Today my face shattered.

Every fleck of skin
A memory,
I am an intricate collage  
Of our time together.

Every part of my body
Exploded,
I am just a trillion
Tiny pieces
Floating around the room.

There isn’t a part of me
That you didn’t know,
Didn’t touch.

I can’t find anywhere in me
That you didn’t invade.

The private comforts
And hidden parts
Of my body,
Tea, pens, candles, antiques, beer, work gloves, socks, and scarves,
They all have memories of you there.
I can’t enjoy the things
That make me feel happy
Without feeling you hiding there.

Today I shattered,
And every microscopic piece
Shivering in the sunlight
You touched.

“Emotions make people interesting.”

That made my world stop
Spinning.

I’ve controlled all I am
My whole life.

It’s been an internal monologue,
Don’t say too much,
Don’t laugh too much,
Don’t hurt too much,
Don’t let anyone completely in,
Don’t be vulnerable,
Don’t cry,
Don’t get too excited,
Don’t be angry.

Someone
Who
Could be okay with me
Being too much?
How?

I never thought
I’d be the girl to choose,
But here you are
Each begging I choose you.
But I choose me
Always.

He feels like water,
Running up and down my body,
No pause without purpose,
No movement without meaning.
He feels like
I was dropped
Into a pool
Of pleasure,
And he’s enveloping me.

Ed,
Eddie,
Wants to fall in love.
He has plants in his kitchen.
He keeps a washcloth
On his bathroom sink
On it rests his comb,
His toothbrush,
And toothpaste,
All in a neat row.
He takes me to the lake
To look out at the water,
Because he knows
It makes me feel like I’m home.

Rob,
Wants to conquer
And tame me.
He wants
To be the one I choose
Just to win.
He kisses me
At midnight in the rain
Out in the dark
On a hidden sidewalk,
Slips his hand
Down the front of my *******
And plays with my ****.
He says it’s the danger
Of being caught.

James,
Stone,
Jamie,
Wants to sleep with me,
But also doesn’t want
To feel guilty.
So he hides my messages
From his partner
And assures me
She knows he’s polyamorous.

Me?
What do I want?
What do I need?
Peace.
Peace I won’t find
In any of them,
Only myself.
But I have to fight battle,
After battle,
To get there.
So exhausted,
I retreat into their distraction,
And I warn them all,
Of each other’s existence,
And that I don’t want anything real.

But I sing to Eddie,
As I lay on his chest.
I listen to Rob,
As I hold him in my bed.
I nurture James,
Help him cultivate his individuality.
So they think
Maybe they’re important.
And really,
They are.
I can’t help but have them be.

But I can’t handle important right now.

I can’t find comfort
In the thought of being squeezed
Into something I’m not
Again.
I won’t allow myself
To be contorted
Into a shape
That fits their desires.

Eddie wants
To fall in love.

Rob wants
To win me.

James wants
To have release.

And I...
I just want
To find me.