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is it curious that we spare our souls
through poetry,
but remain a closed book to our "family"?
Poetry has been a healing tool, helping me make sense of what was hidden in me for many years and remains hidden, even though I am still, unaware.

Family can mean any community that we are a part of.
i have to be smaller
i am too big
these people
their words keep repeating in my head
hahaha, she's so light!
ugh, why are you eating so much?
do you know how lucky you are to be light?

i
have
to
be
smaller
She held a conversation with the cracks in the ceiling,
called them sisters, called them home.
They answered back in whispers
of storms she never asked for.
A thousand tiny earthquakes
under her paper-thin skin.

Her hands were maps to nowhere,
veins like rivers running dry.
She carried every "I'm fine"
like a brick in her chest,
a cathedral of lies built from silence
and the prayers no one heard.

She danced on shards of herself—
sharp edges, aching heels,
the broken girl waltzing with the ghost
of who she used to be.
Each step a soundless scream,
each cut a hymn to the hollow.

And when she shattered,
it wasn’t like the movies—
no slow motion, no violins,
just the raw crack of a soul
splitting open,
a kaleidoscope of pain
spilling into the dark.

The wind gathered her pieces,
spinning them into stars,
while the moon wept softly
for the girl who gave her light
away.
I'm your poet, I'm your pain
I'm your forever never was
In the black chill lake
Right at moonlight
Listen as I hide my scream
Dressed as a ballad.

I'm your sculptor, I'm your sanity
I'm your always and forever
Colorless hallucinations
A nostalgia induced sight
Hold me gently in a second
Then vanish before I wake up

I'm your painter, I'm your dream
I'm your never looking back
Blinding lights of evermore
Baggy jeans and icy grins
Baby we were an eclipse
Ephemeral like my wish.
boundless trust erupts,
naïve like a child’s bright gaze—
chaos whispers loud.

choices carved in haste,
fragile bridges left to burn—
echoes haunt the heart.
Although mania brings with it joy energy and hope it also comes with haste bad decisions. I tend to be too naive and unpredictable.
words
          flow
                out
                     of my mouth
                                           like droplets
             falling
out                          
                   of
                                         the
          air


falling
f a l l i n g
                                   further
                apart

never
together
again
Me
No food
No sleep
I can't let these things reach out and speak sweet lies
I can't let food call my name
I can't let sleep drown my thoughts

I shouldn't eat
I can't sleep

This is me

I am broken girl
Who can't eat
In fear I weigh too much

I am a broken girl who can't sleep
For my thoughts and memories
Haunt me too much

I am a broken girl who answers 'how are you?'
With 'I'm alright' even when I'm not even close
Because I don't want you to worry
I don't want you to fret
Over a broken soul

I am a broken girl who says 'I have been busy'
when someone asks me why I haven't done something
I have been busy just not in the way they think
I have been busy trying not to give into hunger
I have been busy fixating on how I'm broken
I have been busy
But not in the way they think

I am a broken girl who has let her demons
creep up on her too much

I am a broken girl who has surrendered
her soul

I am a broken girl who dates so she feels
worth something because I don't when I'm alone

I date because I need to depend on someone
Because I am not dependable for anyone
Let alone myself

I date so I can hear someone say I love you
So I can hear someone call me beautiful
Cute
Amazing
And so many other things
Even if I don't believe it

I am a broken girl who has lost so many relationships
Five to death
And so many others just because they left
I was no longer good enough
No longer happy enough
No longer
PRETENDING

I am a broken girl who pretends
And when I stop people leave

Because I am too broken

I am too clingy

I am too demanding

I'm just not enough

Or I'm too much

THIS IS ME

But no one sees
Until I let them

And when I do they worry

But please don't worry
Because you didn't when you didn't know
So why worry now?

I'm still the same me
You just couldn't see all the flaws that my eyes do

You don't see the way I do

I see a girl who's eyes are too big

I see a girl who isn't thin enough

I see a girl who's hair doesn't suit her no matter what

I see a girl with too many scars

I see a girl
But I don't

For all I can see now is a walking flaw

And no one knows that
THIS IS ME
April/ 19/ 2018/ 10:19 AM
Its just a dream
Ive always been dreaming
I have to wake up

Its all an illusion
It always has been
I have to wake up

They arent real
They never have been
I need to wake up

This is all in my head
I dont remember anything
I dont think i ever have
I need to wake up

My hands are shaking
They always are
I need to wake up
I need to wake up
Its all fake
... i need to wake up
Don't leave me all alone, don't drag me
Over the coals
No way i will let you die
To just sit there, plan gone awry

Leaves fall. you left me.
Ever will i feel happy again?
And you didn't even say goodbye
Vacuum ****** up everything i loved
Even to your friend.
the lyrics intimate, me inside recognized,
and I find it hard to believe,
not to recall my chest actual
aching from a lost love, a busted
heart,that my family physician told
me not a thing  to be done, and time
the only known cure and that was
only twenty five years,
a just short “long time ago”

but there is no such a thing as time
when the wounded heart is pierced fierce, there is no round the bend visible to tell
you, love will come again; and you’re so
cautious,  won’t trust, to open, but irony it’s
the only way to find it one mo’ time, to
give yourself up in whole, not just parts,
and you “discover” writing poetry helps,
and a new life long habit is forming that is a kind of meds that you disburse to oneself

later be
this song below, Bonnie Raitt
makes you ache with her rendition
keeping no secret she’s been there truly

used to look to ascribe fault, but learned,
t’was a time waster, more accurate, each
of us had our own fault lines, dormant,
till not, and when the lines touched and connect, it was an earthquake off the scale,
and the tremors just keep on coming

but the chest ache was so intense, close
my eyes, and relive it,  and makes me
feel kinder, more human, less angry? more forgiving cause there is no mark of Cain
on someone’s forehead to indicate that
one is suffering the aftermath, the aftershocks, of this loss, so be patient
when encountering a human who sighs
out loud often, as often as as
every breath

listen to the song, it will untie your chords,
maybe making some memories resurface,
for better as it is part of writing
only love poetry
Wounded Heart
<>
Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave it never helped
'Cause your trouble's like a flood ragin' through your veins
No amount of love's enough to end the pain
Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong
But the anger that you feel goes on and on
And it's not enough to know that I love you still
So I'll take my heart and go for I've had my fill
If you listen you can hear the angel's wings
Up above our heads so near they are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart
When it cannot rise above a wounded heart
When it cannot rise above a wounded heart

Songwriters: Jude Johnstone
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