It hurts,
it aches,
it wrecks me whole.
No soul must know,
no soul can know.
But the pain is eating me whole,
inch by inch,
till darkness overwhelms my bones.
I bawled and I clawed,
at the flesh on my arms,
On my thighs,
Steaming hot water running down my chest,
Eyes full of hatred,
Tears full of despair,
Then I waited,
Hugging my knees under the cold shower,
For the marks to subside.
When I stood,
Water cascaded peacefully down my arms
My hands covered my ears,
And echos consumed me,
Memories started playing,
Images haunting and voices screaming.
It was suffocating,
So suffocating,
My head started banging against the cold tiles
But everything was clear,
The reason of all the pain,
Was a map that leads to me.
I crumbled yet again under the shower,
Voices rise in merry right out that door,
And I wailed a soundless plea of help,
Chanting their names like they'd turn and reach for me,
Like everything will be fine after.
But nothing will be fine,
Nothing will be fine at all.
I picked myself up,
Scrubbed myself down,
And stared at the mirror,
A smile plastered on,
staring right into my eyes,
And I smiled wider,
Grinned on the way to my room,
Smiled in the mirror and laughed,
Laughed as hard as I could,
And went about my day.