"I'm sorry" leaves my lips
More than "you're welcome"
Or "thank you"

It sits upon my shoulders
Weighing me down
A grief to drag on

It interrupts my thoughts
Pierces my points
Makes a mockery of me.

Yet I can't let it go
It keeps slipping out
"I'm sorry"

Every thought I have
Is a regret
A sin

Every action I take
Is a mistake
A joke

How can I ever be me
When all I can say is
"I'm sorry"

"For what"
They say
"For existing"

I'm sorry.

Your worth is not in others eyes
Or on the tip of their tongue
It's not in your wallet
Nor the clothing on your back

Your wisdom is not given out
On a year to year basis
Perhaps the simple thoughts
Of a toddler
Are wiser than
Those of a middle aged business man.

3 am and I'm wide awake
Tossing and turning in a bed too big
To soothe my lonely soul.
And as my mind wanders to you
And your arms around me
I begin to wonder if it's really you
I miss....
Or just being held.

My sick, twisted mind
Is starting to unravel
And I'm left with the fraying threads
Of my existence.

He looks at me, the corners of his mouth curling upwards. His eyes aimed at my lips.

****.

He takes a few cautious steps, arms out, like Jesus ******* Christ.

Save me.

He's close, so close. He dives as I swerve and tangle into him.

Oh.

We part, his face twists as he looks at me

"Why won't you let me be with you?" He whispers.

"Because I can't"

I can never tell if I'm hiding
Or just simply watching
Because it never seems to be either.
I just exist
I do not glimmer.

I wish the whirring in my head would stop.
Just like the joy did, years ago.
It's been so long since I've smiled for myself
Now I just grimace in a daze.

I'm tired you know?
Whatever I'm doing, it's exhausting.
I need time to catch my breath.
It seems I've left my mind back a few yards.

They say to fake it till you make it,
But I'm all out of false
I just want some honesty
Without a hint of doubt.