[my only swerving, by el ten eleven]

guitar slides
that break my heart
sitting inside
my hollow
guitar body
quick three
notes
on air

beats slow
snap
melody light
and quick
dancing
doubling
tripling

now slowing
sliding
bringing
tears

the sad
drumming
and bass
that move
time
forward

it's hard to
breathe my only
swerving
the cello sound
pulls me
down
guitar
strumming

the deep bass note
a vibration
to define
my
loneliness

i hope you enjoyed
my dead
fish eyes
and flaring
nostrils, sir

don't take it
personally
i mean
you caught me!
fair (eh, hem)
and square

i'm sorry, what was that?
did i see you hiding behind the semi?
why, no sir, i did not
did i see the semi?
yes, sir, i saw the semi...
    and might i add, that if i had
    seen you...you would not, in fact, have
    been doing a very good job hiding?

thank god someone
is making sure
i am perfect in
my vigilance
i mean, christ
i deserve to be punished

and i take my
punishment like a man
no trickery
no cleavage or
crying
just grim acceptance

the state, nay,
the country does not have
its hands in my pockets
deep enough
and as we all know
i am such a
thoughtless fool
and do not understand
the ways of the
road that
i must pay
for it
because we all
know that money
teaches
and knowledge is
the problem

to prove that
i am made
of different stuff
i rolled home
on
bald tires
an empty
fuel tank
and pure spite
because i am
nothing if
not rational.

i imagine you
brain on fire
fingers clumsily
- no maybe not clumsily
but fumbling,
tap, tap, tap
at the ipad
in a furious
rush to
release the word
overflowing

you have a
terminal case of
the word splash
the word flood
the word burn
and yours is not only
terminal
it is contagious
you give it to others
in a most
gracious way

the words mock
you and heal you
wake you and
bring the best
of yourself
to us
the lucky few
who catch your
terminal fever
in the wee hours
unexpected
and
forever
changed

there are men,
and then
there are men
honest in their
humility
undeniably selfless
bright with
intelligence
unaware of their
magnetism
their strength
their
rarity
they walk around
oblivious
of their mind numbing
effects on
the opposite ***
the weakened knees
the quickened breath
men
we see you

(panic in the woods)

i will name things
i will name myself
i am not afraid

i will speak
my name
i will show
my face
i am not afraid

i cannot
in good conscience
remain anonymous
with this
one life

i cannot
stifle the
one thing
i have
that is
my own

in the woods i named
a stick and
in a rage i held it
wanting to break
stones with wood

i looked frantically
about at
the trees
with their many
notches and
dark hideaways
and was astonished
to find they
had not made
a place for *me
to live and hide

i wanted to
scream fire
i am here!
why isn't there
a place for me?

then i felt as if
i were a tree
a bare tree
with thieves already
bargaining for
next spring's leaves
not yet sprung

so i marched
down the trail
in a desperate
fury and suddenly stopped
because there
on the grey, dusty ground
was the most beautiful,
vibrant red berry
i had ever seen

and i silently
shouted and named,
red berry!
i am a red berry!
i *know i am a red berry!
why, then
do i feel like
the trampled
grey dust?

tears streamed down
my face
and i panicked
my breath came
too fast
i looked around
wildly
and i named everything i saw

and in my rapid
breathing
i desperately wanted
nothing more than
a warhorse
i wanted my stick back,
that i had flung aside

i wanted to roar
"break!"
and watch the stone crumble
i wanted my horse
to be strong and lithe,
beautiful
a thundering
terror
i wanted to
wreak vengeance on...

what? who?
i couldn't name
my enemy

but i am the namer

i will name
the bane of my heart
the cursed
corrupt nightmares
of government and
moral authority

but my deepest self
is lashing out
for something more
to name

something to break
myself against

but this thing
escapes me
remains nameless
slippery
and out of
my control

whatever you were
wrapped in,
it's gone.
      so get over it.
that feeling of panic
in your gut
      isn't going away
anytime soon
you can't afford
   p r i d e
(though you have a death grip
       on dignity)
life is struggle
    don't hope for escape
because there is no way out
no one is there
  to catch your tears
or return you
to a state of
blissful ignorance

keep pushing down
  your fury
pack it down
  hard
lest it ignite
   and burn what is left
strike the word
fair
   from your repertoire
because the mere thought
of the word
   constricts your chest
with such bitterness
   that it is surely
an unearthly force

don't ruin it
  for the precious little ones
fill their lives
  with color and music
and stories
  because there is
nothing else worth doing
but creating
   let them scribble
and babble and run
and get *****
because that freedom will
be taken from them in
the blink of an eye

don't jade the teenagers
  under your watchful eye,
you fool
   give them color and music
and stories
   and the power to question
and think
   that is all you can do
with your feeble self
    and good luck with the task

don't bother anymore
with pursuit of
politics or philosophy
because nothing matters
your goal
is one foot
in front of the other
without
breaking an ankle.

