I'm thirteen years old again. Sitting in the doctors office answering the question, "have you ever thought about committing suicide?" That questions hard for me. I've thought about dying. never doing the act myself. If I was hit by a car tomorrow never waking up, I would be ok with that. The doctor ended up telling my mom I should probably talk to someone. Crushing the "perfect family, my kids are flawless" picture she wanted a second opinion. Two years went by before I got that second opinion. In those two years I cut I stopped I cut I stopped. Doctor number 2 told my mom I should talk to someone, before I hurt myself. Doctor I'm 15 years old now a freshman in high school I've been talking to someone yet I still hurt myself. No one knows! I do the walk of shame, wearing sweatshirts and long sleeves in the summer. My answer to "why" was always, "I guess I'm just cold." My mom read my poem once it mentioned cutting. When she asked me I said no, she believed me. See I was scared my mom was going to lock me up in a psych ward. Tell everyone I was in boarding school, forgetting all about the ******* child who couldn't do anything right! I'm 18 years old now, I haven't cut in 3 years. I talked to the old me today, I thanked her for letting me live. But where were you, when you found out your child was imperfect?

I use to believe in God, that was until December 23. I now question my faith because of you. You left me on route one in Norwalk Connecticut scared and alone I didn't even know you left. The alcohol consumption that night was a little too high for someone to be walking home at midnight. Merry Christmas to everyone who had to realize that they're shining star died out . My shining stars light died yet for five months I thought it was still burning. You destroyed me, the words I forgive you will never roll off my tongue  being honest towards you. If I could take a trip to heaven I promise you would be sitting there with the dining table a fork and a big smile on your face. Number 41 I hate you. I hate you for leaving me on route one I hate you for making me believe I would see you soon. Yet I still love you, you're the only big brother I've ever actually had. Do you only person who ever told me I believe in you having me believe you. I love you I miss you I hope to see you soon, just not too soon okay? I will always miss you, until the day I die your smile be in the back of my head. I watch football because of you. Number 41 on the matter what team always be my favorite player. Have ever told you that I love you?

I've never lied to you before, so I promise you I won't start now. You and I, we're one of the same. Human beings, creatures that have feelings, people. I looked you in the eyes once saying, "you deserve the best". It's only taken me 17 years of my life, a year and a half of knowing you to realize I deserve the best too. See you and I, we have different best, our best is what we think we deserve. My best is someone holding my hand, leaving flowers at my doorstep, calling me asking me how my day was. My best is a friendship type of love. My best is monogamy. My best is not you. Darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, baby, boo your best is a white trash ***. Your best is getting cheated on day after day, your best is the lies. Your best is a fourteen year old who can't keep her legs close. Your best is getting pressured to have *** then winding up behind bars. Everyday I am thankful you told me we would never work out. We could never work because I am a 17 year old ****** and proud. Because I love myself more than I love the thought of being in love. Because I would never throw you away just to prove that I can. I will never be a girl who settles for anything of than the best because you taught me not to.

I want to hate you, for destroying my life hurting me on the inside, and sometimes outside. For making someone I care about sick, giving her an illness that will haunt her the rest of her life. All due to the fact that you don’t know how to respect women. I can’t hate you though, only for the reason that you brought me and her closer together giving us a bond no one else will ever have. I only have five words for you, “I hope you suffer forever”. Slapping you across the face etching those words into your skin never fading showing the world who you really are. Late at night when you’re holding her in your arms do you think of the two of us? The two girls you left scarred both emotionally one physically. Do you think of the three words you left me with after three years of being together, “I’m gone, bye”? You slip my mind until I say things like “bad news bear” or “sorry not sorry”. Your four year old vocabulary stuck in my mind making me someone I don’t want to be. Illiterate, ignorant, immature, and you. If I could I would blow up the necklace you gave me, rip up the card watching it burn. I already got rid of those, putting them in a box with a stamp sending them back to you with a note saying, “I don’t want to remember you”. Yet those pictures I took when we were video chatting while you were in another girls bed are still on my phone. I want you gone, not just physically or emotionally but also mentally. I want someone to fry my brain so the last three years are all just a big blur. I remember it perfectly the day we first talked I messaged you on facebook apologizing for your girlfriend breaking up with you. We talked on the phone from noon to nine, you cried over her. That wasn’t the only time you cried over another girl to me. We were dating for 2 months you called me crying missing the same girl saying you love her, miss her wanting her back. I put the phone down doing what you normally do, I played a little xbox. Pretending every alien I killed was you, that’s all I wanted to do, go to your house and **** you. Making it so I never had to hear my boyfriend cry over another girl unless it was his mother. Excuse me for not wanting to be your best friend, excuse me for wanting to hate you, excuse me for wanting to **** you. I would have whispered you stardust, if only you had given me the chance.

