Regrets fill my spoon like alphabet soup
spelling out my unfulfillment
with tiny little letters
nagging at my mind

And conflicts own me
except there’s no angel and devil
it’s just lesser evil versus lesser evil
No winner- I’m pulled apart

What if I say this
no- I can’t- too risky
but then I’m miserable
is it better to be miserable?

my daily thoughts
when it didn’t use to be
Tears are more common
than going out to eat

I am ashamed
and also ashamed I feel ashamed
I don’t want to be fragile
but I let myself fall into a crater

And people see it on my face
and I see it in the mirror
the way I once was
all entangled now in another

we don’t choose to fall
that’s the point of falling
it comes out of the blue
after you’re tripped up

And then the hurting comes
always after- like a scraped knee
and they say time will heal it
but how does that work when you keep tripping

a spinning cycle of get hurt, feel bad, tell someone, feel bad
goes on repeat, load never unloaded off my chest
The worst part is letting the hope build up
and getting let down, time and time again

Why? out into the oblivion
we ask ourselves
and How? do we keep moving
when the daily routine feels heavy

I thought my Achilles Heel was the fatal flaw
but really it's my heart, the hope, the love
when conflicts dance around
the only thing to do is write about it

I say "I don't mind" a lot.
"I'm fine" and
"It's alright"
practically overload my vocabulary.
But I do mind
and I'm not fine
and it's not alright
I don't want to keep those words in my vocabulary.
Though how am I supposed
to stop lying little lies?
I catch myself telling them
but I can't hold them in.
My words protect me
from confronting the truth
Simple truths like "You know what, I do mind"
and "I'm not feeling well"
and "I don't think that's right"
should be easier to tell.
But I'm a storm on the inside
The hopes and dreams
and wishes crash around
twisting and turning with
the fears and the doubts
and the depression
I can't stop it
it keeps building up!
.........until I've had all I can take
and it's another day
staying home "sick"
when I could be out living life.
What am I doing?
I ask this question everyday
and all I get are more lies.
But these lies hurt more
because they're to myself
and the truths are easier to tell
but also easier to ignore
and at the end of the day
all that's left
is one girl telling one boy
the most known lie in the book
and him walking away believing it.
"I'm fine".
Are you serious?!
You're walking away on that?
It practically begs for more attention
I am begging for more
more questions, more caring,
more thought and less gullibleness.
But you...
And I could yell or scream
or be disappointed
but really I have no right
for it is me who can't stop saying
"I don't mind" and "I'm fine"
and "It's alright".
It's me who can't stop
lying the little lies.
It's me who's not fine.

'but suddenly, you're 30 and blasting the songs that you wanted to die to when you were 15.'

They said you'd never make
it unless you followed in the
footsteps of your family, because
that was safe; that was
secure. They always assumed
because of this or that; believed
not just in stereotypes, but
in the principle of enforcing
them. They waited for a
chance to say, “Ha! I just knew they
would end up that way”


But they pretended what they
did was more than simply just an
excuse to hate on others for
something you couldn’t control. Sure,
it wasn't all hate. Some of them
didn't even realise the repercussions
their actions would take, but
it didn’t matter. The words
still stung, and their voice still
echoed in your head. You were left
thinking, “What did I do to
deserve this?” They never
stopped saying and
assuming and believing, and
I don't think they ever will.

It's funny that I can sit here and say
that my life is something, when I was lazy today.
I stayed inside, watched a movie or two
Cried my eyes out, feeling rather blue.
But after it was over, reality came back
and I realized that I... hadn't done jack.
Sure, I had felt, I had feared, I had wished,
I had procrastinated, and stuck up my fist.
In today's world, however, what does it mean
if you're not an athlete or mathlete; you're just unseen
Unseen because you have blocked yourself completely out
from the world, from danger, from the coming drought
of people who  actually cared about others
and not just their next Friday night lovers.
Can I call myself accomplished at  high
when all I've done is weasel my way by?
Using the bare minimum of my brain power.
Waisting little energy staying up for hours.
I've been lazy.
I AM lazy.
But should that validate anything I've done?
Should I waste away a life that's only just begun?
Or should I stop being lazy, here and today,
turn off the device, take a look around at... May?
That's the month, isn't it so?
I can't remember, do you even know?
I have been stuck in a grave mindset
that blocks out every responsibility or threat;
but I think I should awake
and see the world for it's mistakes
yet still embrace it 's wit
and never ever never quit.
I'm lazy, yes, but I can make my life something.
Because after all, we all started as nothing.