blonde hair.
blue eyes.
thin body.
designer clothes.
popularity contest.
matter over mind
over matter
over mind.
prom queen.
cheerleading captain.
top of the social ladder.
perfect.

depression.
anxiety.
lies.
secrets.
fake smile.
makeup.
insecurities.
tears.
eating disorder.
masks.
heartbreak.
sadness.
insecurities.
insecurities.­
insecurities.
insecurities.

and YOU watched

me as i looked

so small

standing

under

the twinkling night

sky

catching shooting

stars on my

toungue,

wishing

that this

night

would

go on

forever

like the endless diamond

sky

that YOU

kissed

me under,

the moonlight

casting a faint

glow

on YOUR breathtaking

face

as YOU

promised

to love me

forever,

the same

moonlight

illuminating

a trail of

tears

sliding

down my

cheeks

as YOU

break

that promise,

break

my heart.

YOU

told me

YOU

would give me

a star

to wear

on my left

finger,

and that

i had a

smile brighter

and more beautiful

than

saturn's rings,

and now i

watch

YOU walk away,

leaving me

alone

under

our moon.

YOU told me

i was YOUR

everything,

and now

i am

merely

another star

in YOUR

ever expanding

galaxy.

how easy was it
to walk away?
did you walk out
with your heavy heart
weighing you down
or did you run out
skipping?
why did you
have to go?
why did you think
the only option left
was to simply
pack you bags
and leave?
it hurts.
it hurts a lot
knowing
that you gave up on me.
gave up on us.
i don't think
i have cried
so many tears
in my sixteen years
of existence.
but if you came back
i would welcome you in
with open arms.
we can start new.
i can refill your heart
with the love
you lost when you
walked out.
but answer me
one thing:
how easy was it
to walk away
mom?

i wanted to capture that moment in time
like a black and white moving polaroid,
complete with sounds
and smells
and feelings.
i wanted to hang it
on my bedroom wall
and revisit it whenever
i felt lonely
or sad.
i wanted to reach through
the photo paper
and jump back in
and relive the moment
where i was most happy.
but i can't do that.
you are gone.
you have been gone
for so long now
and nothing can take away
the longing in my heart.
you are gone.

i remember
when i was younger
i asked my mother
why the ocean was salty.
she told me
it's because
the fish in the sea
shed tears everyday
for the loss
of their fish mothers.
i always felt sorry
for those fish
who cried enough tears
to flood seventy one
percent of the earth.
now i am
a longing fish,
drowning
in my own
saltwater tears
for the loss
of my mother.
she left me
behind,
alone with the
giant school of fish.
there are so
many fish in the sea
and yet
i only need one
but she doesn't
need me.

my heart feels so heavy
weighed down by loneliness
why don't you love me
i did everything right
i did things
i didn't want to do
just so that i could
please you
what will it take
to stitch up the gashes
on my heart
that you cut open
i don't understand
i tried being your everything
but clearly i wasn't enough
because you left me
for her
i shattered my ribcage
when i let you in
but i ignored the pain
because i thought
you were all that i wanted
and that pain was a part
of loving someone
but i was wrong
oh how i was wrong
you made me feel so beautiful
yet so ugly
so perfect
yet so imperfect
so loved
yet so unloved
but still to me
you are beautiful
perfect
and loved
when will i reach that with you
or will i never
be able to obtain
you heart

these hollow bones
don't feel the pain
your merciless hands
always seem to convey.
i see the scars
and welts
and bruises
but the stars
in my eyes
shine brighter
than the warning lights
flashing in the distance.
no matter
how many tears
i catch in this jar
it'll never open my eyes
to the love
that's drifted afar.
and every time
i feel your bittersweet kiss
i can't resist
because the way
you make me feel inside
is stronger than
the physical pain
hidden behind
these sunken eyes.

i can't stop
craving the feeling
of your lips on mine.
our tongues
passionately dancing
to an ****** melody.
i want to feel you
between my thighs,
a painful pleasure
that can't be replaced.
i want you
i want you
i want you
and yet i can't have you
because we can never
get alone.
i just want
to rest my head
on your chest
and listen to
your heartbreat
keeping time with mine.
i want to leave
a trail of kisses
from your jaw
to your stomach.
i want you to
want me.
i want you
to satisfy
the deepest desires
of my heart.
i want you
to whisper in my ear
all the things
i've been dying to hear.
i want you
i want you
i want you.
i need you.

