I don't really know where to start with this. I feel like I need to write and express, how I feel.
I was forgotten, maybe even hated but I spent days trying to search for you.
I spent days loving you when you forgot to love me back.
I spent months after crying to myself at the foot of my shower.
I spent months pounding fists into my pillows, screaming words of bitter vile at those who actually cared for me.
And the hardest part was accepting you didn't.
You left and I didn't know what I did wrong but all I wanted to do was fix it! Fix me!
You somehow became my anchor to this reality without me even knowing.
We had created a world I could survive in but without you it all just fell apart.
My heart, my mind, I wasn't me.
Maybe you'd love me now because I do things I never did back them.
I smoke a joint with my friends and get drunk everyday but the weekends.
I sit in my room trying to think about something other than you but my cold heart is frozen on the subject, it refuses to beat away from it.
I no longer eat. My diet consists of a 32 glass of H2O and a hand full of pills that's supposed to make the fat go.
I'm worthy now I promise.
But somehow I'm never enough for anyone even me.
And if you could look in the mirror and see what I see you'd have taken your life long ago.
But don't.
Too many people end up hurt over the loss of someone that they don't really know.
They say I'm so happy and that I'm doing fine
But they don't even see what I don't let show!
My world is insanity and my mind won't stop thinking!
My heart just stopped beating.
Not physically, just emotionally.
I decided if I can't really die I'll just die in another way!
Let me tell you death is a funny thing.
People claim to love you and people claim to care but the whole ******* time they were completely unaware!
Of the thoughts that literally eat me alive and the loneliness I constantly feel inside, this ugly ******* shell I'm left to take care of because the girl that I was is gone.
I can't handle the fact that I let myself down, I let myself drown.
Because you were my anchor and you wrapped around me as I struggled to breath.
You disappeared into the depths of my tears that created this sea, and then you were gone and I was left drowning, because you still had a hold on me.
The water froze over and I couldn't break through, I just watched everyone watching me there, acting like they couldn't see me or that they didn't really care.
And the girl you built died, I watched her sink to the bottom in an attempt to join you but you were lost where she was found,
Because in that moment she let you go, she learned to grow from all these mistakes.
She forgot what your laugh sounded like, what you looked like in the dim lighting of your room.
She forgot the words you swore by but never held to, she forgot your touch and your smile.
She forgot about you and the girl she was.
And she smiled with tears in her eyes as the old her died and the new her began to rise.
She was free,
Finally.
I wrote this awhile ago. I recently just added to it and decided that these feelings I felt were valid at one point but they are not valid anymore. I no longer feel a thing for you, and I don't know where those feelings went but they left the second you did. Now I'm happy. I'm finally free of your toxic manipulations and I can finally breathe without the pressure of your presence.
I don't need you, I don't know why I ever thought I did.
Looking at it now, I don't really know if I ever loved you at all. I was dazed and confused. But now I see things perfectly clear. And I'm happy with the man who treats me right, the actual love of my life.