i'll speak of
the f a l l
   if i must.
i can get on board
  with
crispness...
  beautiful
warm shades
   of orange, red,
and yellow.
i can even
   appreciate a
new sweater,
  the feel of my
my skin being
covered instead
   of revealed.

i will not
speak
   of the winter
every year
i ask myself
    if i will make it
through this winter
all year i feel
it retreating and
gaining on me
the gloom of the
   sunless sky
the dead
   s n o w l e s s
ground
  void of color,
life.
    frigid cold
treacherous roads
miserable gloom
   sun
   sun
   sun
where have you gone?
i have no love
   for the cold
i am a daughter of sol

i will even
  speak of the spring
if i must
     it is nice
hearing the birds
  seeing new blooms
but i want
to be in the g r i p
of the sun
blazing glory
of luminous rays
   summer
is my home

so do not
ask me to speak
of the coming
winter
because i will not.
i will not speak
of the pressing anxiety
my secret murmurings
to the sun
to make an
exception
and remain
triumphant in the
sky for me.

no.
of the winter
i will not speak.

my strange abyss
   my muscle asylum

i breathe you in
   like the moon
       breathes in the tides

do not send me to my doom

take my pitiful offering
   and look upon me
     with favor

let me reside
   in your heart

i want nothing
   more than
      to bend my ear
         to your voice
            alone

quickly...
   the days
      are growing
short

i am covered
in
   copper
         bliss
       see my
  metallic
shimmer

and lead me
into the woods

(i want love in these woods)

while walking in
the quiet woods
        humidity causing
  blonde hair to stick
            to my neck
on wooden path
my footsteps move
and on highest railing
a squirrel beckons
      i smile */a real smile/
she stops
       as if listening for my footsteps
       then scampers forward
       a few more feet
       stops...tilts her head
       eyes gleaming
       listening for me again

i think she is the squirrel queen
bidding me to follow her
to my lover
waiting in the woods
i want love in these quiet woods
in the quiet night
under the moon
oh what a night
that would be
with you
the smell of the leaves
the sound of the crickets
eyes twinkling
soft blankets
this* night
   you should whisk me away
   to a place in the woods

but, alas
the squirrel queen
scampered into the woods
and i'm sitting
at a picnic table
in filtering sunlight
sticky
transfixed
heart pounding
dreaming of
love in the woods
with you.

i cannot tell you
    how many well meaning
eyes have looked deeply into mine
   as lips questioned,
"now what are you doing for you?"

i find that such a bizarre question.

i don't know
   staying alive?
avoiding death by
  getting maimed
malnutrition
  the elements...
isn't that what everyone is doing?

what people are looking for
is something more like...

girl, let me tell you
  pull your chair closer
(said in a conspiratorial way)
these disasters couldn't have
happened at a better time!

i've been taking my
  government cheese
paying all my bills,
  going out to dinner every night
you know i got a life coach
a yoga instructor
and a therapist?

yeah
i have a lover for
every day of the week
i get a massage every wednesday
and a pedicure every monday
because i deserve this me time

what the ****?
what am i doing for me?
what are you doing for you?

[i would hold onto something if i were you]

so...
just hurtled down
the QEW
120 km/h
for 2 hours
in pieces of metal slapped
together - real close to other
people doing the same
(i find it worrisome that no
one finds this strange)

cuz, you know
i needed some alone time
aha...aha...ha...ha
in my shiny metal tomb
eyes wide in the dark
(you know, trying to avoid
   obstacles and ****?)
music ******* B O O M I N G
  it's not right
until the bass
          sits in my throat
   and i get a shiver up my back
now we're ready to hurtle through space
       deaf to the outside world

in addition,
  i decided to commit 1% brain power
            to drinking coffee
  i don't know, say 3% to navigating
                 2% to wondering why my left eye was
                 ******* hurting
.5% to wondering if I really had roaming turned off
      
at one point,  *99%  to figuring out why the *mirage looming ahead
       looked like a battleship - my mind racing -
how could this be - the shapes
the lights - i squint - look for water
                   turns out it was a ******* restaurant
with all kinds of lights outlining edges...but it
really ramped up my concern
in terms of reality there
(for a moment)

i've got some
serious mind-racing
word-related issues
as of late
so this little vision quest
on the QEW
i can't even begin to unravel
in a single paltry
word splash

if i try...
to simplify

i'm a little concerned
that the reason of
my being...the nature
of this crybaby,
ambien-mice-feeding
lunatic
(i'll get to that in a sec)
boils down to:

cooked carrots, high school band, art,
Nancy Drew, and
Star Trek the Next Generation