"you look
like hell,"
he said,
the cigarette dangling
from his tanned fingers.
"you are hell,"
i whispered back,
my voice shaking
like the earthquake
that destroyed mexico.
the cigarette slipped
from his fingers
and fell to
the ground.
i quickly
crushed it with
the toe
of my boot,
looking up
at him
with challenging eyes.
"i gave you
everything,"
he growled,
his fists
clenched at his sides.
"you gave me
more bad
than good,"
i said,
and with that
received one of those
fists
at my nose.
i fell to
the floor,
blood pouring out
and gathering
in a puddle
by my face.
i lay there,
a motionless lump,
tears streaming
down my cheeks
as i am
kicked,
punched,
screamed at,
spat at.
there are chunks
of hair missing
from where he
ripped them
from my head.
bruises
and cuts
decorate my hole body
like a disturbed
christmas tree.
"apalogize
for what you said,"
he snarled,
his foot
dangerously close
to my
already bleeding face.
"i'm so sorry,"
i whispered,
the world a shade
of black
and white.
"i didn't
mean it."
he nodded
his head
slightly.
"tell me
you love me,"
he said,
an eyebrow
raised.
"i love you,"
i whimpered,
grabbing
his outstretched hand
and wincing
in pain
as he pulled me up.
"i love you too,"
he angled
my chin up
and pressed his lips
to mine,
then pulling away
suddenly and spitting
out some blood
from my mouth
with a chuckle.
he returned to kissing me.
didn't the bible say
the devil was
deceitful?

she wore
her clothes
for the sole purpose
of not
being naked.
she didn't care
about looks.
she wore
shapeless baggy jeans
with a shapeless baggy tee
and ***** old sketchers.
and yet she was
the most
beautiful girl
to walk the halls.
her stringy brown hair
curtained her face
and it was clear
of any makeup.
she was so real.
so true.
so confident
in her own skin.
she didn't care
about the opinions
of others.
and oh
were there opinions.
they called her
ugly.
they called her
a loser.
the called her weird.
and yet
i was so
jealous of her.
of her ability
to dress however.
to never wear makeup.
to never style her hair.
to not even care
what people think.
it seems like
people dress me.
i have to wear
what they like.
i have to wear makeup.
i have to straighten
my naturally curly hair.
i have to wear
a mask.
meanwhile she wore
her clothes
for the sole purpose
of not
being naked.

wilted roses
and torn photographs.
the signs
of heartbreak
that litter the floor
of my bedroom,
the same bedroom
where we once
lay together
under a warm pink blanket,
connecting
glow-in-the-dark stars
and dreaming about
our future
of shared apartments
and Mr. and Mrs. coffee mugs.
falling asleep
to the sounds
of ed sheeran
love songs
tangled
in each other's arms.
running hands
across skin
and whispering
"i love you"
with the smell
of wine on our breath.

HE planted a garden of roses on my heart.
they began to grow over time, the stems weaving through my ribcage, the thorns pricking at my lungs.
i ignored the drops of blood, because everything was so beautiful to look at.
then the day came when HE decided the garden wasn’t beautiful enough.
HE plucked a rose from my garden, our garden, and gave it to HER.
the emptiness inside me mirrored the wilted flowers from my garden, our garden.
all that was left were the gashes on my lungs from the thorns.
i tried watering the roses everyday, clinging to the hope that maybe the garden could be revived.
my garden, our garden.
but it was useless, because the roses were too far gone.
it’s so heartbreaking to know that the roses, once full and red, are now so dried and brown.
i keep one of the dead petals in a journal of mine, pressed between pages with graphite marking of our love.
it hurts to look at it, because i put everything i had into that garden, only for HIM to give a rose to HER, a rose from my garden, our garden.
our ******* garden.
i can’t breathe anymore, not with all these holes in my lungs.
please come back.
we can start new, plant a new garden.
just come back.