A box, that’s all I was left with when I was seven. A box of trouble, pain that haunts me in my sleep waking me up gasping for air. Daddy come back, come back to the house of yesterday where the grass is green, the sky the most perfect shade of blue. Daddy I miss you, I’m stuck here wondering what I did wrong to make you run away. Daddy where are you? My fist are red from bleeding, raw, from beating myself down. My head has open wounds from pounding it against these clean white walls hoping. praying to God they fall down, bringing you back to me. We grew up without a dad, he was somewhere else, too busy for us. Daddy, when are you coming home, do you miss me at all? Daddy you came back, you’re not really here though. You being gone changed you somehow. Look at me! Do you recognize me?Can you remember all of the things we use to do? Do you only remember the bombs, guns, and violence you’ve been around for the last two years? I’m sorry you had to be around that Daddy, even more sorry I lost you in the process. I’m no longer the little girl you thought I would be. I grew up fighting to survive, not being able to trust anyone. I get in trouble and cuss when I get mad. I’m sorry Daddy, please don’t be disappointed. I’m sixteen now, still haunted by those nightmares of you leaving. The box is the same nine years later, in the dream you’re leaving again. You promise me it’ll only be for a little. Daddy I’ve lived this nightmare before and we know it will be awhile before I can hug you again! Dear Mr. President, bring my father home, end this war. All it’s done is tear families apart, ruining the lives of the little ones growing up in the middle of it. I hate you, I hate you for everything you’ve put me through! I’ll never want to travel to Iraq, they knocked down our towers making you leave! They’re the reason I don’t have my Daddy anymore. So forget everything you do to make it so I can sleep peacefully at night! You may have brought his body back in one piece, but, his mind has never been the same since that deployment nine years ago.

Can someone please tell me why we fall in love? I’m scared of heights I don’t wanna fall no more. Every time I look in those dark brown eyes I fall a little more. Cloud nines suppose to pick you up to the sky give you that good feeling, not let you fall. Falling is scary as hell I don’t want to do it! You make me have feelings I don’t want to have, you over there, you’re beautiful. Can you please leave, I don’t want to fall for you too. All these twelve year olds walking around holding their girlfriends hands saying I love you, NO  YOU DON’T! You don’t know what love is until you’re brought up to the highest point being dropped full heartedly face first, you’re dead. Love kills, somebody please point out a book where love exists without someone getting hurt. Where the best friend doesn’t fall in love with my boyfriend. Where a husband doesn’t cheat on his wife with her sister. Love kills! I can look you in the eye sayin I think I was in love once, only with the wrong guy. There is no right guy, my mommas 51 been married three times never found, the right guy. My dad hasn’t found the right girl either, she doesn’t exist. Human beings weren’t suppose to last, that is why humanity is dead. Look around! When was the last time you did a generous act without thinking you were going to get something in return, humanity is dead! Love kills, humanity is dead, this world is going to blow up, guess what, I won’t miss it anymore! Do you think you could be in love with someone who doesn’t support equality, who is racist, sexist, or doesn’t believe in the same God as you? Do you think you could love someone who has killed a man, believes in an eye for an eye, or thinks a man should be able to tell a woman what to do with her body? You sir, in the front row, could you love a stripper or a *******, a woman who sold her body over to take care of her child? Ma’am in the back row, could you love someone who spends their very last cent on alcohol or drugs? This is the group of people you have to choose from. There is no more color, it’s black or white, day or night. Noon is just a part of history, dear historians put noon in your books. Humanity is dead, love kills.

It’s like I’m a little kid again my ice cream fell on the ground. I went from nothing to something back to nothing in a blink of an eye. My something wasn’t just anything. It wasn’t a food or animal, a shoulder to cry or hand to hold. From day one I knew it was going to disappear. Like a snowman, building it was the most fun I’ve had in years, having it around made me smile every time I looked at it. Then comes the day the sun came out, slowly melting through my finger tips. Time and time again I try to rebuild it, the sun gets hotter though. Not hotter like good looking, the suns ugly, that’s why you can’t look at it without your eyes hurting. Any way, the sun became a problem, it would hid behind clouds manipulating everything in its path. I guess you could say the suns a *****. All I ever wanted was my snowman to sit outside my house peering in my window making me smile whenever I needed it. All I ever wanted was a friendship that didn't melt unless it was melting my heart. That **** sun gets in my way all the time, maybe I want a snowy day to rebuild my snowman for once. Dear sun, please get over yourself, you don't have to be the center of attention all the time. You sure as hell don't have to melt away all the good things in people lives so you can feel good. I'll never forget the day the sun cheated on my snowman or kissed another boy. ***** be gone, I want a storm.