-

uh...about the mouse
believe me
i freak the **** out
if a mouse is running around
in a goddman house
jesus h - it has to go
but
it was decided the mouse
was to be caught
on a sticky mouse trappy trap
with a piece of cheese

i arrived home
to a very alive mouse
very very stuck
in a sickening way...
but problem solved...yes?

oh no, my friend...problem times two
i did not like to see the mouse in this state.
and i sure as hell wasn't gonna
throw it in the garbage like some kind of animal!
(the gross beady eyed little thing...
but the tail is the worst)

i laid down on the floor
and looked at it
and it wanted the ******* cheese.
so i fed it some.
yeah, that's right.
i fed the ******* mouse some ******* cheese
i mean christ, can't the poor
thing have a last meal?
i mean it just happened to
get into my house.

i laid on the kitchen floor a long time...
looking at that mouse,
feeding it cheese.
and then i was trying to think of how
to **** it fast (cuz you know, i **** **** all the time?)
and i couldn't think of anything...
until brilliance behold - i could drug the **** thing!

if i can take a whole ******* ambien,
then surely a mouse cannot
without consequences plenty
so if i crush one up,
with a mortar and pestle,
yeah, that's right...
a mortar and ******* pestle
*******
all i have to do is sprinkle
some ambien on the cheese
and boom
night night
ambien cheese dream

all i'm gonna say is
that things did not go
as planned
ambien face
      mouse
snow

(for tara)

fourteen years ago
    we became sisters
  and found instant
        (colorful) reflections of
ourselves
    in each other

you are
   the sole observer
of the
humble and
        beautiful beginnings (they always seem so nice)
   the l  i  f  e
     (the dream, tara, the dream)
the hope
    the utter despair
and ruin
         of my love. of my heart.

you are
   my moon
in synchronous orbit
   checking on me
pulling me into you
   when i am
nothing, tara,
but a wretched
   sobbing
heap...

listening to my
  incoherent sobs
for hours
your voice soothing,
"i know, amanda, i know..."

and now
   as i barely have
my face
above water
...gasping for air
   i see you plunge
into the water
beside me
s
i
n
k
i
n
g

tara
you are me
   and i will catch you
and drag you
   out of this *******
if it's the last thing i do

i don't know why
   we cannot see
in ourselves
    what we so plainly
see in each other

but in the mirror
  i see first your beautiful smile
(so genuine)
    the way you naturally
physically reach out to
   people and touch them lightly
on the arm or hand or shoulder...
it radiates this warmth around you
      that is magnetic and puts everyone at ease

then your
   ******* beautiful hair
that i have been
     jealous of for
fourteen years
  beautiful tumbling
waves that shine in the light
...then those eyes
  amber deep
with a sparkle
to go with
   that smile and laugh
and i'm sorry, girl
  but your body
is banging...
you have always looked
    like a spanish dancer
  to me...like you should
have on a tight, shiny red dress
    and should be moving those hips
and bumpin that ***
  all over the floor
hair flying...eyes sparkling
men's jaws simply laying on the floor.
  
when i look in the mirror, sister,
that is what i see
and i am proud

let's not discuss
the past, alright?
because there are
    are a few   f l a w s
with the whole
         ******* idea
of this stupid linear
       time
thing
anyway.

i don't like it.
but seeing as how
      i am currently unable
  to grasp time
       in any other way
(not for lack of trying)
i am stuck with this
     past, present, future
*******.

if you fall into the
t r a p
  of the beckoning past...
and you visualize yourself
           quite literally turning
   your head to look
behind you
                           eyes closed
   summoning memory...
you are about to
   encounter
all kinds of problems.

it is hard
when you
  desperately
try to hold onto
        a time of joy
     recall a person
                         no longer with you
a song
      a smell
fabric
      colors
sometimes these help
but...
good luck with that.

your memories
      are as good as
   your brain
                 - or your old photographs
digital images
       videos
   artifacts
            ...but guess what?
it's all in your head.

and your beautiful mind
      is likely playing
  all kinds of tricks
             on you
       making up complete lies
   presenting you with
           non-existent memories    
making mediocre times (at best)
           seem like "the good old days"
it will cast a false golden
      light over everything and
everyone that will cause you
           to           ...    get              ...stuck
        gazing fondly...tearfully...at the past
...everything glowing so nicely
(if only things could be that way again...)