my hair is naturally curly.
i straighten it
everyday.
my face is smooth
and clean.
i apply makeup to it
everyday.
my body is thin
yet curvy.
i frown in the mirror
everyday.
why do you define me
by my outward appearance?
why do you think
my face,
my hair,
and my body
are the only things
that matter?
i used to be so content
with myself.
i used to think
i was beautiful.
then society came along
and ruined that.
society came along
and told me
i wasn't good enough,
pretty enough,
skinny enough.
what about my heart?
what about the love that i lost
in an attempt to
fix myself?
what about my thoughts?
do they matter?
can't you judge me
by the content in my soul,
and the content outside of it?
am i enough now?
this empty shell
of the confident person
i used to be?
will i ever be enough?

darkness.
such an unfathomable concept.
what lingers in
the blackness remains
a mystery.
darkness.
scary,
yet beautiful.
it’s like
humans.
so many secrets
hiding in the
shadows,
insecurities
and anxiety
hidden from
view,
because out of sight
out of mind,
right?
wrong.
if somebody cares
enough,
all that’s needed
is a candle
to brighten,
all of those secrets,
now exposed,
to anybody
who just bothers
to look.
although darkness
seems like
an ever-expanding
mystery,
it’s easy
to figure out
if YOU just try.
darkness.
such an unfathomable concept,
and yet i think
i know it better
than anybody.

YOU
told me
YOU
like me,
and i couldn’t
help
but wonder
why.
why
me?
what is it
about me
that could
land
YOUR
perfect,
loving
heart,
all wrapped up
in a bright pink
ribbon
at my
doorstep.
i do not deserve
YOU
or
YOUR
love.
i have
wanted
YOU
to be mine
for the
longest
time,
and now that
YOU
are mine
for the taking,
i know i can
not have
YOU.
i sent
YOUR
heart back,
the box unopened,
and cried myself
to sleep,
because i love
YOU
so much
and yet i let
YOU
go.

the words slipped
out of his mouth
like a smooth ribbon
of silk
and i wanted
to tie them around
my neck
like a choker necklace
and wear them
for all to see.
i wanted
people to know
how he felt
about me
because i felt
beautiful
with his
choker necklace words
and i wanted
everybody
to see my beauty.
i wanted them
to touch my necklace
and ask where
i got it
and long to have one
just like it
but that necklace
is mine
and i will do everything
i can
to keep it for
myself.

sometimes i wish
that i could hold up a mirror
to your face
so that you could see
the truth.
i want you to know
just how
you make me feel.
you know the feeling
you get on a roller coaster?
when it's going down
the biggest hill
and your stomach
drops?
i feel that too.
in my heart.
and instead of making me laugh
and throw my hands in the air,
it makes me fall to my knees,
gasping for air,
screaming for help.
i wish you could see that.
i wish you could see
the you that i see.
the you that
causes me pain
and heartbreak.
sometimes i wish
that i could hold up a mirror
to your face
so that you could see
the truth.

there are worse things
than being alone.
Of course
there are worse things
than being alone.
but right now
it feels like
the only thing
that hurts.
it feels like
the lone rain cloud
pouring only over
me.
i don't have anybody
to hold an umbrella
for me.
i don't have anybody
to seek shelter in
from the storm outside.
it is so hard
to walk around life
with many people
who call themselves my friend
but aren't truly.
they would never
stand in the storm with me.
they would fend only for themselves.
i can't do this
alone anymore.
and i know
there are worse things
than being alone.

my body
is my body.
let me do
as i please.
paint a
never-ending galaxy
of stars
and planets
on my back.
write a
story of heartbreak
and sadness
on my stomach.
plant a
garden of roses
between my thighs.
ink your
name
on my *******
so that i may
always have you
near my heart.
swim in
the roaring oceans
of my mind
and pick up
stray seashells.
my body
is my body.
let me do
as i please.

