hell must be empty
the demons are all here

they live inside of the shell of me
they have been for years

kicking my stomach

tossing my heart

twisting my mind

their silence is deafening
it's worse than my scream

hell can be empty
the demons are all here

they play around in my eyes
and make me believe what i can't see
they trick me into hearing what i want
and make me need what i glimpse

they help me deceive people
hurt people
break my heart while trying to crush others

hell should be empty
the demons are all here

they're darkness and ropes
my blades and my nooses
my tears and my blood
my powder and my pills
my guns and my ammo

hell could be empty
the demons are all here

they help me scare people
to betray them in any way
because they say "no one cares"
and i can't help but believe them

so when i say run away
get away fast
you must do what i want
or your heart won't last
i'll push you away
build concrete walls around me

so the demons can't hurt you




nor



i



can




hell is empty
the devil is right here

Unsettled fingertips tap the counter and
I clench my fists
Unclench
Clench
Unclench
Clench
I live inside Salem,
A body of mystery and fear
Torn between truth and myth,
The void exactly where you wanted me

"Are we going to fix it?"
We don't talk about it
"Is it going to work?"
We don't talk about it
"I love you"
We don't ******* talk about it

5 years is an eternity for girls living apart
Separate states and contrastive attitudes
Regarding colorful race and travelling the world
I wanted adventure and you wanted safe

I think about you when I row the river,
I think about you when I paint the landscapes and
I think about you when I'm drinking
A wrecked, terse woman wasting in oblivion

You injected distrust in each of my veins,
slowly seeping throughout my body,
Creating a coma of emotional insecurity
year
after
year

And I believed you this time
I believed you last time and
the time after that but
I will not believe you the next time

I sat on the curb at 3am and discussed
endless options of our future
I didn't need to prove myself further,
Since I've already done the hard part,
Driving 5 hours in the middle of the night,
in secret to see you, darling

"Are you coming?"
"I'm coming"
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure"
Do you promise?"
"I promise"

I did the hard part and it was your turn
Your turn to prove that you meant it,
that you wanted it to work

The sun was pouring that day,
When you cried and choked on the words,
"I like a boy,"
Words that weren't so foreign
but that were piercing to my heart

"It's okay," I said
"I still love you," I said
A beautiful mountain girl surrounded
by bigotry and hate in a state full
of so much beauty

Acidic tendencies in the middle of the night,
I washed my hair with your ******* forgery,
My eyes poured for days, unceasing
Unrelenting
Ultraviolence on repeat because
Lana can make it beautiful

A heartbreak so heartbreaking
and I loved you
I loved you more than the pale moonlit mountains
and the Ferris Wheel skidding the clouds and
I loved you more than jars full of sand and
Midnight fireflies and cool, sophic fire scented air
I loved you more than loose t-shirts on lazy days
and I ******* loved you

"I love you more than this mixtape,"
with the memories of swaying palms and
gravitating tide pulls and a simple sentence of
"You look so familiar."

I wish I had never seen you
Blonde hair, windy
Blue eyes, angry
I wish I had never glanced toward the deck 5 years ago
on the shore where all things seemed beautiful

Because All Things Seem Beautiful
at first, before the crash of thunder and
Before paradise lost its way home

"It's not goodbye," you said
"It's see you later," you said
And I wish it was the former and never the latter
Because this road was lost many years ago when
Empty promises promised to exist

You've broken my heart and
I
Loved
It
because with you, dark nights
seem a little breezier and howling coyotes
drown out country ambitions because
with you, with all of you,
it's too safe
Too ******* safe

I loved you the first time,
and I loved you the last time
I need my trust back and I can't be waiting
for you to make up your mind on your *******
domesticated relationships because you feel
better hiding than being passionate

Hiding behind your masculine partner,
A partner so very vague and so very safe,
when you didn't take the chance that I did
A chance that would have worked, for as long
as things really work
I would've tried for you

I need to trust again
I need believe when others say that they're coming
I need this distrust to deteriorate because
I can't do days of stomach aches and
gipping anxiety anymore
I need to trust and to love because
I know that I'm good at it,
but you've taken my ability to love
and flushed it like cold coffee

This is okay
I am okay
Because each day that I go from you,
the happier I feel and the freer I feel
I'm a kite that catches the wind at ungodly times
of night and a gemstone that scratches too easily
when promised a warranty

Goodbye to you, beautiful mountain girl
I'm saying what I need for me and never for you
because I loved you in past tense and the present
is so forbidden

Goodluck with your normalcy,
while you lick your lips with Jesus
and while I light a cigarette so sweet and pure
Goodbye, beautiful mountain girl
Goodbye

There's nothing left of me now.
I don't know what I've become.
I don't know if it's good,
I don't know if it's bad,
but I know I want to go back.

I want to feel young again.
Young enough to feel alive,
young enough to have a colourful mind,
and a heart full of ambition.
A time when nothing's ever enough.

Bad days will pass; the sadness will go away. Good days will pass; happiness doesn't last forever. Nothing does.
2. Not everything is worth your time or energy or brain space. Sometimes you need to just let things go.
3. You're not alone. You never were. You are surrounded by people that care about you, and if you don't think so, look closer.
4. Mental health and physical health come before grades and school, always. You need to take care of yourself.
5. The most self-destructive thing you can do would be to place all your love and happiness into someone else's hands, without leaving any for yourself. People are fluid. They change, and one day you might find that they left all your love to wither and die out on the street, with no regard for your feelings.
6. The hardest thing to do is to love yourself. But the hardest thing and the right thing are usually the same.
7.  You never actually wanted to die. You just wanted to start living.
8. It's okay to cry. Contrary to popular belief, crying doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're human.
9. Life is way too short for you to spend it surrounded by people that don't care, or people that make you feel ******. Be with people that fill you with positivity and light; people that are willing to stay up until two in the morning with you because your mind is a mess and you don't trust yourself to be left alone. Be with people that love you with every fiber of their being, and that you love even more than that.
10. You need to remember that once upon a time you were a little child, wide-eyed and curious about the world. You didn't lash out at people, you didn't harm yourself on purpose, you didn't starve yourself just so you could be lovely. And some nights, if your entire mind is attacking every single thing that you've ever done, it helps to pretend that you're that little kid again, because how could you possibly hate the three year old version of yourself? You can't. But you're still that three year old version of yourself. And that five year old version, and that nine year old version, and that eleven year old version, somewhere deep down. And if you can't find one single thing to love about your current self, that's okay. Find something to love about any of the other versions. Anything.
11. The coldest, cruelest people were once as warm and welcoming as the sun. So the next time you’re walking around and you decide that the world is an awful place, look closer. See the people around you as they are when they’re with the person they love. See them as they are when their eyes are lit up and they’re talking or thinking about something that they’re really passionate about. Look past the walls that they’ve built around themselves. The world is not an awful place full of broken people. The world is a beautiful place full of fragile precious people that are lost and wandering but still hopeful. If you look around and see misery, look around again and see what’s hidden behind the misery.
12. You're only here on this Earth for a short period of time. You're born, you go through life, then you die. You were blessed with a little bit of the galaxy in your body and stardust in your veins. So make the most out of every single moment that passes by, because you might not wake up tomorrow.