i can't
like you
you're bad
for me
but that's
only what
i've heard
never what
i've felt
my heart
is whispering
to trust
the beating
but my
mind is
screaming that
looks can
be deceiving
and i
don't know
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl
because it
is safer
i've felt
this way
for way
too long
to just
let it
all go
but i
am so
confused and
i want
to know
whether you
are good
for me
or not
do i
let myself
fall or
do i
get on
my knees
and crawl.

it hurts
knowing that
you will
always remember me
as the girl
who broke
your heart.
i will
forever remain
frozen
in your time.
you will
never
see me as
the girl
who stays up
until 3 am
comforting
the broken souls
with broken hearts,
or the girl
who pulls together
what little money
she has
to buy a
birthday present,
or the girl
who silently wishes
she could take
all the bad
in the world,
all the pain,
all the sadness,
all the destruction,
and bring it
all upon myself
so that everybody
may experience
the sunshine.
in your eyes
i am a monster
who feeds off
of broken hearts
and saltwater tears
and i pray
that someday
you will stop
seeing me
in black
and white.

i need you

to wipe the

tears

from my cheeks,

and put

bandaids

over the gashes

on my

heart,

and whisper

in my ear

that it will

all

be

ok,

because right now

my hope

has run dry

like a

poor village's

water supply

(although the

well in my

eyes seems

to always

be full to the

brim).

Everything I thought I knew
I know no longer.
My head is not
A library
Filled with shelves
And shelves
Of lively knowledge.
I thought I knew
What love is.
But how can I
When I've been hurt so much?
I thought I knew
What love is.
But how can I
When I cry myself to sleep
Night after night.
Do not read my words
And think I'm experienced
With the ups and downs
Of life.
I do not know anything.
I just know
That I go through life
Dreaming of something more.

my hair is naturally curly.
i straighten it
everyday.
my face is smooth
and clean.
i apply makeup to it
everyday.
my body is thin
yet curvy.
i frown in the mirror
everyday.
why do you define me
by my outward appearance?
why do you think
my face,
my hair,
and my body
are the only things
that matter?
i used to be so content
with myself.
i used to think
i was beautiful.
then society came along
and ruined that.
society came along
and told me
i wasn't good enough,
pretty enough,
skinny enough.
what about my heart?
what about the love that i lost
in an attempt to
fix myself?
what about my thoughts?
do they matter?
can't you judge me
by the content in my soul,
and the content outside of it?
am i enough now?
this empty shell
of the confident person
i used to be?
will i ever be enough?

blonde hair.
blue eyes.
thin body.
designer clothes.
popularity contest.
matter over mind
over matter
over mind.
prom queen.
cheerleading captain.
top of the social ladder.
perfect.

depression.
anxiety.
lies.
secrets.
fake smile.
makeup.
insecurities.
tears.
eating disorder.
masks.
heartbreak.
sadness.
insecurities.
insecurities.­
insecurities.
insecurities.

why can't
we all just
get along.
to just keep
our opinions
to ourselves
and live in peace.
a man kneels
during the national anthem
because he belives
black lives matter.
instead of flooding twitter
with hateful comments
maybe just think about
why he kneels.
we are free
to take a stand
in what we
believe in
and people
need to learn
to respect that.
a girl
covers her mouth
with duct tape
for a day.
you think
she's weird.
she's actually supporting
the victims
of bullying
who can't speak up
for themselves.
instead of making fun
of her
maybe just think about
how bold that is
for her to take
a stand like that.
i am so sick
of seeing our world
plagued by hate.
you may not
agree with things.
i don't agree with things.
but i know better
and i spread
happiness.

sometimes
i just want
to jump
into the
roaring, endless ocean
and let myself
sink to
the bottom
because if
i breathe in
and water
fills my lungs
but i do
not drown
then i am
invincible.