And when you cried.
Oh when you started to cry.
I felt something inside of me
Drop to the pit of my stomach
Because I had failed you.
I had failed to lift your problems
Off of your shoulders.
I had failed
At making you happy.
And so as you cried
I caught each teardrop
In my hands
And counted each one
And stored them in a jar.

i went to
a store
that sold books
for very little money.
i browsed the aisles,
running my hands
across the spines
of the dusty books.
at the end
of an aisle
sat a book,
brightly colored
and eye catching.
i picked it up,
reading the title.
"this star
won't go out".
i had heard
of it before
but i never
would have thought
it would have such
an impact on my life.
this beautiful girl,
esther earl,
was diagnosed with
thyroid cancer
and died from it
when she was 16.
the book
was a collection
of her diary entries.
this beautiful dead girl
taught me more
than anybody
on this earth.
i learned
just how valuable
life truly is.
i learned
life is too short
to be unhappy.
there is always something
to smile about.
nothing,
whether it be
cancer,
depression,
anxiety,
heartbreak,
can decrease
the value
of a life.

touch me.
touch my heart.
touch my soul.
touch my body.
touch me
touch me
touch me.
fill me with your love.
fill me with your passion.
fill me with your.....
just give me your all.
give me the things that i have been craving.
and you know what i've been craving.
i don't need to whisper it seductively in your ear for you to know.
just quietly lead me to your bedroom and block the world out with your gray blanket.
our bodies are co-written poetry, the words blending together perfectly with just the right imagery and style.
i don't know why i want you so badly.
but i just can't help myself.
thinking about you makes my heart rate increase 1092 times.
nothing can satisfy my like your touch.
touch me.
touch my heart.
touch my soul.
touch my body.
touch me
touch me
touch me.

your warm hand
grips mine
as we walk down
this scenic route,
the tall oak trees
flaming with
leaves of orange fire
(they remind me
of my burning
love for you).
we dance on
the fiery streets,
my heart filling
with pumpkin spice love.
i inhale
the scent
of nutmeg
and your cologne
as you cup
my cheek
in your hand,
leaning down
to plant
a fiery kiss
on my lips.
who ever knew
that i would
fall for you?

there are things
i keep buried
underneath my skin.
things claw their way
out of my throat,
tearing through my flesh,
sending scarlet drops
of blood
trickling down
my delicate neck,
but i choke it down
no matter
how painful.
the words,
no matter how
badly i wish,
can never escape
from my mouth.
i don't want people
to look at me
and see stains
on my skin
and think
that is who
i truly am.
it is not.
i made a mistake
one that,
if i had the chance,
i would undo it
in a heartbeat,
but i can't undo it,
instead i must
relive it.
everyday when i open
my tired eyes
i see the whole
event replaying before me
and i try squeezing
my eyes shut,
blocking out the
sight of skin,
but i can't.
i try covering
my eyes,
blocking out
the sound of
moans and cries,
but i can't.
that is the part
of the book
where i can't just
tear out the page
and make the event
disappear
no matter
how many
dandelions
and shooting stars
and wishing wells
and 11:11s
i wish on.

what do you do
when your house
is not home?
when you walk
among your family
like a guest
in a hotel,
where the employees
give you
the cold shoulder
when you forget
to tip them
for their service.
their kindness
is simply a ploy,
a masquerade
so you'll come again
soon.
i don't want
to come again
soon.
i don't want
to come again
ever.
i want to fly away
to a house
that is a home,
to a place
where there is a family
who will love me,
and take me in,
and accept me.
i just want
to be home.

