i used to fear that
i was going to end up
the example to teach you
a lesson that some
other lucky woman
would benefit from.

it turns out
i had it backwards and
you are the example
of a lesson for some
other poor man
to learn from
me.

you taught me pride.
aggression.
depression.
self-involvement
lack of empathy
and
lying and
            deceit.

you taught me
not to trust
even myself.

you taught me
to doubt myself.

you taught me
to put myself down.
to see ugliness
where none existed.

you taught me the meaning of regret.
and the force of a self-obsessed
and bloated man-baby.

you are a terrible lesson.
a terrible teacher.
and not very nice, either.

thank you kindly, gentlemen,
for the notice.

everyday i am born again
and everyday i die

at least the wired connection
has no delay.
speed
solid metal,
instant sound.

(especially if you are the fool)
-

i am the ship,
and i am the captain.
i'm dropping anchor
h e r e.
i am the anchor.
i am the sea,
i am the sun,
and i am the land.
i am the calm,
and i am the s t o r m.

i had a thought
to write a thing
but as soon as it emerged
it sunk again
back to the pool
of brewing ideas

take it
or leave it.

why cats got to be
so c o l d?

you break promises,
and say things you
don't mean.

yes, you.

even you.

how do i know?

i can see it
in your eyes.

sometimes there are
just a bunch of scattered golden seeds
or flattened green bark
or whatever the ****

and that’s fair

i don’t think i have
any bright ideas
just don’t leap into Mordor
at the drop of a hat

don’t get any ideas

i don't want to say this.
i don't even want
to think
this.

but you leave me
no other
option.

because i can't
keep doing this thing
that you do.

i guess i have to find
someone else
that knows
what farscape is.

someone
that is beyond beautiful.

that is funny.

that likes the same
movies and books
that i do.

someone that is
brilliantly smart.

witty.

surprising,

in all the best ways.

i can't imagine
there ever being
success in this
venture.

i can only see
a grim disappointment.

but what more can i do?

maybe you bank on
this cycle,
i know i do.

and you know
that i love you

so when the moment
strikes
you can discard me
and investigate
other avenues.

you know you can
circle back.

but what if you can't?

what if you can't
find me
ever again?

what if i become
lost from you
because you
pushed me
into the thick,
all by myself?

i guess you
will find out.

when i am lost,
then, you will find your love
for me.

isn't that how
it always goes?

i wish i could show you
what i'm made of,
*because it's not what you think.

you don't even realize
the seconds turn to stacks
and what you thought was new
now is old old old
and yet here you are
and the only clear thought
is a new thought

and apparently,
some days
your body hurts
and you peel
a cucumber in bed
when you realize you
should probably eat
and then you throw the peels
right on
the ******* floor
(just for now)
(just because you can)

i won’t send my
guttural song,
the rumbling scream.
only these pleas.

i limited myself
on purpose
set up a procedure
for my future self
to pause at
a certain place
and be considerate
but when my warning arrived
from the past me
that turned future me
now to now me
and now me
and n o w me
i could still decide
whether to accept my
own rule or
completely discard it
and glimpsed i am
all the me’s
in all of the times
and in all of the projections
and in all of the reflections

to lead is to speak,
so s p e a k.
whether a whisper
or a roar
a song or a
story
to o n e person
or one million,
just speak
what you know
to be t r u e.

(a note to self, really)


you don't seem to realize
that some of the things
you are asking me to describe
seem to be out of
the realm of known
things with known
words.

so i mean,
i'm doing the best with
what i have,
ya know?

as far as my
memory r e c e d e s
someone has taken upon
themselves the
burden
of my dietary habits.

get distant
in an instant

verse two
what is you gone do?

a new song
and
suddenly time
has s l o w e d
the air is thick
skin is hot
breath is short
my body moves
differently and
suddenly he
is here,
inside this new soundtrack,
a beautiful figment
of daydream and memory.

if, being a seemingly
reasonable person,
you thought that one
would get used
to this feeling of your
guts being torn out
your heart d r o p p i n g
down into your stomach
your breath escaping
in a strangled cry -

if, indeed, you thought that -
well then you, sir,
would be completely wrong.

sometimes the changing light
is a
blue-green
indigo-violet
turquoise-dream

and i miss you so much
that i cry
my eyes
right out.