i can't stop
craving the feeling
of your lips on mine.
our tongues
passionately dancing
to an ****** melody.
i want to feel you
between my thighs,
a painful pleasure
that can't be replaced.
i want you
i want you
i want you
and yet i can't have you
because we can never
get alone.
i just want
to rest my head
on your chest
and listen to
your heartbreat
keeping time with mine.
i want to leave
a trail of kisses
from your jaw
to your stomach.
i want you to
want me.
i want you
to satisfy
the deepest desires
of my heart.
i want you
to whisper in my ear
all the things
i've been dying to hear.
i want you
i want you
i want you.
i need you.

she wore
her clothes
for the sole purpose
of not
being naked.
she didn't care
about looks.
she wore
shapeless baggy jeans
with a shapeless baggy tee
and ***** old sketchers.
and yet she was
the most
beautiful girl
to walk the halls.
her stringy brown hair
curtained her face
and it was clear
of any makeup.
she was so real.
so true.
so confident
in her own skin.
she didn't care
about the opinions
of others.
and oh
were there opinions.
they called her
ugly.
they called her
a loser.
the called her weird.
and yet
i was so
jealous of her.
of her ability
to dress however.
to never wear makeup.
to never style her hair.
to not even care
what people think.
it seems like
people dress me.
i have to wear
what they like.
i have to wear makeup.
i have to straighten
my naturally curly hair.
i have to wear
a mask.
meanwhile she wore
her clothes
for the sole purpose
of not
being naked.

why did you
bother
giving me
your heart
if you were
just gonna
take it right back?
you knew
i was committed
(and i guess
deep down
i knew
you weren't)
yet you still
went ahead
and took
my heart
and you tossed
it up
in the air
and laughed
when got
scared that
you'd drop it.
you made
a joke
out of something
so fragile
and you don't
even
care.

god i want
to  kiss you
so **** badly.
i look at you
and all i
can think of
is your perfect lips
pressed against mine
and i know you want to.
but it would be wrong.
you have
a girlfriend.
and as awful
as it sounds
if you kissed me
right now i wouldn't
stop you.
in fact
i'd probably
kiss you back
girlfriend or not.
and maybe
that makes me
a horrible person.
but i can't
control the  
way i feel
about you.
even though
i try
keeping it all
locked up
in my box.

10:15
you said
you don't want
a relationship
right now
but were you
reminding me
or yourself?
10:36
do you ever
look at your phone
and smile
to yourself
when my name
pops up
on your screen?
don't i ever
cross your mind
when it's 11:00
and you're driving
alone,
the moonlight
casting a glow
on the
empty passenger seat?
11:11
are you
closing your eyes
and wishing
that thoughts of you
are on my mind?
12:47
of course
not.
1:03
who would?

her heart
is a leather bound journal.
black inked words
decorate the pages
with her secret
joys,
heartbreaks,
disappointments,
favorite memories,
songs,
people.
all the things
she wishes
she could talk about
with somebody,
but she doesn't
because she doesn't
think anybody
will care enough
to listen to
all the little things
that mean so much
to her.

the bible says
in the beginning
God created
the heavens
and the earth.
"and God said,
let there be light:
and there was light."
what you say
becomes who you are.
God said
let there be light
and therefore
He is light.

i love you
so much
i am holding
back tears.
i don't know why
it hurts to love you.
loving you should
be amazing
and beautiful
and so serene.
but instead
it knocks the breath
out of me
and sends me
to my knees,
gasping for breath,
heart wrenching sobs
escaping my mouth,
and you pull me
to your chest,
asking why i cry.
but how can i tell you
it's because i love you?

we sat
on the side
of the highway,
our legs dangling
over the edge.
it was 2 am,
and the glow
from your cigarette
lit up
your face.
the ash caught
in your
eyelashes
and when you
looked at me,
your eyes
were the
brightest
shade of green
i'd ever seen.
"babe,"
you mumbled,
your voice sending
shivers down
my spine.
"you look
so **** beautiful
under the stars."
i looked up
into your
green glass eyes,
and you dropped
your cigarette,
crushing it
with the toe
of your
black vans,
then tilted
my head back
and kissed me.
i tasted
the smoke
on your tongue.
you led me
into the forest
on the side
of the road,
and hidden
by the trees,
you slid off
my shirt
just as it
began to drizzle.
your fingertips
grazed
my rib cage
and you felt
my pounding heart,
so full of love.
so much love.
i gave you
my most sacred
gift that night
(love with
a capital v)
and i pray
that you'll
keep me.