we sat
on the side
of the highway,
our legs dangling
over the edge.
it was 2 am,
and the glow
from your cigarette
lit up
your face.
the ash caught
in your
eyelashes
and when you
looked at me,
your eyes
were the
brightest
shade of green
i'd ever seen.
"babe,"
you mumbled,
your voice sending
shivers down
my spine.
"you look
so **** beautiful
under the stars."
i looked up
into your
green glass eyes,
and you dropped
your cigarette,
crushing it
with the toe
of your
black vans,
then tilted
my head back
and kissed me.
i tasted
the smoke
on your tongue.
you led me
into the forest
on the side
of the road,
and hidden
by the trees,
you slid off
my shirt
just as it
began to drizzle.
your fingertips
grazed
my rib cage
and you felt
my pounding heart,
so full of love.
so much love.
i gave you
my most sacred
gift that night
(love with
a capital v)
and i pray
that you'll
keep me.

each step she took
was quicker than the last.
each tear that fell
was sooner than the last.
each breath she took
was harder than the last.
his crude words were
swirling around her
like a blizzard,
freezing whatever love
was left in her heart.
“i don’t love you,”
he said plainly.
“not anymore.”
how could she have been so
stupid, naive, careless
to actually believe
that somebody could
love her?
before,
she was cracking.
still alive inside.
broken, but breathing.
now,
she’s shattered beyond repair.
she doesn’t want to
breathe anymore.
she doesn’t want to
be alive anymore.
she walked the
dark, empty streets,
lost.
“are you ok?”
she looked at
the person standing
in front of her.
was she ok?
no.
she was shattered.
before,
she was cracking.
still alive inside.
broken, but breathing.
now,
she’s shattered beyond repair.
she doesn’t want to
breathe anymore.
she doesn’t want to
be alive anymore.
she looked at the man.
“what’s the point
of living?”
he reached out
and squeezed her hand.
“maybe you’ll figure
that out if you live,”
he said simply.
little did he know
that he just saved
her life.

my thoughts: wildflowers.
i have a whole garden,
bright
and colorful,
dedicated to YOU,
and everyday,
more
and more
flowers grow
until
every
waking
moment
was spent
thinking of YOU.
i wanted
YOU
to know.
i wanted YOU
to feel the same
emotions
as me.
so i finally
worked up
the courage
to hand YOU
a bouquet
of those
wildflowers,
the stems
tied together
with
a ribbon.
i waited
with a nervous smile
and watched
as YOU
set the flowers aside
to
die.
YOU didn’t even
bother
to water
them.
now
i keep
my garden
guarded
with a
picket
fence,
and YOU
missed YOUR chance
to stop
and smell
the roses
so don’t
even try
coming back
because
i won’t let
YOU
in.

The sun
Continues
To rise.
A never ending cycle
Of necessary glow.
And when I look at you,
I see that same glow
In your eyes.
The same consistent glow
In shades of yellow and orange.
And if one day,
I awoke and the glow
Was anything but present,
I'd look to the moon
And ask where it went.
And if the moon
Did not have an answer,
I'd look to the stars.
And if each and every star
Did not have an answer,
I'd know the glow
Has been extinguished.
I could not
Be mad at you.
For I know
That although the glow
Is what we've all expected
It can never be permanent.

i don't need
a compass
to tell me
which direction
is right.
i know that
on my own.
but you need to be
broken
in order to be
rebuilt.

i am tired
of feeling this way.
tired of feeling like
every breath,
every move,
every thought
is irrelevant.
tired of feeling like
i don't matter,
like i'm not needed,
like all i do
is ruin things.
have you ever heard
the story
where everything he touched
turned to gold?
well it seems like
everything i touch
turns to waste,
unwanted.
my mind.
my mind won't let me
sleep at night,
screaming at me
the things that
i regret,
the things that make me feel
so guilty,
so ashamed.
i never meant
for those things to happen,
but they did,
and it's dragging me down,
i'm kicking and screaming,
trying to break free,
but i can't.
it's too hard
and i'm growing weak,
barely breathing,
barely living,
just a shadow
of who i used to be.
i want to be
alive again.
i want to feel again.

