i need to sleep
yet i sit here at my laptop
trying to find the words
to accurately describe how i'm feeling
but i'm coming up short
it's a mix
of exhausted
and annoyed
and joyful
what a weird combination
would we be a weird combination?
or would we work well together
is there a future?
or is this just a far fetched fantasy
composed of infatuation and the feeling of
not wanting to end up alone
i just want to know how i actually feel about you
with so many miles between us
it's hard to say
but sometimes it's easier to say things
at a distance
courage from behind a screen
but you have recently come up missing
and i don't know how to take it
don't know if you're wasting my time
if talking to you was a mistake
i just don't want my heart to break
but if i don't put myself out on the line
how will i know if i'm a good catch or not?
don't want to wear my heart on my sleeve
don't want to be easy to read
just want to know where to go
from here
want to close the gap between the states that separate us
and the gap between your lips and mine
but again i wonder
is this even worth a try?
are you messing with my heart
or are you being true
i wish i was sure
but i'm uncertain
about you.

i can't be your everything,
but i can be your something
and i no longer care
what we are anymore
as long as we aren't nothing
you can't be my everything,
but you can be my something
you can't be my everything
but you can be my "one thing".

Three am sadness,
This is new
I'm not usually up past two
My eyes are swollen
Tears betray me
Tossing and turning
My eyes are burning
And while I might not seem broken
I leave plenty of things unspoken
All my ghosts have come out to play
Haunting, teasing, taunting me today.

frustrated with the way
the words aren't flowing like they used to
so quick and easy
knew exactly what i was feeling
but now it seems life is
complicated
words don't flow freely
because all my words are eaten
by essays
there's no creative liberty
in apa format
can't express to you my frustrations
because there isn't a peer reviewed
article  
about how i'm feeling
and the woes of word count bind me
it seems i've found myself a captive
can't escape the jail that confines me
because the rubric is the compass that
guides me
and i'm at a stalemate with myself.

and I doubt that I'll ever be the same
because after I met you
everything has changed
and there has been some laughter
as much as there is pain
but since i met you
i doubt i'll ever be the same
you changed the way i saw the world
you changed the way i felt it
because everything was foggy
and then you wiped the glass
and now i can't stop seeing you
in every reflection
your face is everywhere i go
in my brain there's a collection
of memories i made with you
and now i can't go to the park
without looking for your face
because being there without you
just makes me feel out of place
i don't regret letting you in
trust me when i say
I would do it all again.

The cricket chirps a requiem for itself
it knows it's going to die
trapped inside the tarantula's cage
Thorn's eating well tonight.

No one ever tells you  that
Even in the happiest place on earth
You can still feel blue
That there are things you have to do as a person
To thine ownself be true
These things that  will help you grow
Like taking vitamins
To strengthen your bones
But sometimes you have to take the vitamins
That you find disgusting
No one tells you that
there will always be growing pains
And you wont always have enough medicine
Or a mom close enough to give you the grape flavored medicine not the cherry kind
sometimes it just hurts
Sometimes you just have to let it hurt
life will give you more than you can stomach
But when you consume good things
You will produce good things
But the opposite is also true
Even being surrounded by people
Thousands of people
You can feel alone
Because nothing,
I mean nothing
Is ever quite like home
And home is where the heart is
But right now mines far away
Making the best out of what i have
But feeling  low today
Sometimes you just need to be
Surrounded by people you love
And being a thousand miles away
Is difficult when push
Comes to shove.

Two am sleep habits are tough to break
"I'll go to bed early" I say
Yet here I am
Awake
The witching hour has yet to come
And I'll never wake up before the sun.

you make me want to listen
to all those silly love songs
that I learned to love
and each song reminds me of
a different person's name
...
well
they used to
now they're all yours
and so am i.

Why didn't I just open my eyes?
Because how much you care
is a reflection of your time
and you used to give me the
time of day
but somehow I seem to have faded away
you don't care
at least not anymore
because there's no time for me
in your day
and I guess...
i guess that's OKAY
because things happen
and friends
become strangers
and maybe we were never meant to be more than that
maybe we were destined to be
strangers.

and i know that it's not your fault
that depression takes its toll
and it weighs heavy on your shoulders
but the space between us hurts
i know that your instinct is to
push me away
and shut me out
when things get rough
but i will still be here
wherever you need me to be
because i am not just in it
because of what you have to offer me
i am in it because i think..
i think that i might
have something to offer
and that's why i'm here
offering to just lie next to you
and listen to records
because you don't always feel like talking
i'm here for when you feel like talking
for reassurance and
a warm hug
because sometimes the only thing
that kills loneliness is being wrapped in
someone else's arms
i'm here to make you laugh
and lend you a smile
when that's the last thing you want to do
so know
that i will be here for you
no matter what you decide
if you want distance
even if it stings a little
i will offer you distance
i am not worried
about what it might cost me
because whatever i have to offer you
might just be worth it.