man is born
neither good
not bad.
mankind
or manUNkind.
it is not real.
we do
not know
good
or bad
when we first
come from
the womb.
it is life
that shapes you.
life molds
your heart
like a fresh lump of clay
to either mankind
or manUNkind.
take a moment
and think
about your existence.
what shaped you?
what shaped the kind?
what shaped the unkind?

i wish
i didn't care
and i hate myself
for caring
and i hate you
for making me care
and i hate myself
for not actually hating you.

the unthinkable.
it's unspeakable.
unimaginable.
so cold.
so heartless.
unbelievable.
unbearable.
four bullets.
one life.
one loss.
one love.
one heart broken.
she was my
soul,
and now
she is
a lost soul.
my heart,
oh how
it bleeds
for her.
it bleeds
the same
way she did.
her shoulder.
her neck.
her head.
her heart.
my heart.
she was
stolen from me
before i
could even
call her
my wife.
before we
could start
a new life
and now
there is no life.
she's now
like my father.
an innocent soul
brutally
murdered
while walking
down the street.
what now?
is life just out
to get me?
stealing the
two best friends
i have ever known.
take me instead.
but no.
that would be
too easy.

my body
is my body.
let me do
as i please.
paint a
never-ending galaxy
of stars
and planets
on my back.
write a
story of heartbreak
and sadness
on my stomach.
plant a
garden of roses
between my thighs.
ink your
name
on my *******
so that i may
always have you
near my heart.
swim in
the roaring oceans
of my mind
and pick up
stray seashells.
my body
is my body.
let me do
as i please.

the man who raised me.
the ma who made me who i am today.
the man who looked at me and saw things in me
nobody else did.
the man who inspires his fifth grade
students the same way he's inspired me
for 17 years.
i am a sunflower and he is the sun.
i angle my head to soak in his golden
drops of love to help me grow.
life would be unimaginable without him.
imagine a beach without the roaring mighty ocean.
imagine a hospital without doctors.
it is hard to write a poem using the right
words to describe my father.
so all i will say is this:
he is my father
and his is
irreplaceable.

blood dripped
down my chest
as i ripped
my heart out
and gave it
to you
but i ignored
the pain
because i thought
your love for me
was stronger.
but then
i realized
you never loved me
at all.
so now
my favorite dress
is stained
and there's
a hole
in my chest.

i feel like
i am stealing
the food
straight from
their mouths.
how can
i eat
when they have
NOTHING.
hurricane maria took
EVERYTHING.
they don't have
water.
they don't have
electricity.
they don't have
ANYTHING.
my family
in puerto rico
is alive
but they're
barely breathing.
how can you
when you've lost
EVERYTHING?
the least i can do
is dedicate this poem
to them.
pray for puerto rico.

my heart feels so heavy
weighed down by loneliness
why don't you love me
i did everything right
i did things
i didn't want to do
just so that i could
please you
what will it take
to stitch up the gashes
on my heart
that you cut open
i don't understand
i tried being your everything
but clearly i wasn't enough
because you left me
for her
i shattered my ribcage
when i let you in
but i ignored the pain
because i thought
you were all that i wanted
and that pain was a part
of loving someone
but i was wrong
oh how i was wrong
you made me feel so beautiful
yet so ugly
so perfect
yet so imperfect
so loved
yet so unloved
but still to me
you are beautiful
perfect
and loved
when will i reach that with you
or will i never
be able to obtain
you heart

don't rely
on your
beauty
or your
muscles
or your
popularity
because when
you're older
and you're walking
down the street
people won't see you
as a young
beautiful man
or woman.
they will see you
as an old man
or woman
so treasure your heart
and treasure your mind
and never
let them go.