I am a writer.
Stringing together eloquent words
To make beautiful sounding sentences:
That is supposed to be
My calling.
And yet ask me
To put into words
The effect you have
On my heart
And I'll tell you
I
Can
Not.
There is something
about your love
That is inexplicable.
Try as I must
I can't fathom
How I landed your heart.
And although I am a writer
My words simply
are not sufficient enough.
So I will leave you with
A collage of cliches
Because there seems to be
No other way:
I love you
to the moon
And back.
You are my sunshine.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Candy is sweet
And so are you.

she was never
the type of person
to gift me things.
Christmases
and birthdays
were just a sad reminder
of that.
i always have hope
that this year
will be the year.
so when the day came
that she spontaneously
gave me a bottle
of dollar store
vanilla brown sugar perfume,
i nearly cried.
this little gift
that meant nothing to her
meant everything to me.
it meant she knew
that vanilla was my
favorite scent.
it meant she knew
that the perfume
my aunt had given me
for christmas had run out.
it meant that
deep down
she cares about me.
whenever i smell
the scent of vanilla
i will close my eyes
and think
of that perfume,
mom.

it's been
one year
since you
dumped me
and i
didn't think
i would
make it
another day
but here
i am
one year
later and
i have
never felt
more free.

i knew
you were dating
so why did i
start to cry
when i saw
the picture
on her instagram?

you gave me
an orange rose
(red ones
are too cliche)
and i pressed it
between the pages
of my bible
because i thought
it would also
preserve our love
but just like
the rose
it dried up
and turned brown
and crumbled
between my fingers
so i took
the flower dust
and locked it
in the jewelry box
you gave me
for our anniversary
but you
were already
too far gone.
i tried
tracing my finger
along the map,
trying to find you,
even just a glimpse.

i never did find you.

i found
the old jewelry box
you gave me
for our anniversary.
the one with
the crumbled
rose petals.
i opened it up
and watched
your ghost
dance around
my room.
"sorry i never called."
you told me.
"i'm dead."

i crave to be craved.
i long to be kissed
and hugged
and loved.
i miss the feeling
of being a part
of a relationship.
i miss being
one half
of a greater whole.
i want to feel
somebody's arms
around my waist.
i want to feel
his lips against mine.
i want to feel
his eyes tracing
every inch
of my body.
i want
to be loved.

my cheek
pressed against
the cold bathroom floor,
wet with
a combination
of my tears
and droplets
of wine
i stole
from the fridge.
lies from the devil
pounded against my skull,
threatening to shatter
it into a billion
tiny pieces
of regret
and despair
and shame.
i pressed
my love for you
between the pages
of my bible,
and i didn't even notice
when the petals
began to wilt.
the notes
of your symphony
began to intertwine
with hers
at the same time
your body
began to intertwine
with hers.
and when
the videos
and pictures
started flooding
in my inbox,
i couldn't breathe.
i fell to the floor
of my cold bathroom,
drowning my sorrows
in cheap wine
to forget the memories
that would haunt me forever.
i still feel
the fingers of the ghost
rake its fingers
through my hair,
and i still hear
the banshees
screaming in my ear
the words i don't want to hear.

the unthinkable.
it's unspeakable.
unimaginable.
so cold.
so heartless.
unbelievable.
unbearable.
four bullets.
one life.
one loss.
one love.
one heart broken.
she was my
soul,
and now
she is
a lost soul.
my heart,
oh how
it bleeds
for her.
it bleeds
the same
way she did.
her shoulder.
her neck.
her head.
her heart.
my heart.
she was
stolen from me
before i
could even
call her
my wife.
before we
could start
a new life
and now
there is no life.
she's now
like my father.
an innocent soul
brutally
murdered
while walking
down the street.
what now?
is life just out
to get me?
stealing the
two best friends
i have ever known.
take me instead.
but no.
that would be
too easy.

there are things
about me
people pretend
to know.
they pretend to know
the things
i love,
the things
that truly matter to me,
the things
i am passionate about.
but they fail
to know that
i am a dairy
with a heart-shaped lock,
impossible
to open
except for
a heart-shaped key
kept around my neck
on a delicate silver chain.
i have many things
kept deep inside me
for fear of
betrayal,
judgement,
exposure.
but maybe one day
i will give
a heart-shaped key
to somebody
who loves me
so that they may know
things about me.
the things
i love,
the things
that truly matter to me,
the things
i am passionate about.
but until then,
i am a diary
with a heart-shaped lock,
impossible
to open
except for
a heart-shaped key
kept around my neck
on a delicate silver chain.

