i hope my shadow follows you through the rooms of your house
i hope my perfume lingers in your bedsheets and my naked body lingers in your mind
i hope that when you look at your backyard, that all you can see is the red hammock that we broke
and we laughed and laughed
i hope you sit in your living room and remember when i counted the fourteen fake candles. i hope you count them and find fourteen and remember when we kissed on the floor
i hope that blonde hairs litter your possessions. i hope that you find them on your clothes, in your car, in your room, for months after i've left
i don't want to be so easy to get rid of.
i hope my voice has stained all your family photos so that all you can see when you look at them is how cute i thought you were
i hope that the sight of your empty passenger seat physically pains you and i hope that every day you feel as if something important is missing
and i hope that that something important is me  
i hope your lips burn bitter with my aftertaste and your hands grow lonely just like your friday nights without me

i want you to miss me
even if you won't

Another one
gone
by the monster that lives
inside of their heads

men, women, children, teenagers
drowning in their thoughts
with no way to escape
their hearts breaking more and more
each day

the tunnel they are in
has no light at the end
so they think
that they'll never escape their troubles
no escape from their demons
that things will never look up from here

the people who are the strongest are the weakest
they help everyone but themselves
too modest to accept help from anyone
when they may need it the most

the only way out
they think
is death
that'll fix everything
all of their problems will be gone for good

they're too broken to realize that
suicide is not the answer to their problems
it takes them away, sure
but it prevents things from ever getting better

There is so much left unsaid on my part
and I'd like to think
there are things you have left unsaid
because you are scared
or don't know how to bring them up

but that worries me
because you aren't usually scared
and there probably isn't anything at all
and you've probably said all that you've wanted to say

you're not a thinker like I am
you don't keep your feelings bottled up
you've been completely honest with me
probably
and I haven't always opened up to you like I'd like to
and maybe that's okay
and maybe it's not
and it probably isn't okay

because if it were
I wouldn't have this longing
this lingering
to spill my guts out to you
for you to clean up
for you to lend a shoulder
for me to cry on
for you to pick me up
when I've fallen

and when I fell
you didn't notice
you didn't seem to care
because she was in your focus
and I was in your peripherals

I thought I won
because in a way
he's still mine.

Though it was never a competition for you
because him and me
aren't a thing
and probably never will be.

You've seemed to move on
you have a boyfriend now
but I think he still wants you
I think he still loves you
and that rips my heart out

he hasn't seemed to have moved on
still has your pictures on his wall
next to mine

and it crushes me
to think your memories with him
still reside in his room
still reside in his mind
still reside in his heart

constant reminders of you
are everywhere
and he's not getting rid of you

but you wrecked him
you demolished him
and I was there to pick up the pieces
yet he still loves you

but I don't
because you hurt him so deeply
but he's gotten over that, it seems
and he's a broken person
has been since I've known him
and he gets better every day

but you unglued all of those pieces
that I helped mend back together
and you didn't care that you hurt him
but I did.

and I thought you were out of the picture for good
but that wasn't the truth
because you were still there
you are still here
and you will be until he finally says
goodbye

I hate how dependent
I am on you
that a text from you will dictate
how well my day will be

how happy or sad
I'll be that day

you're the thing
that's keeping me stitched together
but somehow
you're also the thing
that is ripping me apart

and I long for the day
that won't be my reality anymore

but that also terrifies me
because that means you've moved on
and that I have also

I've come to realize
when he's choosing
it'll always be you
and if it's not you
it'll be her
or her
or her
but never me

and I wish for once
he'd at least consider it
like I have considered him

every

single

day

since I've known him

and though it's just friendship between us
that's better in the end
because there's no breaking up or jealous hearts

well,
maybe not entirely.

and maybe I just liked the attention you gave me
and I didn't actually like you that way
and for that I apologize
to myself
because I drove my heart to conclusions
that would never happen
my imagination ran wild with what ifs
and asking myself if those things that happened
had any meaning at all