i wish i could say
the dead roses
sitting in my bedroom
aren't still there
because they remind me
of the love we had
once upon a time.

i wish i could say
the love letter
folded in my bible
hasn't been read
in months.

i wish i could say
the polaroid i used to have
taped on my wall
is now a crumbled ball
at the bottom of my trashcan.

i wish i could say
the socks you bought me
for my birthday
were donated to goodwill.

i wish i could say
my heart doesn't bleed for you
whenever i see you
with her.

i wish i could say
our song doesn't
send tears
racing down my cheeks.

but i would be lying.

it's been
one year
since you
dumped me
and i
didn't think
i would
make it
another day
but here
i am
one year
later and
i have
never felt
more free.

HE planted a garden of roses on my heart.
they began to grow over time, the stems weaving through my ribcage, the thorns pricking at my lungs.
i ignored the drops of blood, because everything was so beautiful to look at.
then the day came when HE decided the garden wasn’t beautiful enough.
HE plucked a rose from my garden, our garden, and gave it to HER.
the emptiness inside me mirrored the wilted flowers from my garden, our garden.
all that was left were the gashes on my lungs from the thorns.
i tried watering the roses everyday, clinging to the hope that maybe the garden could be revived.
my garden, our garden.
but it was useless, because the roses were too far gone.
it’s so heartbreaking to know that the roses, once full and red, are now so dried and brown.
i keep one of the dead petals in a journal of mine, pressed between pages with graphite marking of our love.
it hurts to look at it, because i put everything i had into that garden, only for HIM to give a rose to HER, a rose from my garden, our garden.
our ******* garden.
i can’t breathe anymore, not with all these holes in my lungs.
please come back.
we can start new, plant a new garden.
just come back.

i am having
this outburst
of emotion
and i can't just
keep it all
inside
i've got to
put the pen to paper
and watch the ink
do the work
i can't
keep this in
any longer
i'll burst
at the seams
i used to think
it was easier
for everybody
to just
bottle it up
bottle it up
bottle it up
but i can't
anymore
i have
to say it
scream it
sing it
write it
until i'm
empty
and this all
seems like
nonsense
just a poem
of words carelessly
strung together
but that's
the best kind
it's raw
it's rough
it's real
it's refreshing
i need to let
it
out
because i can't
bottle it up
bottle it up
bottle it up
not anymore

she

is a beautiful girl

with a big,

bright,

beautiful personality,

and a heart

so full

of love for

others

that there

is no room

left for

herself.

at all

of the

football games,

she cheers

on the team,

but can't

cheer on

herself.

she keeps

a blade

hidden in

her

poetry notebook,

and tries to

bleed out

all of

her problems.

it breaks my

heart

knowing all this,

and yet

i do

nothing.

whenever she

is absent from

school.

i

can't help

but think of

terrible, sad

thoughts,

because maybe

her depression

has pushed her

over

the

edge.

this beautiful girl

thinks so

poorly of

herself,

and it honestly

breaks

my heart,

because she

doesn't know just

how amazing she

is.

she has a

beautiful voice,

and writes

beautiful

(but sad)

poetry.

i

just feel so

useless

because there's

nothing

i

can do

to help

her.

but i

would

take away

her

rain clouds

so that she

may

experience

endless

blue

skies.

sometimes i wish
that i could hold up a mirror
to your face
so that you could see
the truth.
i want you to know
just how
you make me feel.
you know the feeling
you get on a roller coaster?
when it's going down
the biggest hill
and your stomach
drops?
i feel that too.
in my heart.
and instead of making me laugh
and throw my hands in the air,
it makes me fall to my knees,
gasping for air,
screaming for help.
i wish you could see that.
i wish you could see
the you that i see.
the you that
causes me pain
and heartbreak.
sometimes i wish
that i could hold up a mirror
to your face
so that you could see
the truth.