snap out of it!
now you're a melancholy
    nostalgic
 emotional wreck in
this time, just spitting
         neurons all over the place
  thinking about that other time

if you've angrily slammed
   your brain into reverse
d e t e r m i n e d
      to figure out
what the **** just happened and why
best of luck to you
        where did the last 10 years of my life go?
   why did this person die?
             what went wrong?

go ahead and dig
   that **** up
and make sense of dirt.

because dirt makes
   just about as much sense
as anything else.

so there you are...
    frozen in this time
           in an emotional frenzy
   determined and trusting your
       brain to find the answers
  in the past
(because who better
       than you
    can know and remember?)
                              brain churning backwards
                 like an old tape reel
and what have you got?
   more truth
lies
   exaggerations
misrepresentations....
all in your mind
(let me take a moment here to stress a different word)
all in your mind.

all the real life people
    the three-dimensional objects
are moving  a r o u n d
         you and your crazy brain
in space and time
      (which is also moving)

what's the friggen point?!
i know, i know.
(i'm not saying this facetiously)
it's sad
    that the past is gone.
that actual living people
become past -
        that makes about as much
sense as dirt.

my point?
let's just not
    talk about the friggen past...
it's sad, it seems
   no matter
         how you
    look at it.

there was
  a time in my life
when i didn't know
that
gin
existed.

at some point
   someone put a
gin and tonic
  in my hand,
and i said with delight,
"this is so refreshing!"

i bought the
cheapest gin
i could find
until i heard
snoop rapping
about tanqueray
and i thought to myself,
"what the hell is tanqueray?"

come to find out,
it is a delicious
gin, in a classy green
bottle with a red stamp.

how lovely!
things were just getting better!
i love limes, and
in no time,
a lime version of tanqueray,
"rangpur" arrived,
and i discovered
DIET LIME TONIC

life seriously couldn't get any better.
let's look at the mathematical equation, shall we?

gin=refreshing=limes=tanqueray=snoop=all around good times

marvelous. let's fast forward a decade.

gin=tanqueray=tears.

i honestly wish
life was not this
way and i
could go back
to the way
gin used to be.

and here is the
point i'm
trying to get to -

i'm so blah ...
   so u n i n t e r e s t e d
so unfocused
     that the thought
of going into a store
  to get tonic was
too much for me to bear.
seriously.

so.
i'm drinking gin. with ice. and a little straw.
i have limes in my fridge,
and lime juice.
i looked at both of these items,
and could not summon
the strength
to move either
from the fridge to
the counter,
let alone my drink.

the next step on the road
to the river styx
is gin with no ice and a straw.
then just gin in a glass.
then just gin straight out of the ******* bottle.
then i would just eat the beautiful tanqueray glass bottle.
that seems to be the jist of things around
this place (by "this place" i mean earth) in general.
it's entropy. pick one of the definitions -
i'm pretty sure that poetically any of them apply.
personally, i think
heat death
sounds the best.

[because not everyone understands what i mean,
though it's obvious to me]

when i say
"you are beautiful"
the meaning
depends on the
[context]
if you know
(and everyone around you knows)
you are a striking
shining
beautiful woman
then i mean,
"you are beautiful."

if you are a person
that has just
spilled their guts
their art
done some
amazingly selfless
act
then i mean
"you are *beautiful."

however,
if i'm speaking
to you*,
and i say
"you are beautiful"
i am saying it
in a
g a l a c t i c
                      |cosmic|
(cellular)
e l e c t r o n - like way

i am saying
that thoughtful look
that comes across
your face
lives in
my heart

i mean
that when i see
your body
i
temp
orar
ily
lose
my
breath…
and my first instinct
is to pour
glitter gold glory
over
you
which would
bring me to tears

when i say
(those words)
i mean that
your neurons are firing
in perfect time
that every decision
you make and
emotion you
reveal
is
right

for you alone
- these words -
s t r e t c h and
enfold
and include
trust and love and
judgement
without these
[there is nothing solid]

i don't call you
an     a i r y    beauty
or a flameless cute or
a lone handsome
your brain connections have
shown themselves to
be level
calm

you are beautiful
because i said i
wanted to give you
something
    and you said
       you already had everything
  and i knew in that moment
             that you meant those words

you are beautiful
because your voice
was made for me alone
to hear my name being said…
   so that it sounds like a drum

you are beautiful
in the blue
        of your eyes
   and the little part of
      your ears
the corners of your mouth
   the softness of
your hair
the hardness of
              your thighs
   the strength in
    your arms
the sureness
          in your chest

