Six AM and it's time for the medication,
the parade of pills and liquids to start.
One for the cyst in your shoulder,
it won't make it better --
it just dulls the pain until it tears.
Two for the muscles eroding in your knees,
you said they were feeling better --
but you just felt guilty for wasting dad's earned money.
One drop in each eye for the inflammation,
the late nights in worn contacts
have caused some disease in your eyes.

Noon and the parade continues.
One drop in each eye for the inflammation,
slipping into the bathroom during school.
Two pills for the migraines,
they've become constant now.

Six PM and the parade still marches.
One pill for the cyst in your shoulder,
hopefully the popping sound will go away,
and you can put the sling away.
Two pills for the muscles eroding in your knees,
up and down and up and down the stairs all day,
wishing for a real relief from the pain.
One drop in each eye for the inflammation,
now they begin to sting,
the steroids doing something -- just not their job.

Ten PM and the parade begins to shut down.
One drop in each eye for the inflammation,
praying tomorrow the pain will be gone --
for a natural sleep with natural dreams.
Fifteen mL of liquid sleep aid,
it battles the steroids and the insomnia,
but doesn't stop the nightmares.

Six AM comes too soon,
the parade starts again.

I've gotten quite good at swallowing large amounts of pills...

I met him at a party
The late night buzz and low lights
The blaring music and loose dancing
All shrouded in a fog of assorted drugs.
I met him at a party,
And he wrote his 10 numbers
On the back of my small hand.
I remember his smirk and
the way he said Call me.
He disappeared into the fog,
and is still awaiting a call
from that girl he met at a party.

It was late when I stumbled home,
Pepermint gum trying to hide
the harsh alcohol in my breath.
I came home and saw his number,
and for some reason,
thought it was yours.
I crawled through the haze of my house,
trying to find my room, my bed.
I snaked under the blankets,
and for some reason,
thought you were laying beside me.
I've never slept so soundly in my life.

By morning, my parents are asking questions,
but all I can see is his number on my hand.
I thought to myself
Now's my chance to start over,
to love someone new,
to forget the past.
I cried --
for joy or sadness, I'll never know.
Those tears fell onto his number,
and with a flick of my thumb,
it was gone.

Head up, stay strong, fake a smile, move on,
they always said,
No one will see a broken spirit.

They were wrong.

Your eyes saw past it all.

The way your eyes loved my soul
wasn't in vain or vanity.
They didn't see the complex masks
or the pounds of makeup --
Your eyes saw me in all my simplicity.
You dove into the darkness of my eyes
and found this small broken light --
some strange thing you called a *soul.
Your eyes loved that shattered light --
they held it with kind words and soothing embraces.

I felt like The Golden Girl turned inside out:
a face comprised of dullness and imperfection,
a soul of great beauty and grace.
With words, smiles, and touch,
you convinced me to stay in my skin,
but for once in my insipid life,
my soul felt alive and bright.
No longer would I battle the darkness,
no longer would I be afraid of the monsters inside.
Your eyes struck the match that ignited my soul again.

Someone was wearing your cologne today
So many memories in one breath --
I exhale and find myself gasping for you again,
Breath after shallow breath until I am hollow with you.
It was light enough for the wind to carry it
but it made me feel like Atlas under the Earth.

It was nothing but empty hopes
wishes left ungranted.
As night falls,
and the darkness comes for me,
I find myself gasping for you

Clutching crumpled Tootsie Pop wrappers
And cradling torn Four Leaf Clovers.
Wishing you are far away
The more distance I can place between us,
The safer you are.

Wishing I was in your arms
Craving your lullaby, your steady heart beat,
For selfish reasons.
Take my Tootsie Pop wrappers and Four Leaf Clovers.

I am the very last person who deserves a wish.
Take them and know I never wanted to hurt you.
Wish for a thread and needle

Or a plane ticket to Neverland
Just please,

Don't wish for me.