the leaves
will now
begin to fall
and so will
my hope
that we
will be
together.

i lost you
to drugs
and alcohol.
you told me
you stopped.
you told me
you loved me more
then the rush
it gave you.
you lied.
you went
behind my back
and you smoked
and you drank.
you tried hiding it.
did you think
i was too naive
to notice
the smell of beer
on your breath
or the way your words
sloppily stirred together.
i told you
you had to choose.
you have to choose
between me
and that.
you didn't choose me.
i guess i just
don't give you
that feeling.
but it's ok.
i wouldn't choose
me either.

change.
six letters
with two different
points of view.
change is good.
change is bad.
change is good
is bad
is good
is bad.
it's all a matter
of perception.
how you view things.
the way you look at life.
do you see
a door bolting shut
or another door creaking open?
do you embrace the new?
or do you shudder
at the alternative.
change can be good.
change can be bad.
change can be good
can be bad
can be good
can be bad.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i don't know where this is headed.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i don't know if you love me as a friend.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i don't know if you love me as more.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i don't know anymore.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
are you leading me on only to drop me off the cliff?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
so that i hit rock bottom and shatter my heart?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
or do you love me?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
do you feel anything for me?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
even a little?
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i love you so much it hurts.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
when i'm not with you my heart is hollow.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
empty.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
broken.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
but then i see your smiling handsome face.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
and my heart is literally filled.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i feel so much so much so much
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
joy
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
peace
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
love
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
so please love me
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i think maybe you do
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
and i think maybe if you don't
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
i'll cry myself to sleep
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

wilted roses.
ripped polaroids.
crying eyes.
broken hearts.
one night stands.
slammed doors.
angry words.
ugly bruises.
paragraph texts.
empty voicemails.
lonely nights.

there is
a box
where i keep
my feelings.
there is
a lock
that keeps
the box
shut
and a key
that i wear
on a chain
around my neck.
that box
will stay
locked tight
because my feelings
don't get me anywhere
but hell.
i'm so tired
of giving
my all
only to lose
a piece of myself
in the process.
i don't want to
lose anything else.
i don't have
anything else
to lose.
i have already
lost myself.

i am just a girl.
a girl who
is not perfect.
a girl who
trips
and falls
and makes mistake
after mistake.
a girl who
pushes herself
too hard
and hates herself
when she fails.
she does not see
the good,
rather the bad.
she tries
to please everybody
but she can't
please herself.
a girl who
has such strong
insecurities
and can't find good
in herself
but she can find good
in others.
i am just a girl.
a girl who
wishes
upon stars that
one day
things will be better for her.
a girl who
is slowly
losing hope.

you are like a pool
on a hot summer day.
so refreshing
and exciting.
but there is always
that small part of me
that is scared of drowning.
and although you seem all good,
i've come so close to drowning
so many times,
and i'm scared
that one day
i will dive in
and i won't come back up.

10:15
you said
you don't want
a relationship
right now
but were you
reminding me
or yourself?
10:36
do you ever
look at your phone
and smile
to yourself
when my name
pops up
on your screen?
don't i ever
cross your mind
when it's 11:00
and you're driving
alone,
the moonlight
casting a glow
on the
empty passenger seat?
11:11
are you
closing your eyes
and wishing
that thoughts of you
are on my mind?
12:47
of course
not.
1:03
who would?

i just want
to be loved
in the most
simple way.
i want somebody
who will
send me
goodnight
and good morning texts.
somebody who
kisses me
on the forehead.
somebody who
lends me
their sweatshirt
when i am cold.
somebody who calls
to check in
on me
during thunderstorms
because they know
i get scared.
somebody who
whispers i love you.
i just want somebody.