and if i were to compare you to anything
it would be to how i like my coffee:
strong enough to wake me up
when nothing else will  do the trick
sweet enough to remind me
that there is still magic
but most importantly i want you
warm and pressed gently
against my lips.

baby can you tell me
do you miss me at all
because if you don't i need to know
if i should move on
i'm stuck in this limbo
i'm lost don't know where to go
i just need a map
or you could point me in the right direction
am i alone in this hopeless affection
or is it even possible that you return the feelings
and if you do that would make my everything
so baby could you tell me
because i can't read your mind
my patience is fleeting, but we still have lots of time.

it would seem
that i am at war with myself
half of me wants to leave you behind
the other half knows that isn't quite right
because I don't want to be someone
who walks away too easily
i am a fighter
but half of me is defeated
say something i'm giving up on you
but i won't give up on us
who would i be if i left when
times got rough?
it just feels like i have a lot of love
and i'm not sure it's worth it
not that you're not worth it
but maybe i'm not
not worth
a second
of your time.

(never) in my life
(have) i been organized
(i)'ve always
(found comfort in) clutter
favoring (a room)
(with) collections of curiosities
than one with (clear surfaces).

I am completely fascinated
with how two people
once so entangled in each other's lives
are now strangers
and there wasn't really a reason why
it just kind of happened
it's a pain in the ****
people are always coming and going
passing each other by
life isn't a race
besides...
none of us make it out alive.

Reasons to give you up:
1. i don't think that you could ever give me
what i **need
and i don't ask for much
2. you make time for the people
that you care about
3. if i forget about you
time will heal my battle wounds
and they won't be ripped back open
4. there are plenty of people
who want my time
(I just don't want theirs)
5. i'm not very patient
and weeks
feel like years
6. you probably couldn't feel the same
7. i was foolish to try

Reasons to wait:
1. you have my heart
2. your smile
3. your laugh
4. your passion
5. the way that you look at me
when you think i don't notice
6. the truth in your eyes
7. even after all this time
you still captivate me

can somebody give me a tie breaker?

Bold enough to speak my mind
but i've let you cross the line
i didn't speak up soon enough
but i also spoke to soon
maybe this friendship
was only meant to last til noon.

You are like the ocean
Drawing me in
As I step closer to the water
My feet sink in the sand
Leaving impressions of myself on the
Surface of your heart
But you steal the sand beneath my feet
I am swept into the water
With one wave you captured my being
You are so vast and beautiful
You are unending
And all encompassing
I wish nothing more than to drown
In the tides of your love
To sink deeper into the heart of my God
Because like the ocean your love is vast and
There is still so much left of you
To discover
Your word is my map
The guide to all treasure
And I will follow it faithfully
And though I might get a little lost sometimes
You are a patient guide
A faithful compass
And you will see me through
The stormy weather
And lead me home
Once more.

I just really want to know
Do you think of me at all?
Because I dream about you all the time
You're always lingering in my mind

I actually really miss you
though I wouldn't dare to say
I just really wish I knew
If you felt the same way

I ramble on about this
but i haven't yet told you a thing
holding you tight would be like bliss
but to the unknown I cling

You don't know how badly
I want to spill my guts
I would tell you gladly
but I stumble over words like a klutz.

i'm really bad
at confrontation
not at all like my mom
especially when it's face to face
it makes me nervous even to just call you
so how i'm going to tell you
i
don't
know
i'm panicking because what if you
forget about me between  
now
and
then
and i know that i will be
okay
but i don't want to lose
you
because i feel like if nothing happens
now
we'll go back to being
strangers
but i don't think it will be
like it usually is
this time
you won't
come
back
so please hold on
so
please
hold
on.

our friendship lately
feels dangerous
rocky, on edge
i try, but
every
little
thing
i
do
seems to irritate you
i can never be
right
with you
and i am stubborn
shouldn't you know?
it just ***** to feel
like i'm the only one
trying
i understand, you have crap going on
but that doesn't make it right to
treat me
like crap
i came to you the other day
because i thought i felt safe
but now i'm questioning that
because everything
i have to say
you counteract
you retort
you snark
you are never
happy
with me it seems like
unless
i'm
helping
**you