my beautiful one
i only want you to know
    that since i found a
beautiful
      cosmic
   ethereal man
like you
  i want you for myself
      i want to show you the way

if others have failed
   to see you for who
you are
     then they are
vile creatures, indeed

when i say
you are beautiful
   i mean i see the creator
                  in you
       the spinner of reality
   who deftly grabs his
warped or broken world
         and shapes it anew
without leaking dark bitterness
onto others
      while plucking strings
   and summoning images
            from the wild vastness
of imagination

you have caught my
eye     my
      ear      my
            body
wild one

in your presence
i listen and i connect
       i watch and i remember
              i feel every touch to the core

in the stillness
these words bombard me

because i could never
say this to your face -
   i would sound
    like a silly
          over-emotional
                   unstable
girl.

so instead i lamely say,

"i really like you."
"you are beautiful."

but believe me,

i am no girl.
i am not silly.
i am not over-emotional.
i am not unstable.
i am simply a poet.

i see, i feel, and the words come.
these words are true and rather
   un-emotional at times
        more like scientific facts
being fed from the environment
     and filtered through my senses
             my brain
                     my chemicals
and spit out in
data called poetry.

here is the data regarding your beauty.
interpret it as you will.

by jupiter's storms!
i swore
to myself
i would not
send
the
text.

[the wine thought otherwise]

i
l-i-k-e
like you
(as in)
i find you
agreeable, enjoyable, satisfactory
(or as i would more deftly put it)
   i find you
  charming (you take my b r e a t h e    away)
     good-natured (kind and gentle)
  delightful (talented, funny, and intelligent)

i like you
   i find pleasure
     in your
  very existence.
   the fact
   that we breathe
         the same air
     encourages my feeble
attempts to go on.
i like you
     i find your body
  an endless sea
     of wave upon wave
         of delight, aching need
    stunning beauty
       and my only real
   connection to you.
i  like you
   i feel l i g h t e r
when you are around
  you restore my hope
     for humanity
         you light my way
i like you
  i am at a loss
for other words
  and yet i know
these are not sufficient.

cousin,
it is judgment day.
the day of my
reckoning
and
  it
is
  y  e  a  r  s
in the making.



one is
l o s t.
cousins are strangers
     and friends
since childhood
sharing
   family   secrets
             jokes   joys   sorrows

all eleven are
at a distance
   not  my
         best friends
   but my family

you, cousin
i chose
   to keep even farther away
and for this
i am
| ashamed |

i quietly watched
as a child
a teenager
a woman

your father
a man made of
   an unbounded source
of love
strength
character
         creativity
cousin,
if your father
   makes me love him so
    just by being who he is
         i cannot imagine
the love you had
          for him as your very own father.
cousin,
if your father
makes me laugh
             at his jokes
and makes every child
love him instantly
i cannot imagine
       how you
looked  up to him
as his son.
cousin,
if your father
makes me believe
    there are still good
  men and fathers and uncles
i cannot imagine
     the pride you felt
   when you looked upon his face.


your mother
a woman absolutely
   driven by
positive energy
       love and determination
cousin,
if your mother
   blows me away
with her love for you
i cannot imagine
how you felt in
        the love she
    surrounded you in
every
single
moment
of your life.
cousin,
if your mother
   makes other people's lives better
       i cannot imagine
             how you felt
as you watched her
    lovingly do her damnedest
     to give you your independence.

cousin,
if i watch your parents together
and feel love
      radiating from them
feel determination
through thick and thin…
i cannot imagine
      how you felt
  looking upon them together
when they didn't know
you were watching
knowing all that they did
was for you.

your sister
a friend
   a caretaker
  an instigator
     an indefinable part of you

cousin,
i watched you and your sister
   act like any other siblings
i babysat you
  when you were young
    but i did not see
   your time alone together
    i did not hear
                 your conversations as
     you learned and grew
         but i can imagine that
      life would have
been unbearable
without your sister
i can imagine
     that having her support
meant everything to you
because i have siblings
i can imagine these things
    and i would cling to my brother and sisters
your love for your sister
must have been like
   a cup overflowing.

and as i watched
i held back
  i could have given more
i could have been your
    friend
  i could have made
      your too short life
  easier
      better
  somehow….i could have
      done something and i didn't.
i watched your family
   in their grace
i watched you in your courage
   and i folded.
i didn't want to know you
     any more than i had to
   because i didn't want to have
  to lose you
         like i knew i would
    i selfishly had a choice
unlike you.
unlike your beautiful family.
and for this i curse myself.
i feel this reckoning
and i confess it
and i carry it
but i just couldn't do it, Ben.