i remember
when i was younger
i asked my mother
why the ocean was salty.
she told me
it's because
the fish in the sea
shed tears everyday
for the loss
of their fish mothers.
i always felt sorry
for those fish
who cried enough tears
to flood seventy one
percent of the earth.
now i am
a longing fish,
drowning
in my own
saltwater tears
for the loss
of my mother.
she left me
behind,
alone with the
giant school of fish.
there are so
many fish in the sea
and yet
i only need one
but she doesn't
need me.

god i'm such
a ***** up
i can't do
anything right
everything i touch
turns to ****
and i can't
do this anymore
i can't keep
ruining everything
for everyone
just leave me alone
forget about me
i'll only hurt you
i'll only disappoint you
i'll only make things worse
and i can't keep doing that
not to you
and not to myself
i can't live with myself
it's too much to handle
you can easily
rid yourself of me
but how can i rid
myself of me

i knew
you were dating
so why did i
start to cry
when i saw
the picture
on her instagram?

there are things
i keep buried
underneath my skin.
things claw their way
out of my throat,
tearing through my flesh,
sending scarlet drops
of blood
trickling down
my delicate neck,
but i choke it down
no matter
how painful.
the words,
no matter how
badly i wish,
can never escape
from my mouth.
i don't want people
to look at me
and see stains
on my skin
and think
that is who
i truly am.
it is not.
i made a mistake
one that,
if i had the chance,
i would undo it
in a heartbeat,
but i can't undo it,
instead i must
relive it.
everyday when i open
my tired eyes
i see the whole
event replaying before me
and i try squeezing
my eyes shut,
blocking out the
sight of skin,
but i can't.
i try covering
my eyes,
blocking out
the sound of
moans and cries,
but i can't.
that is the part
of the book
where i can't just
tear out the page
and make the event
disappear
no matter
how many
dandelions
and shooting stars
and wishing wells
and 11:11s
i wish on.

each step she took
was quicker than the last.
each tear that fell
was sooner than the last.
each breath she took
was harder than the last.
his crude words were
swirling around her
like a blizzard,
freezing whatever love
was left in her heart.
“i don’t love you,”
he said plainly.
“not anymore.”
how could she have been so
stupid, naive, careless
to actually believe
that somebody could
love her?
before,
she was cracking.
still alive inside.
broken, but breathing.
now,
she’s shattered beyond repair.
she doesn’t want to
breathe anymore.
she doesn’t want to
be alive anymore.
she walked the
dark, empty streets,
lost.
“are you ok?”
she looked at
the person standing
in front of her.
was she ok?
no.
she was shattered.
before,
she was cracking.
still alive inside.
broken, but breathing.
now,
she’s shattered beyond repair.
she doesn’t want to
breathe anymore.
she doesn’t want to
be alive anymore.
she looked at the man.
“what’s the point
of living?”
he reached out
and squeezed her hand.
“maybe you’ll figure
that out if you live,”
he said simply.
little did he know
that he just saved
her life.

i just want
to be loved
in the most
simple way.
i want somebody
who will
send me
goodnight
and good morning texts.
somebody who
kisses me
on the forehead.
somebody who
lends me
their sweatshirt
when i am cold.
somebody who calls
to check in
on me
during thunderstorms
because they know
i get scared.
somebody who
whispers i love you.
i just want somebody.

i don't
love you.
i love
the way
you make me
feel.
and i know
that is wrong.
i know
i am
leading you on.
i know
i've written
poem
after poem
about being
led on
and how
it hurts
so **** badly
to give somebody
your all
but get
nothing back
in return
and i'm sorry
i'm sorry
i'm so **** sorry
please don't
hate me.

you look at me
and you praise me
for being
so strong.
you don't know
how weak
i truly am.
in the confines
of my bedroom
the floors
are flooded
with my saltwater tears
and the razor blade
glistens at me
from across
the room,
taunting me
to draw my blood
on my wrists,
and the screams
in my head
bring me
to my knees
and i can't
i can't
i can't do this
anymore.
but you keep
hanging these metals
around my neck
and they're
so
****
heavy.
i'm not strong
i'm weak
i'm weak
i'm weak
so
****
weak

he told me
i am like
summer.
when i
was here
nobody even
acknowledged
my presence.
they took
advantage of me.
but once
i left,
once i
was gone,
they all missed me
and everything
i had
to offer.