this is a year in which i will
work on realizing my
worth
realizing what i'm worth
realizing that i'm worth
more than what maybe
you can offer
i will work on realizing
that some pathways
you have to abandon
that i myself
am a pathway
best left
untraveled
untrampled
no longer will i let people
leave trails of litter
in the pathways of my heart
i will become healthier
ridding myself of the
sugarcoated people
who threaten to clog my arteries
with the sweetness of their artificial words
and broken promises
i will drop all of the weight
that has found itself
placed on my shoulders and somehow
left a burden in my heart
i will exorcise
the demons that haunt my
every waking moment
i will organize
my thoughts
and become a more calm
collected person
i will travel more
i'll buy a ticket
for a new train of thought
leaving the old one
on abandoned tracks
i will be more charitable,
realizing that
sometimes the charity i need to
give to is myself
because sometimes
i am the one in need of help
i will learn the language
of positive thoughts
and self-love
because it has become foreign to me
i will sleep better
not letting myself
lose any sleep
over people
who won't even
give me the time of day.

I want to be loved by a poet
because only poets know how
to steal your heart with words
a poet can capture your soul
within one simple poem
but can two poets coexist?

*can a poet love a poet?

Writing helps me breathe
when I'm gasping for air
stuck in this town
desperate to get out
just for a little while
need new scenery
more air
elbow room
someone take me away
i need to escape.

Every time I think I've found
a new poet to love
they're taken.

everything is a constant battle
i'm fighting as hard as i can
but i'm fighting the wrong people
why am i fighting my own squad
i am a warrior
but i'm wounding myself
my muscles are sore
every inch of my body screaming
pain
just give up
everything is screaming at me
telling me to stop fighting
let them win
but i don't like giving up
i'm a fighter
is winning worth it
what's the real victory?
what do i get if i win?

Sometimes I just spill parts of my soul into people
I just let everything out
It's messy, but it makes the burden lighter
I don't exactly let go of those parts of my soul
I just share them
Sometimes you just need someone to share your soul with
and that's why I believe in soul mates
Maybe they're not your lover, maybe they're just your best friend
maybe you have more than one
and sometimes they leave
and a new one comes
sometimes you're lucky and
you stay
with them
for a long
long
time
can i be
that
l
u
c
k
y
?
?

i can no longer draw
i don't have enough patience to put you in awe
it kills me sometimes
because i want to
so badly
but everything i draw
turns out badly, sadly
i get so frustrated
why doesn't anything look right
what happened there
what an awful sight
how do i fix this
why do i care
so i just erase all the blurred lines
and tell the sketchbook my goodbyes

i can't tell if you're gone for good this time
or just testing my patience
that's how it is with you
you give me just enough to want to hold on to
but not enough to actually hold
all i have is shreds of the paper in your binding
enough to piece together some things
but not enough to tell the full story
they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
they are wrong.

trying to hold it together
but i'm ultimately falling apart
how do you hold back your tears?
when something is breaking your heart?

frozen.
i see you
and i forget things
like how to talk
because i'd rather listen
how to feel
i just go blank

thawing.
now that you're gone
i can think again
please come back?

I'd say you're my cup of tea
but I don't drink tea very often
maybe you're my cup of joe
you give me that spark of energy
that i need to get through the day

Grief strikes
At unexpected  moments
Memories that I stored away
Have abruptly resurfaced
And just like in the moment when
He told me that you were  gone
My breath  is taken away from me
And everything  feels wrong
Flash backs of that day
Flood my aching heart
And just like that  day
I'm torn all apart
Reliving the worst day of my life
And the last day of yours.

the worst part about being                              inadequate
is                 ­                                                         finding out
you weren't enough
when                                                      ­             it’s too late
to fix the problem
you                                                             ­          didn't know
existed

1.** that i know you can't always be there for me
and sometimes you can't even be there for yourself
but sometimes
it hurts because
while trying to help build you up
i'm my own construction worker as well
and building two things up at once
....
rarely goes well.

2. that i know that you care about me
more than you show it
but i sometimes wish...
that maybe
...
maybe
you showed it
just a little more.

3. that i don't always know
what you need
but i will always try and help you
even sometimes
at my own
expense.

4. i need you to know
that you are way more important to me
than you can probably imagine
and that when you're feeling small you can remember
that you matter
to at least one soul.

5. that you are not alone in your battles
and that i take the "no soldier left behind" thing
very seriously.

6. that even though i am beyond confused
at where we stand at any given moment
i'll stand here with you.

7. that the times you need me most
i will be there
even if you can't do the same.

