I don't know what I expected
when we started hanging out again.
I don't want to be your **** buddy
or cuddle buddy.
I want you to want me
when I'm not naked.
You keep telling me what a mess you were
when you thought that I no longer loved you.
After six months of self destruction,
I thought maybe you'd love me again too.

written June 16, 2015

"I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore
I want to have the full you, someone I adore
The feelings you give me but ten times more
and I want to feel you deep inside
Not my body but my life
I want to get to know you, the real you, your soul
Deeper deeper baby, right there that
Hole in your chest that makes you cry, I want to know why
and I want to converse with you like our tongues do in bed
Engaging in a language we both understand but I want more
Give me more
I want your eyes to do what your hands do and monitor my body like I'm your property and I want your hand to hold mine
I want cuddles and laughter
And hearts beating faster
Oh dear, I want to be so much more
Than your *** *****
And I don't want your tongue between my legs anymore"

I'm tired of waiting for us
to be on the same page.
I'm tired of you deciding
when we can see each other.
I'm tired of secrets.
I'm tired of crying over you.

Even after everything-
after all this ******* time-
I'm not tired of loving you.

Gift me books
Filled with stories of far away lands
Words of poetry overflowing in love

Gift me books
Anonymous letters of confession
Mythical tales of African tribes

Gift me books
Blank new borns
Filled to the spine with memories and dreams

Gift me books to fall in love with
Books to time travel into
Books to escape responsible madness
Books to share with my bros

Pages and pages filled with fascinating, inspiring, emotional simple words
Gift me a book
So we can share our worlds to form galaxies
Of trust. Hope. And love.

I knew I shouldn’t drink
Not in the teenager
‘I should be
                  responsible’
            way,
because honestly
           I didn’t care about that
                                     About not disappointing my parents
because they can tell me what they want
             but everyone drinks
                    and no one waits until they’re twenty-one
and I know they weren’t exceptions
              I knew I shouldn’t drink
in the
              “everyone in my family is an alcoholic
and I will be too
                         it’s a hereditary disease
once I start
                                                 I won’t stop”
sense and in the
                    “emotional drinking is a bad sign
                             and binge drinking still counts as alcoholism
(at least I’m pretty sure it does)”
sense
          but still
I drank
          when I was
angry
sad
at parties
bored
            because what else was I going to do?
                                                   History repeats itself
              and I am no exception
So the first time I had drunk
                I was ***
I mean…. you get it
                   who cares really
I don’t really remember it
                        I remember blacking out halfway through
and waking up somewhere else
                   but I don’t remember ever saying
                                      "no”
          or “stop”
                       or anything like that
I just remember it all being hazy
                                     and if I went to another party
I wouldn’t even recognize him
                     but I don’t go to parties anymore and I know
                                                            ­                                  I shouldn’t drink

I can be 18
if it'd give you
some peace of mind.

I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
but what you're eating had emotions.
I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
but it's really not necessary for you to eat that at all.
I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
but, in order for you to eat that, we're killing the planet.
I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
but "free range" doesn't mean anything
and "grass fed" just means they had a bit of ground in their cages.
I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
but cows have best friends,
mother pigs "sing" to their babies,
and turkeys can play video games.
I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
it's just that it's super hypocritical to say you believe in animal rights
and are against animal cruelty
when there's a hamburger on your plate.

I'm not forcing my lifestyle on you,
you're ignoring me anyway.