vibrant colors
sparkling lights
ground shaking
heart pounding


you appear

why in this chaos

do my eyes focus

locked in my sight
you're all I want

clutch my chest
as if I could do anything
I'm too late
you're here

as if i ever could have done anything
you met me
now everything is history

You might make me feel safe
You might make feel content

but I deserve better,
so much better

I gave you my attention,
I thought of you past midnight in the dark of my room,

and now you've gone back on your word
and all I can think is how ignorant I really am

but

stop it
because I'm not ignorant
I can't let you be the reason I see myself so negatively

you're the one who gave up

I might be left in the dust

but just you wait, I'm going to find the best

tonight
I ache to see you sitting next to me
I yearn to hear your voice
I desperately wish you could make me feel alive

the days are adding up
and they don't stop- for me

you've been gone for decades
and each 10th year mark
I feel like a part of me slips away to

tonight
if just for a few minutes
I want you

If you could make me feel something
I could tuck it away
cherish it forever


but forever,
that's a time
I'll never have with you

every moment, you're gone
you're a memory- one that I can't even remember

I wish I could have you

When I was 8 years old I made my brother mad
He beat me up
Tackled me on the couch
Held me down
I didn’t have the strength to escape him

When I was free I went to my friend’s house
I cried
My friend tried to comfort me
But all I could think
Was how could he lay a hand on me?
I never wanted to go home

Because when I was 8 years old
My brother was 20
He was the oldest guy I loved
The oldest guy I trusted
How could he physically hurt me like that?

I miss sitting beside one another
I'd be studying notes that  took me hours to prepare
and then you'd casually
avert your eyes to my work- wanting to know what exactly I'm studying
You didn't care about the friends behind you
It was me, and it was you

it doesn't matter now

I used to wonder what you thought of
the full page of definitions on the circulatory system
I used to wonder what you thought of me

it doesn't matter now

I wanted you to be intrigued
I wanted you to say something

But, I didn't- I couldn't talk to you
So if I couldn't talk to you, maybe you really didn't
want to talk to me

it doesn't matter now

I wish I had the confidence like some girls do
Maybe something between us
would've happened

but now it's in the past- it doesn't matter now

All I have left are the notes
and the memory

And,
I have to keep refreshing the memory
because I don't want to lose that to
I can't bear to let that (not) matter

you're so many miles away
and all I can think about is
how
by this time next year
some other girl will be your muse

I don't want to give up my title
but
our words linger, far away
and our touches
are a distant dream

I don't want to miss you
because then I have to admit
you've made me feel
something I can't even comprehend

but this is the year
we are free
and we both chose different realities
so far away