of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.

I’m under disguise, so you see right through me.
Kind of like clear *****, hiding in a water bottle.  
I hide, unknown by the foolish.
I wait to be desired upon.
Caressing the lips of the one that’s drunk on me, burning their hearts with embers destined to thrive into flames.
Coursing through their veins, in their blood, slowly poisoning them with my sickening sense of addiction.
Giving them a fun time for now as I pretend to be something else,
and I’ll save them a special headache for later, when they wake up and realize that it was me in disguise all along.

People may ask “why?” after all that’s happened. Why do I stand for him? Why do I do what I do?

Here’s the answer, I hope it’s the one you’re looking for:
I know him. I’ve been there for him as he’s done the same for me. I have had the privilege of getting to know him, along with the privilege of getting to love him. I’ve learned over the years that he tries not to show sadness. I’ve also learned that sadness is what consumes him way too often. I know that, while he’s in his room during the dark hours, he feels alone. Only his destructive thoughts for pitiful company. I know that his family throws hurtful daggers in his direction.

I know how that hurts. I know what it feels like to feel alone during those dark nights. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning, drowning in blankets and warmth, but still feeling impossibly cold.

If I can help him feel less of that, less alone, less worthless, and less sad, I’ll do it. Especially for someone I love.

I've caused pain that I myself would never be able to comprehend.
Guilt has engulfed me to a point where my every decision is somehow confirmed by it.
Or better yet I'm pushed forward or motivated by it.
I hurt because I hurt so badly
I loved sincerely even though it wasn't meant to happen.
I don't regret what I felt, I regret not showing it.
Even if I were given the chance to I still wouldn't.
I'd lose so much and I'd be stripped of my "grounded principals"
Oh Lord I apologize for entertaining the devil and spitting on your face.

Lust, attraction.. attachment.
I'm at the mercy of biochemistry.
Cupid with his arrow, shot my soul.
In a ridiculous fashion.

It makes no sense.. is it supposed to?
Flushes cheeks, my hearts racing.. hands are clammy.
Never met a soul I was close to.

The dopamine, could be the nicotine.
I'm blinded.. such a beautiful face
The adrenalin & serotonin coursing through my veins.
I find I'm tempted, temporarily insane.

Cupids star struck victim.
Vasopressin & oxytocin in my nervous system.
Tell me are these the drugs for long term commitment?

I just had to laugh.. in my experience, good things never last.
Like the ocean, my love for you was vast.
I guess cupid missed his shot
The time has come, your love went past.

Like*******, I'm sure there's a better way.
It was all just chemicals anyway..

I can't seem to sleep
Seep into a dreamless deep
Beyond the mind, oh so sweet.
Melancholy 

Remind me what it's like.
Diamonds cracked like puzzle pieces
In spite.
The aching feet, clammy hands in the fear of heights.
Jumping into the arms of folly

In all honesty my minds scrambled.
I let it run in no particular direction
Beautiful bittersweet imperfection. 
Just poetical footnotes to add to my collection.

Enjoy the little things in life.
The smell of a rose, the petrichor of the earth after a rainfall.
The sunset & sunrise, it seems everyone forgets this life is but a breeze in the grass.
Of times to come & times to pass.

Beautiful isn't it? How fragile life can be.
I can be gone in an instant, the clock will tick.. tick on
Don't be discouraged by all that life brings.
Like the bad, there will always be good.
Just as it should.