I had always prided myself on my strength
The fact that I survived multiple abuses
And still didn't break

I told you about it all
The beatings I received
The ****
And the hopelessness I felt everyday

You promised me sanctuary and I was cautious at first
You gained my trust
And quenched my love thirst
You made me feel safe
As you slowly burrowed into my soul

The manipulation, like a slow acting poison
Rotted me from the inside out
And by the time it was obvious
I was already under your control
And already falling down

I always prided myself on getting right back up
But your hold on me and abuse
Was such a mind ****
And I'm stuck

Even after I broke free from you
The roots of your control were still buried in my soul
And to this day, you make me the weakest
And you make every ray of sunshine the bleakest

I'm so paranoid
And so confused
I mix up pure love
For someone trying to abuse
And I'm trapped here
Forever pretending to be the same old me
So strong and so brave
But my unbreakable heart is starting to cave

How am I expected to be okay
When you all tell me that there's something wrong with me?
How do i look for a solution,
When the problem in itself is blinding?
I'm stuck on the inside with no key
I can't open this door alone
So I guess, I'll never be free.

Having secrets that cannot be told
Because my entire life is based on them
I am fools gold
Men call me a catch
But I am no gem
I cannot tell the truth
With the fear of losing them

let me cover you in the darkest cloak
made of pain and marijuana smoke
and let me lift its hood over your innocent mind
so you can search for the answers that i could never find
you can't imagine someone hurting so badly
but darling, this pain is my own
so many times i have fallen in love ever so madly
and then was stripped and skinned down to the bone
betrayal was my oxygen
and every breath i took was a stab to the back
And every bruise on my skin was a skill I lacked
I was never good enough, so I strived for silence, obedience and skill
but no matter what I did
I'm not good enough
Not good enough, still.

Every rejection falls on me like a tree collapsing to the ground
eventually i just hang my shoulders, giving up
and the only expression i can manage is an uncontrollable frown
how do i react to being thrown away?
like a **** uncut, missed by the mower
stuck here to sway
every beating or threat
hangs like a storm over my head
how do i breathe when hate and disgust is the only air around me
and how to i search when a cloth of greed is all i see
like a ticking time bomb shut down by a **** switch
I'm still ready to explode with no room to burst in
anger and a feeling of abandonment soaks up in my heart
making it heavy, and hard to start
so it just sits in a hollowed out cave
which is my chest
with no one to save it or let it feel caressed
i feel out of place
like an unfitting puzzle piece
but injected with hate
by all the people who left me
undeserving or apparently just not liked
a mothers love should be given without a fight