the windmills moved slowly
  as i watched, the cellos groaning
       in some recess of  t i m e
             a low, wrenching
                                 judgment...
   tears streaming down my face.

    i've glimpsed the void
i know i am alone
           for all of  s p a c e
                                    and t
                                            i
                 ­                          m
                                            e

this i know on the warmest of days.

   maybe the halting uncertainty i see
       mirrored and glowing in you
      gives me hope

  maybe if i can touch
    your golden thread of light
  lit with purpose
        encompassing your passion
    pulsing with life
        ...maybe our threads will entwine
  and create a thing of beauty

   maybe you cannot see your thread
     and i am here to show you...look closely
       it is reflected in me
   (but that is not enough)
    i have sunk right into your beautiful blue light
       see it trickling across my shoulders?
down
  falling from my fingertips
     golden threads glinting down my back
         your shy but penetrating gaze drifts sweetly
   questioning my purpose
      what a violently gentle air you breathe 
               

do you see your beauty, dragon?
  i see that you do not see - i want to awaken you
maybe you will listen...maybe you will watch

   maybe you can distract me from the void...
      surely i cannot see my own golden thread (if i even have one)
i am wandering...distracted...except for your magnetism
    that snaps and focuses my mind
  into laser like precision

maybe, maybe, maybe....dragon

(or at least that's what i tell myself)

why do you resist
    and force me into this
unnatural
    writhing
close to t e a r s
        state of disarray?

i'm too aware...
   you are too clear...
you are soaked into my bones
my body has plans for you
       reacts to unconscious bursts of chemistry
  before i know you have even entered my thoughts

i know you hear the pounding of
  my heart...feel the v i b r a t i o n s
through e x p a n d i n g  space
   calling you to action

come to me

tell me your heart's desire
and you will have it
whisper your secrets
and i will surrender

i want you. only you.
come... *now.

take me back
where you are king
and space is timeless

s i n k with me
let go of your burdens
let me be your *other
relax in my arms while i
   stroke your hair
speak and let me listen
without
   judgement

follow me

in the flickering light
   we are lovers
to rival those of myth
  and legend throughout deep time

you are perfection
   summoning indescribable ecstasy
when no words have escaped my lips
   to betray my secret desires
   ...your touch an almost unbearable
manifestation of fantasy made flesh

let me slowly kiss all
of you, lingering here and
there to make you
sigh and your heart pound...

hear the truth in my words
and
come to me
do not delay.

sometimes...
  you are a noose around my neck
   strangling
     suffocating
       terrifying

sometimes...
   you are like a single
terrifying  entity
  an octopus emerging from the deep
    seeking me out
   tentacles constantly moving
testing
  embracing
stinging
  clinging
you are beautiful
   but so hungry
your arms cover me
   ******* at my life force
d r a i n i n g me.
i want to help you
but i am so small
compared to your greatness
...i am surrounded.

sometimes...
   individuals separate
and between gaping breathes
   dangling from the noose
or glimpses between
   the great mass of tentacles
i see one alone
  afraid
on the edge of the abyss
   or a rare
bright eyed spirit
challenging
    brilliant
i reach
  grasp around the wrists
and we hold tight to each other

sometimes...
   you grow to my height
you look into my eyes
   and teach me
you see my struggles
   my fear
and you teach and learn as i do
   and I revel in you

sometimes....
i worry.
at your indifference.
at your disrespect.
at your unwillingness to help.
at your lack of empathy.
at your unwillingness to learn.

sometimes...
i see in you
   every burst of sunlight
    every hope of humanity
      every drop of my love

always...
i see a being of light
deserving of respect
    of love
        of safety and protection
           a mind of intelligence
              churning with ideas
                 bursting with creative energy

always...
i give you my everything.

my misery
  doesn't particularly like company
but sometimes it likes tequila

tequila makes me sleepy
  at least then i can take a break
from thinking

what i want
  no one will give me

i need someone else to acknowledge
the reality and horror of this construction

i found a cure
  for unrelenting
and unreturned
desire
and friendship

it is misery and hopelessness.

i used to be self-righteous and holy
until i knew better
i listened and heard silence
i'm on my own

where i was hesitant
   i want to be bold
self-conscious
   i want to be free

but i'm hot
  my ankle is chained
    i'm rejected
      i'm miserable

and i just want to lay on the floor
for a year or two
with a thimbleful of tequila
and straighten things out.

