, you just never leave
you stay, forever

I said
we were amazing
while putting bandages on my cuts
I said
I really loved him
while covering up my bruises
I said
I'm glad he’s happy now
while wiping away my tears

she gives you everything i couldn’t give
she understands your pain & anger
she comforts you
that's all you ever needed
my problem was that i needed someone to understand ME and comfort ME
i wasn’t in the mental state of caring for someone else when i couldn’t take care of myself
i sound selfish but its the truth
when we were together i gave you a burden thinking you could help me out
and i expected you to understand my problems when i didn’t understand it myself
don’t put the blame on me
if you knew i was broken
if you knew you couldn’t fix me
then why’d you come into my mess
and leaving saying i didn’t give enough
i gave what i could and what i couldn’t give, i didn’t
i'm not perfect but maybe she is

I am a butterfly
you are my flower
I have gotten bored of you
your juice and scent
no longer attracts me
I flutter away
on a mission to find something new
you will stay there
blooming
other butterflies will come
they will taste your juice
they will fly onto you
and love your scent
but none of them
will taste you as I did
none of them
will know you as I did