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a m a n d a Oct 2020
[******* guys and your stupid hope]



hope that disintegrates
as quickly as it arrives
is more damaging
than
no
hope
at
all.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
could it really be
that all that was needed
was to hear a little
no doubt

to make me
remember who the *******
i was
before
all of this?

f e a r l e s s
a m a n d a Oct 2020
*******.
and i even think
that by acknowledging i
can’t remember,

i have remembered.

i can get on board with this color palette, i suppose, but only briefly.
for a moment today
the trees glowed orange
   and red and yellow in the gold light
   and my breath caught,
   (it really did)
   but only for a second
because i don’t like the green
mixed in.

i like my reds and yellows
in the sky where they belong
at dusk sometimes
on beaches

and where the water is blue
and the sand
is white

the smell of leaves
is the smell of death,
in a way.

i prefer clean palettes,
and no sane person
goes around putting
  orange and green together,
   i’m just sayin’.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
(and i’m fairly certain one is)



i’m just trying to
bring all the things together,
this entire time.
that’s it.

tagging and
  linking and
      documenting
highlighting and
  tearing out and
rearranging
layering and
erasing.

it’s just a reflection
of my reality.

- no - that’s not right,
not a reflection.

it is more of a
p r o j e c t i o n,
i suppose.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   find   heart   thought   man   face   place   good   night   day   hard   moment   earth   sun   imagine   better   going   music   truth   hope   air   woman   space   men   hear   break   white   understand   women   ****   black   wrong   body   best   girls   brain   wall   real   lies   sure   suddenly   cry   fire   word   sound   art   terror   stand   blue   path   keep   speak   thoughts   matter   dark   hold   pretty   sleep   thinking   tears   fool   years   human   move   red   state   left   *******   feeling   strange   ****   voice   learn   sad   coming   times   crazy   golden   water   record   wanted   making   glass   sense   felt   fear   listen   desire   sky   matters   power   mine   person   kind   care   hair   bad   queen   breathe   lost   create   song   long   forward   true   deep   winter   green   hey   woods   watch   dream   days   knew   strength   close   cold   moving   bright   stupid   guess   live   quiet   write   *******   paper   fall   beauty   choose   decide   help   walk   listening   bird   reality   pieces   eye   smile   honest   trees   cast   feet   sister   birds   single   entire   remember   money   silence   happened   lips   figure   metal   lines   silver   hate   question   piece   silly   inside   bass   fine   gonna   hell   head   pull   ***   wild   dead   paint   sadness   work   closer   sounds   pain   nice   afraid   hands   burn   takes   chest   year   realize   car   god   lights   describe   fast   wine   blood   trust   high   color   looked   big   ready   call   ideas   breath   alive   songs   heavy   gold   ground   children   stars   build   cool   point   thinks   stay   grey   waves   taught   sit   running   today   walking   smoke   full   fact   simply   family   follow   game   straight   slowly   loved   minutes   nature   sake   grasp   great   seek   girl   literally   free   wood   bones   wait   lose   tree   dreams   sweet   ways   despair   baby   easily   hiding   clear   heard   throw   house   mouse   memory   hand   storm   bring   side   universe   note   slow   story   order   utter   job   young   death   reach   standing   gin   whisper   constantly   revealed   fair   boom   mitsubishi   warm   corner   cousin   brilliant   leave   ****   pay   gotta   education   telling   escape   fly   rush   opponent   second   open   soft   watched   cheese   humanity   country   apart   happiness   colors   gaze   void   imagined   opposite   circles   room   ice   clearly   bed   worth   force   data   save   father   deserve   boy   grow   flow   jesus   pretend   hide   dragon   shape   meaning   hot   nights   perfect   alert   yellow   start   *****   tiny   rage   aware   answer   told   wind   blankets   liberated   crying   idea   decided   happy   school   arms   action   finally   simple   die   sick   guts   moves   wife   sir   turn   tight   teach   attention   completely   strong   yeah   admit   assault   change   liar   empty   knowing   surely   miserable   feels   challenge   forget   angry   lives   happening   shadow   secret   roll   stones   child   purple   reading   hurt   pink   eat   circle   failed   wanting   seriously   guys   retreat   shine   vast   energy   ugly   rare   funny   lay   crushing   calm   weight   low   struggle   falling   pounding   ago   moon   distracted   recognize   ahead   leaves   teeth   government   exactly   land   direct   talk   names   turns   worst   play   fail   expect   legs   hours   center   news   stories   sitting   met   utterly   held   purpose   dance   caught   problem   mouth   future   consider   watching   serious   absence   shining   president   mile   cuz   turned   touch   catch   paying   group   reflected   view   brings   letting   fed   pulling   shoulder   violence   strike   fun   push   reaching   laugh   confusion   heat   add   allow   gods   ink   orange   unable   general   someday   growing   dancing   drama   bend   fingers   pretending   walls   reasonable   searching   neck   brought   grass   dare   instant
15.8k words | from my profile
a m a n d a Oct 2020
does anyone else
k n o w they lose
entire poems?

a whole world imagined,
words stream suddenly
come together
perfectly

s o m e h o w reading
your own mind story
almost as if
an observer.

a glimpse of understanding,
an ( ((awareness)) )

and it is only
together but for
the moment of
creation


immediately the structure frays
the words come a p a r t
| scramble back up |
and it is
gone.

i have imagined
and lost
entire lifetimes.

births and deaths.

ways to be
and ways to
unravel.

noticed and appreciated
and listened and described
and understood
in b r i e f
moments
of clarity.

alas,
there is nothing to be done,
except wait attentively
and with excitement
for the next loss.
a m a n d a Oct 2020
i mean,
i can see how christopher columbus
“discovered” the Americas from
his perspective.

the same way that
we “discover”
things that are
|new to us|
like space, or the ocean
or a new ******* restaurant.

but if i hike into
the woods and
“discover” some area
of land, or a lake, or a cabin,

the fact that i am seeing it for the first
time with my own eyes
does not mean
that thing did not
exist before i saw it.

there is nothing wrong with
exploration - it is vital
and necessary and exciting.

but exploration does
not equal colonization.
exploration does not
necessitate ownership,
theft, or ******.

it just doesn’t.

so good job, columbus,
for being an explorer and ****.
but maybe let’s try
to see the w h o l e picture.

because if i “discover” your cabin
in the woods and
decide it’s mine, **** you,
take the cabin,
enslave your family,

then have a yearly
“celebration”
where i celebrate my
“discovery”...

i’m just gonna go out
on a limb here
and assume
your enslaved family and their
ancestors wouldn’t
much appreciate that ****?

so let’s just say what we mean.
it’s good to explore.
thanks for being a *******
explorer, columbus. we like
this land, fine.

but we aren’t going to
celebrate the
systematic theft
of land, murdering and
enslaving of other human beings, ok?

unless that’s your thing, in which case
you should just be honest about it
and scream it from the rooftops.

let’s just stop pretending things
are the way we want them to be, and
acknowledge how they actually are.

is that not something we can agree on?!
ugh! i’m just sayin’!
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