[ode to my vehicle]*

always mindful
  
not to love things or stuff


living so that it 
  
could all burn

and it would be nothing
  
but an inconvenience

always mindful
   to love the people
because for these
there are no replacements



three objects 
  
have escaped my plan

maneuvered 
  
through my designs
and i fell in love with 3 things:



1. *old white macbook
*  
my beautiful
      
smart
        
well-designed
  
whirring piece of brilliant technology

you are already gone.



2. *wedding rings
  (irrelevant)

 i used to believe the
   joke of the symbolism
i fell prey to the beauty of
    well designed twisted metal
and stone.
no more.



3. asian machine love
*
    (a.k.a. mitsubishi outlander sport)  

i am having a hard time

having to let you go
  
my beautiful, black mitsubishi.



i chose you.


i researched for weeks
  
analyzing data

comparing machines
  
prices

trying to be reasonable


and out of all the machines,

i. chose. you.



you are the perfect shape
  
of all vehicle shapes, mitsubishi

you fulfill my obsession with
  
design

     lines
  
c o l o r 
      
efficiency

speed

    and b  o  o  m  i  n  g SOUND



you are the perfect balance of safety
  
including 4WD

and fuel efficiency

your headlights are so bright
  
and your high beams

so magnificent
  it's almost embarrassing


mitsubishi, you little snake...
  you have a manual mode

so i can choose to be a race car driver
  whenever i want


mitsubishi outlander sport, i love you so

*

let's talk about your face
  
(you have a pig-face like me
)
your nose is abrupt
  
it's blunt and it's different

and i love it


you know i hate the cold and the snow
   so you heat my seats
you warn me about ice
  you wipe away the rain

  without me having to ask

you cast light into the dark

  all on your own

gps

  usb

subwoofer

  rockford fosgate

bluetooth


mitsubishi,
you shake the earth

 blasting music 
through my dna

  so that i am made
of vibrations
and air

  invisible to the naked eye

or playing my science fiction audiobooks

  at a reasonable

and responsible volume



mitsubishi, 
you respond to me
with such grace

showing me impossibilities

with a rearview camera

saying, "hello!" in the morning

and, "see ya!" when i leave

(and i believe you mean it)



the deer was not your fault.

or mine, or the deer's.
  
we were all doing what we do,

and to be quite honest,

  the deer got the **** end of the stick, mitsubishi.

the kids like
  to go in
"mandy's car"
    they like to
look through the moonroof
  and i know they are safe
 .  
you are my one machine love
  
with power

combustion
  
     and pistons

you are electric
  
  intelligent

and you boom
 
  sleek

comfortable
  
          well designed



i don't want to see you burn.

it would be more than an inconvenience.
but you will burn. he will burn you.
it won't be me, mitsubishi.

he will take you.
he will smile when he takes you.
he likes to take what i love.
he likes to hurt people
who have never hurt him -
not once in their lives.

he is coming for you,
and i will never forgive him.

disillusionment.
deconstruction.
liberation.
the breaking of bones.

a knife
   stabbed me in the back,
and i cried, "*******!"

a boot
   kicked me behind the knees,
then pushed my face
   into the dirt,

and i thrashed
   until i could thrash no more.

i became sullen.
hopeless.
bitter.

so i climbed into a spaceship
and shot
through the earth's atmosphere.

w   e   i   g   h   t   l   e   s   s

liberated

i felt beautiful.

i could see the whole,
  and it made sense.
i felt the relativity
  of unfocused thoughts

the importance of calm
  of simple togetherness
    pleasure
      the pressure of time
        the shortening of days

and then i fell,
plunging to the earth
to break my bones.

movement made slow
  just when the sun shone
standing uncomfortable
  in fear, in pain.

loneliness,
but wanting no one
(please just leave me alone)

i'll live in my fictions

i'll grit my teeth through the pain
  and keep moving

i won't allow tears
  until at least one foot is out the door

i'll play songs on repeat,
  and subsist on cocoa krispies if i want to

i'll draw cells

and i'll write and i'll write

liberated and disillusioned
liberated and lonely
liberated and in pain
liberated and in fear
liberated and frustrated
liberated in chocolate
  liberated in red wine.

