When I say I’m afraid of loving you
What I mean is I’m afraid of loving anyone
You are not the problem
I’m the broken one
With a bruised, twisted, knurled muscle
I barely recognise as my heart
How can I expect you to love me
When I can’t love myself

The things I’d like to do to you
Or more specifically
The things I’d like you to do to me
Up against the wall
Spread out on a table
A bed, yours or my mines
Any surface will do
As long as I get you, all of you
I won’t complain
I want it rough and fast
Or sweet and slow
Scratch that
On second thought the nastier the better

Run your fingers through my hair
Grip it firmly and bite my neck
I’ll run my nails against your back
Claws sinking into skin
We engulfed by wild passion
There is screaming and yelling
Nibbling and biting
I’m not sure who is loudest
But as we pound into each other into oblivion
I really don’t care
It hurts but you like it and that is what makes it so good

When I was little
The township we called home was the centre of my world
Our mud and zinc house was a Palace
My father it’s King
And we were his little princesses
My mother was just my mother
She wasn’t regal enough to be a queen

When I was little
We vacationed at centre of the universe
Nevermind that my grandparents farm lacked running water or electricity
And stood at the bottom of the valley
Surrounded on all sides by majestic hills
In comparison, it was just a stepping stone to the heavens
Even so, it was my heaven

When I was little
I looked to the heavens and I saw God
He wore a threadbare, leathery moonless night sky for skin
And had a cloudy facade with fallen stars for eyes
But when My God smiled
Sunlight shone through the cracks
And we all wanted to busk in his radiance

When I was little
My grandfather seemed a God
On cold winter nights, huddled around the fireplace
Stories of youthful escapades and adventures in the big city Spilled from his ambrosia loosened lips
Mesmerised by this linguistic wizardry
We hung onto every word as he switched from English to Afrikaans to Sesotho to Xhosa and back

When I was little
I was happiest lying in the sun
But than I grew up and the shadows were more inviting
Kingdoms fell and Gods became mere mortals
When I was little
The women in my family were merely extras to their male leads
But as I grew up they evolved into pillars
Holding up the roof their male counterparts have left to disrepair

I'm terribly depressed and nobody seems to notice
All are too busy wrapped up in themselves
My mother says it's my own fault for not listening when she told me to leave
My siblings couldn't be bothered 
They either too young to understand
Drowning their sorrows in drink
Or simply never around
My father, well he is another  story
He accuses me of poisoning him and holding him at knife point
According to him I'm the reason for  all his problems
I've unmanned him and killed my mother, who is surprisingly still alive
Now I ask you how am I an eighteen year old girl responsible for my father's manhood 
When I defend myself against him, my family all agree that I was in the wrong and he only a victim
It matters not to them that my fist do less damage than  his words have done to my sanity
They worship at his feet no matter what wrong he does them
It's not that they are blind to his faults, they choose to ignore them
They now see me as a substitute culprit to persecute in his place
My only crime being unwilling to let a bully dictate my life
It's true he has never raised a hand to me, but sometimes I wish he would
Cause surely it would hurt less than the words he flings so carelessly
It's true I've hit him and I make no excuses for myself
I've never held him at knifepoint, all I said was I'd **** myself
So it's no wonder I'm terribly depressed

Here is a poem to make you smile
And turn that frown upside down
I don't like seeing you sad
So smile through the heartache
Walk talk, head held up high
Shake that *** and show him
What he's missing out on
And as your friend
It will be my solemn duty
To keep reminding him
Till the day he dies or more realistically
Till we finish high school
So please smile because I am out of ideas

❤️❤️❤️❤️

My heart is in my windpipe
Cutting off all air supply
I try to speak
But all that comes out is a squeak
Every time you smile in my direction
My mind goes on a vacation
And my pride takes a spanking

❤️❤️❤️❤️

I try to open my mouth
But the words don't come out
And when I finally do speak
None of it sounds right
Every time I try to think of something witty to say
I keep drawing a blank
Cause when you smile in my direction
My mind takes a vacation

❤️❤️❤️❤️

It seems I fear rejection
As much as I fear your affection
I can't bare for us to be apart
As much as I can't stand being around you
I loathe the smiles you give to other girls
As much as I relish the moments
That same smile is directed at me
I fright for the time you no longer mine
Which is stupid considering
You never were, but most of all
I look forward to the times we haven't had
And those '' I love you '' s still to be

My heart bleeds for you
Who suffers day after day
During agonizingly long nights
Wrapped in a stifling blanket of sorrow
When sleep's warm embrace eludes
And the shadows start closing in
Threatening to envelope you in darkness

My heart goes out to you
As you wallow in self pity
Plagued by inner demons I couldn't begin to perceive
Warping and twisting thought until you convinced
All are against you even me
So that the dawn's golden glow
Is as unwelcome as the night's unyielding grip

For just as shadows flee before it
You are left feeling bare and vulnerable under the sun's judgemental glare
And suddenly you long for those oppressive shadows
But as the day progresses, the opposite becomes true

My heart bleeds because of you
Who uses words like arrows
That shoot at their target straight and true
You who blames the world for all your troubles
For you are never in the wrong
It's just the world trying to bring you down

So my heart runs away from you
Forced into hiding
It's boney cage the only thing keeping it from breaking
Suddenly I hate you for making me feel sorry for you
I finally see the coward you truly are
And now I am against you.