women!
we must unify
and acknowledge
that it is WE
who are the creators,
the nurturers,
the peacemakers,
and it is time for
our unique power
to be unleashed on
a world run amuck.
and
we
are
|one|

being rejected
is like being told you
are too expensive for me,
and i cannot afford you.

what could be better
than finding the prototype

will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   find   heart   thought   man   face   place   good   night   day   hard   moment   earth   sun   imagine   better   going   music   truth   hope   air   woman   space   men   hear   break   white   understand   women   ****   black   wrong   body   best   girls   brain   wall   real   lies   sure   suddenly   cry   fire   word   sound   art   terror   stand   blue   path   keep   speak   thoughts   matter   dark   hold   pretty   sleep   thinking   tears   fool   years   human   move   red   state   left   *******   feeling   strange   ****   voice   learn   sad   coming   times   crazy   golden   water   record   wanted   making   glass   sense   felt   fear   listen   desire   sky   matters   power   mine   person   kind   care   hair   bad   queen   breathe   lost   create   song   long   forward   true   deep   winter   green   hey   woods   watch   dream   days   knew   strength   close   cold   moving   bright   stupid   guess   live   quiet   write   *******   paper   fall   beauty   choose   decide   help   walk   listening   bird   reality   pieces   eye   smile   honest   trees   cast   feet   sister   birds   single   entire   remember   money   silence   happened   lips   figure   metal   lines   silver   hate   question   piece   silly   inside   bass   fine   gonna   hell   head   pull   ***   wild   dead   paint   sadness   work   closer   sounds   pain   nice   afraid   hands   burn   takes   chest   year   realize   car   god   lights   describe   fast   wine   blood   trust   high   color   looked   big   ready   call   ideas   breath   alive   songs   heavy   gold   ground   children   stars   build   cool   point   thinks   stay   grey   waves   taught   sit   running   today   walking   smoke   full   fact   simply   family   follow   game   straight   slowly   loved   minutes   nature   sake   grasp   great   seek   girl   literally   free   wood   bones   wait   lose   tree   dreams   sweet   ways   despair   baby   easily   hiding   clear   heard   throw   house   mouse   memory   hand   storm   bring   side   universe   note   slow   story   order   utter   job   young   death   reach   standing   gin   whisper   constantly   revealed   fair   boom   mitsubishi   warm   corner   cousin   brilliant   leave   ****   pay   gotta   education   telling   escape   fly   rush   opponent   second   open   soft   watched   cheese   humanity   country   apart   happiness   colors   gaze   void   imagined   opposite   circles   room   ice   clearly   bed   worth   force   data   save   father   deserve   boy   grow   flow   jesus   pretend   hide   dragon   shape   meaning   hot   nights   perfect   alert   yellow   start   *****   tiny   rage   aware   answer   told   wind   blankets   liberated   crying   idea   decided   happy   school   arms   action   finally   simple   die   sick   guts   moves   wife   sir   turn   tight   teach   attention   completely   strong   yeah   admit   assault   change   liar   empty   knowing   surely   miserable   feels   challenge   forget   angry   lives   happening   shadow   secret   roll   stones   child   purple   reading   hurt   pink   eat   circle   failed   wanting   seriously   guys   retreat   shine   vast   energy   ugly   rare   funny   lay   crushing   calm   weight   low   struggle   falling   pounding   ago   moon   distracted   recognize   ahead   leaves   teeth   government   exactly   land   direct   talk   names   turns   worst   play   fail   expect   legs   hours   center   news   stories   sitting   met   utterly   held   purpose   dance   caught   problem   mouth   future   consider   watching   serious   absence   shining   president   mile   cuz   turned   touch   catch   paying   group   reflected   view   brings   letting   fed   pulling   shoulder   violence   strike   fun   push   reaching   laugh   confusion   heat   add   allow   gods   ink   orange   unable   general   someday   growing   dancing   drama   bend   fingers   pretending   walls   reasonable   searching   neck   brought   grass   dare   instant

what if my cat is
crying at the d o o r
not for me to let her out
but to make noise
so someone
will save
her?

ender,
i said,
i know you don’t like dubstep,
but
this song, b r o
it’s ill

my body
has never felt like
the most important
part of me.

i can feel that
this is a time
where i could be
folded into the
envelope of the world
in this smooth and
h e a v e n l y place.

might as well
let fly the fear
of going back<<<
since it is
not even a place
and not even a thing

you’re a golden sundial
spinning counter-clockwise
slowing
glinting
got me
thinking bout moons