[or more reasons I want to slap you right across your pretty face]

upon wakening
my brain informed my arm to
tell my hand
to pick up a pen and
tell of your voice

the first time
  i hear your particular  vibrations
your sound waves
  your signals
over the air
i almost drove off the side of the road
...now i have to close my eyes
and hold my breath
trying to hear a silent memory
  stored in a recess of my mind
your voice has a musical quality
   a warm tone
that i miss

this brings me to your perfect, hateful lips
  (really, i could do without all of this nonsense)
this very moment my heart is pounding
   right out of my chest
         my jaw clenched
                 my eyes glaring stubbornly into blank space
                        just because i *thought about your lips.

  the perfect lines
the feel of them pressed against mine
  first so soft, like nothing i have felt before
so light and glorious time stands still
   there is nothing but happiness
until there is also heat
   and time quickens
     while kisses slow
        contain more pressure
          more need
            and nothing exists
               but you and your lips.

i want to slap you
   for informing me of your jogging habit
my imagination is quite active
   and the last possible thing i need
is the sun...
   glinting on your hair
       on your stupid muscles
i mean, seriously?
i've almost run down 18 men
  that look nothing like you
because of this insanity
   that has saturated my brain
my nerves
   my emotions
      my instincts

never in my life
   have i been slammed
with such desire
   *knowing exactly
how to end this madness

but forced to remain still.
regulating breath.
letting words flow
trying to calm the mind.

but my body wants to m o v e .
my heart wants to explode
my breath wants to quicken...
my voice wants to escape...
my nails want to claw...
my teeth want to bite...

release me from this madness...
   i just want to get through one ******* day
   one godforsaken lonely night
   without this ridiculous longing

the miles between point a
   and b are too many
but as always, the race is on

...and oh, yes
  i am in a race
of my own creation

brain calculates and recalculates
eyes darting
vehicles
    sunlight
road
    mirror
(is that an officer of the law?)

i practice the smoothest curves
   fluid motions
but at the same time
      sweet sassy maggy
follow the rules

don't forget the coffee for the love of god
    make it to the one gas station by 7
for ****'s sake, get around the blue car
   the black car
the raggedy old truck
        before the exit or you know
you. are. *******. for. miles.

for christ's sake, use all your ******* skill
   to get a around a stupid slow truck
farm equipment
      or a semi
before thou shall not pass
  or you know your rage will be uncontrollable

things are going well
   you feel confident...you will be on time
you are flying and no one can touch you
   your driving is flawless
       that crazy sun is shining
          and the bass is vibrating your bones

and then t i m e    s   l   o   w  s
    as William H. Macy, you see it
it's that ******* Kia Sportage

adrenaline shoots into my veins
  muscles tense
and i slam into manual
4....3
     take that!
       woman cruising like you're on a lazy sunday drive
          smoking a cigarette like it's 1950.
        
don't you know that i'm in a race,
     and you are my nemesis?

it’s suddently solemn
   it holds me back and tears me down
i swear i can’t even hear
(certain people are so easily drowned)

But I
   I am easily lit
   Fire like you’ve never seen
And it is captivating
I’m showered in red-gold
                     And no one will be amused at all.

I am the calm
  And I am the woman
               And I am the fire.

abandoned is the hope
clothed in innocence
never to return.

i am plagued with a heavy sense
of the meaning of things
and it is too much
for me to bear.

a frightening realization
when life breathes in you
(consciously aware)
blinking through suspended time
and inhaled air

reality moves slowly and thickly
(between planes of shifting awareness)
when the truth is so bright and unsettling….
gazing through time is heavy
(the burden of truth)
almost more difficult
to know what you have.

though i would like to believe
that you are celestial

you are not.

and that is the biggest blow
to my psyche.

that we are not forever
(of this earth and this body)
when i love only you

He wields his hammer
   without mercy
bring
the
metal
d
o
w
n
time and space
    e  x  p  a  n  d  i  n  g
crushing metal to earth
         to vibration to sound

my head snaps to the left
         vibration through earth
                through atom through drum
a fire ignites...a fire BURNS...a fire smolders
nostrils flare
  apertures contract straining to focus
      heart valves pump unnaturally
         oxygen is scarce
knees weaken
and i  s
             i
               n
                  k
arms of steel
     guide my hips...
(keep breathing)
strands of gold
     brush my neck
(open your eyes)
kisses so light
  turn to a force of nature
(by the forgotten gods,
              you are beautiful)
teeth playfully snap
    eyes shine
(breathe, woman, breathe)

our neurons are mirrored
   our pheromones agree
now comply...surrender...submit

your cape is irrelevant
  the crimson does not impress me
you do not need it to take flight

your armor is useless
  i can pierce it simply
with a look from my blue eyes

what of your hammer, Thor?
it is all of what you are;
heavy with burden
  spinning and light with hope
crushing the earth with music
raised high to lead
          with a steady hand
hailing a booming storm
    light electrifying

be assured - your hammer is your own
i do not desire to take what is yours
    to smother your light
         to limit your branches

i only wish to see you grow in strength
  in beauty
       in music
            in light

and so i will wait...
for the thunder of the hammer
   crushing the ground
calling me home.