8. that you are worth it
all of it
every
last
bit

9. that i love you
in whatever form you want to take it
or if you want to take it at all

it's hard to care about education
when it's just drilled in our head as memorization
the system doesn't work when the yearn to learn isn't there
students mindlessly attending, but none of them care
testing is shoved straight down their throats
and the homework is piling and it's sinking their boats
so take note because things need to change
and priorities need to be arranged
i understand that teachers need to be paid
but the salary they are making is hardly okay
it's hard to learn when they have no passion
it seems like loving your job, has gone out of fashion
teachers are concerned about how much they earn
and that is why they try and get kids to learn
but if the teaching isn't genuine
our work is hardly benevolent
so reconsider how things are run
i miss the times when learning was FUN
but now curriculum is strict
and it pretty much constricts
our ability to care
because we are forced to be there
so how about not wasting our time
because learning without passion is a serious crime
and it isn't just the rankings that are suffering.

I don't know how to say this
But I'll try my best to do it
I think I...
I don't know if I want to tell you
I'm growing rather shy
I have these three small words
with a very big meaning
I've spoke them before
but never really in this context
I really want to say them
But they won't come out of my mouth
Maybe I could show you
Could you help me out?
You see your lips, you see mine
they should meet
and our fingers should intertwine
and when our lips part I might just say
those three words
I
what comes after I?
I must say you're looking swell
It shouldn't be this hard just to tell
to tell what?
To tell you  that I love you.

Seven hours drags on
feeling like eternity
anxiously waiting to get home
need some new scenery
maybe I'll go see my dad.

scared
things seem like
they're going by
too
fast
everything is
a blur
what do i do
next
my mind isn't keeping
up with the rest of
the world
it's


lag   gin   g



still
.
.
.
l  o  a  d  i  n  g


p      r      o      c       e      s      s      i      n     g

sometimes

it
comes to

a

halt.
stops l  o  a  d  i  n  g
and
i'm [stuck]
in one place
while everyone around me
is moving fast paced
i take things
s
l
o
w
i like to
procrastinate
i am not quick to
strike
what if they move on





without me?

You are so
vague
sometimes it
kills me
can you not
tell me things
can i not hear
your secrets
i won't
tell a soul
do you
not
trust me?
I trust you
without
really giving it
much thought
I should have
probably
thought this through
too late
I just can't help
but feel
like maybe
maybe I was wrong
I hate being wrong
and maybe
maybe I can't do this
maybe I'm lying to myself
maybe
...
maybe
we
really
are
better
off
as
strangers
maybe
i'm breaking
my own
heart.

when it comes to showing you
how much you mean to me
i am hardly transcendent
but i can promise you
that it's oodles more than you think
i don't always show
gratitude
for the things you do for me
but i always appreciate them
a lot of people use the cliche
"I couldn't imagine my life without you"
but don't mean it the way i do
because really
i can't imagine my life without you
fifteen years of friendship
from kindergarten till college
i can't imagine getting so easily annoyed at anyone else
over something stupid and small
but never going too long
without making peace
i can't imagine going through life
with anybody other than you
nobody else is as synchronized with me
yet also the total opposite of me
nobody else shares life's many frustrations
and joys
as much as i have with you
Proverbs 18:24 says
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
so thank you
for being that friend
for keeping me together
so i don't come to ruin
for becoming part of my family
and welcoming me into yours
i can't imagine my life without you.

this lack of communication
is leaving me wondering even more
it's not even that we're dancing
around the subject
we're at a stalemate
silence
i would rather the alternative
because at least then i would have
noise to distract me from
the bustle of my busy mind
running in every which direction
trying to find
where we stand
we weren't standing
when you kissed me
we were on your floor
listening to records
reading comics
and then everything stopped
when you kissed me,
all except my mind
which was racing
and my heart which was pounding
wondering if you kissed me
just because you were intoxicated
or because being intoxicated gave you
the little bit of courage needed
to close the gap between my lips and yours
or in that moment was there clarity?
because it really isn't clear to me
and i guess in a bit we'll see
where we stand
for now i sit in
the chaos of my curious mind
wishing i had even a clue
of where to go
from here.

people seem to approach me
in a matter where I am their....
prey
their is no such thing as "civil" war and so they
back me into a corner
defenseless and unsuspecting
of course i'm going to fall in the
hole
or step on the landmine
but if you expect me to get out
or get up
I'm going to need a helping hand
i don't see things from the same perspective
you're looking down on me
in a pit you pushed me into
and i'm looking up at you
trying to apologize
and get out
of this deep
dark
hole.

i'm a colorful person
i have a very colorful soul
i have eyes as blue as oceans
and boots as yellow as gold
hair that changes like the weather
an aura that's like a rainbow
and whenever we're together
i'm sure that my face glows.

how many steps would it take
to get to you
a little more than two blocks away
maybe a five minute walk
should i count them
i count the days of your absence
67
sixty seven too many
i miss your face
i used to see you every weekend
you're always so busy
too busy for me

I am the sun
And you are my moon
Our love always shines  
Brightening up even the darkest of nights