And when you cried.
Oh when you started to cry.
I felt something inside of me
Drop to the pit of my stomach
Because I had failed you.
I had failed to lift your problems
Off of your shoulders.
I had failed
At making you happy.
And so as you cried
I caught each teardrop
In my hands
And counted each one
And stored them in a jar.

The sun
Continues
To rise.
A never ending cycle
Of necessary glow.
And when I look at you,
I see that same glow
In your eyes.
The same consistent glow
In shades of yellow and orange.
And if one day,
I awoke and the glow
Was anything but present,
I'd look to the moon
And ask where it went.
And if the moon
Did not have an answer,
I'd look to the stars.
And if each and every star
Did not have an answer,
I'd know the glow
Has been extinguished.
I could not
Be mad at you.
For I know
That although the glow
Is what we've all expected
It can never be permanent.

YOU are like
the ocean.
beautiful
and sparkly
and deceitful.
the sunlight
reflects off
the waves,
a glistening shimmer
blinding eyes
from the truth.
what lurks
beneath the blue
is what truly
hurts.
nothing is
what it seems.
they say
don't judge
a book
by it's cover
because looks
can be
deceiving.
be cautious
of the
roaring waves
because once
you get
pulled under
it's nearly impossible
to get back
to shore.

wilted roses.
ripped polaroids.
crying eyes.
broken hearts.
one night stands.
slammed doors.
angry words.
ugly bruises.
paragraph texts.
empty voicemails.
lonely nights.

i am tired
of feeling this way.
tired of feeling like
every breath,
every move,
every thought
is irrelevant.
tired of feeling like
i don't matter,
like i'm not needed,
like all i do
is ruin things.
have you ever heard
the story
where everything he touched
turned to gold?
well it seems like
everything i touch
turns to waste,
unwanted.
my mind.
my mind won't let me
sleep at night,
screaming at me
the things that
i regret,
the things that make me feel
so guilty,
so ashamed.
i never meant
for those things to happen,
but they did,
and it's dragging me down,
i'm kicking and screaming,
trying to break free,
but i can't.
it's too hard
and i'm growing weak,
barely breathing,
barely living,
just a shadow
of who i used to be.
i want to be
alive again.
i want to feel again.

i am
a butterfly
with torn
tattered wings
but i will
never stop
trying to fly.

truth is not
just black
and white.
it is gray.
it is the
in between
of light
and dark.
the blurry piece
in the middle.
it can be
hard to spot.
ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.
as humans
we choose
to believe
what we want.
and sometimes
what we want
to believe
is not true.
deep down inside
we know
we are walking
ourselves into an
entangling trap,
yet we don't
stop ourselves.
why?
because ironically
the dark
is more blinding
than the light.

she was never
the type of person
to gift me things.
Christmases
and birthdays
were just a sad reminder
of that.
i always have hope
that this year
will be the year.
so when the day came
that she spontaneously
gave me a bottle
of dollar store
vanilla brown sugar perfume,
i nearly cried.
this little gift
that meant nothing to her
meant everything to me.
it meant she knew
that vanilla was my
favorite scent.
it meant she knew
that the perfume
my aunt had given me
for christmas had run out.
it meant that
deep down
she cares about me.
whenever i smell
the scent of vanilla
i will close my eyes
and think
of that perfume,
mom.

i saw it.
in my head
i saw my mother
wrapping her arms
around me
in a loving embrace.
this vision
given to me
by the God
who loves
showing me
that it is not
over.
the fight
will be won
if i just
keep
pushing
on.