when it came down to the end, i should've seen it coming. cause even though you called me up every night, it was inconsistent. was that your subtle way of telling me that someday you would leave and never come back? i used to think that you talking about her hurt the most but, ****, nothing could compare to the pain of you walking out through that door. you saw how ****** up i was, and you left. how ******* unfair is that? you told me you were the person i should never feel insecure with; you would remind me again and again that you were there for me, said you'd never leave me. oh darling, really? i can't even count how many times you left and made me feel so **** unimportant. and maybe i'm just mad, mad that you left without a single word, mad that you left me looking so desperate and hopeless. but when it all comes down to it, i know it's my fault. i was the one who opened the door for you, the one who unknowingly pushed you out. and i know, i know i shouldn't feel sorry for myself because i did this, i made it happen but **** i don't even know how to decipher my feelings anymore. i can deny all i want and say i'm mad at you, but really i'm just mad at myself and how my irrevocable actions was a big factor on the way things played out. i love you, i really really do, but maybe we're just not meant for each other and it's ******* unfair how the universe brought us together only to tell us that no we do not belong with each other. you started a fire within me and i was always the happiest when talking to you, but then you left, and i was never quite the same. the fire inside of me died, leaving only sparks of memories of  what we used to be and what we could've been.

and i know it was my fault, the reason you left me.
i was to blame for trying to play a game.
i don't have a right to miss you, for i did this all to myself.
but i do. i still do.
and oh god thoughts of you still haunt me when it's 3 pm and i'm drinking a cup of coffee and i'm trying not to cry over the thought of you. i don't have the right to feel sorry for myself. it was my fault, it was my fault, it was my fault. i'm sorry, i'm sorry for being that stupid little girl who only thought of herself. but please come back, i miss you.

she acted like she didn't care, like it didn't bother her.
she acted like it's ok, like it doesn't even matter.
she still smiles and she still laughs, she has you fooled doesn't she?

Remember when we were best friends? You said you'd always be there.
Remember when You told me you'd never leave? You were the only thing I had.

And I miss you, so **** much because I have no one, I'm all alone in this world.

If I end this all, will I go to hell?
If I end this all, will you even care?

I think anything is better than staying here with these horrible thoughts.
I think anything is better than the painful reminder that I'm not good enough.

I'm not good enough for you, for my parents, for my friends.
I'm not good enough for anyone, not even my **** self.

And I wish you were here, I wish you were here to help me through it all.
But you're not and I guess I should just accept the fact that I'm too broken, too damaged,
For anyone to actually stay.

it's 3 am and I'm screaming for help, can you hear me?
it's 4 am and blood is pouring out of my skin, where are you?
it's 5 am and I'm crying so **** hard, you left me.
it's 6 am and I'm staring blankly at the ceiling, I miss you.
it's 7 am and I put on my sweater and my fake smile, you won't even notice me.
it's 8 am and I'm staring at you walking with her, I need you.
it's 9 am and I go to the clinic and pretend to be sick, I can't handle this anymore.
it's 10 am and I was sent home, I just want to end everything.
it's 11 am and I'm hungry, but I can't eat because you'll think I'm fat.
it's 12 pm and I give up and eat, and also hate myself a little more.
it's 1 pm and I'm sitting on the bathroom floor, I just puked out my guts.
it's 2 pm and I think of you and me and how we used to be, I miss you so **** much.
it's 3 pm and I'm staring at myself in the mirror, I look awful.
it's 4 pm and I'm staring at my phone, I'm waiting for you to call me.
it's 5 pm and I'm exhausted, I cry myself to sleep.
it's 6 pm and I wake up because of the shouts of my family fighting, pls come back I need you.
it's 7 pm and they tell me to eat, I don't eat.
it's 8 pm and I stare at my phone again, I'm still waiting for you to call.
it's 9 pm and my heart hurts, please I need you.
it's 10 pm and I'm reading our old messages, you said you'd never leave me.
it's 11 pm and I'm still waiting for you, I really miss you.
it's 12 am and I start crying, I'm not good enough for you.
it's 1 am and I feel like ****, she's much better than me isn't she?
it's 2 am and I really miss you, can we at least be friends?
it's 3 am and once again I'm sitting here broken, and you shattered me to pieces.

I hate you.
I hate every fiber of your being.
I hate how you wear your favorite black hoodie.
I hate how you look adorable when you bite your lip.
I hate how angelic your laugh sounds.
I hate how everyone seems to love you.
And when you dance? I hate how it comes so naturally to you.
I hate how you help everyone when they're in need.
I hate how everyone seems to love you.
I hate it.
I hate how nothing can ever look bad on you.
I hate how you're just so perfect!
I hate how warm your hand felt when I held it.
I hate it.
It makes me miss you and your presence.
I hate how you smell so good.
I hate how you always know the right thing to say,
But most of all I hate myself.
Because no matter how hard I convince myself that I hate you,
I just can't seem to hate you.
I don't know why but I wish I can just hate you because everything is simpler that way.