"You know you never talk to me, when I always tell you everything..."
And I kept silent then.
And I'll keep silent now
Even if my life reaches its end.
I can't trust you with my heart,
All its broken pieces barely holding together
Delicate
It's taken time for me to be so gentle with myself
It's taken time for me to feel warmth again
Should I open the doors to my heart again
I know you'll wreak havoc
Break down all that I struggled to piece together again

And maybe if I told you you'd slowly come to terms with it
But I do not plan to become collateral damage
Do not plan to expose my heart without a guarantee
Can you guarantee that you won't lash out at me like you always do?

I don't hate you for it
But don't expect anything more
I've closed the doors
And that is all

Sweet souled children
Youth to the soil of land woven
Here come those who dance and trample all over it
And what did these children do but
Unravel their petals in the sun
Roots intertwined, nowhere to run
Green, white, black and red
And all I can see is the rubble that envelops them
Even the vibrant red is greyed as their petals are dug up
As I scoop and scoop at the soil
Endlessly
And all the millions of children that remain underneath, in my hand only lays parts of one
Oh how I see the life leave your skin
Eyes unfocused and distant
Unmoving
And how I look at all these flowers of mine
Thriving and unharmed
How can I have children when
These dear red poppies vanish underneath
How can we continue to live with ourselves
As their parents lose these vibrant little things
Vying for life
Dying for life

And as these people dance upon the ground
Red, black, white and green
Under their feet
They smile at their accomplishments
And move on with their feat

Frown from within,
Deep is your sin,
Where would I begin,
Oh, you who sows chaos under my skin.

And sorrow grows exhausting,
Your actions ever flaunting.
Time and repetition no longer daunting,
As I wear a mask of anger,
Steeped in sadness, overflowing.

I hold the power now,
No longer drowning in my sorrow.

These feelings flow inside me
Like the ebb and flow of waves
Sea levels keep on rising
As I struggle to grow as well

So constantly overflowing, overwhelmed
How can I hold it all in?
It's fire and not water that you can quell

Suddenly I'm out of breath
I'm sinking under water
Clutching at my neck -
I'm pulled deeper

Fire put out,
Lightless depths hold me closer.
My body lays in its clutches -
No will to hope at all.
All that's left is but cold embers,
No memory of a time where fires burned bright.

I open my eyes to the waters again,
Sway along with current,
Rise and fall with the tide,
Get a hang of it all,
Learn it all by hand.

But can I learn anything worth learning at all?

And I'll fail and learn from my mistakes
Try to be accountable for burdening others when I can't hold back
Waters turn turbulent, receding from my grasp,
Rising high,
Slamming its weight down, relentless,
My mind lost, struggling to find direction,
And I'm left trying to gather it all,
Water dispersed,
Pushing myself to reach out,
Rebuild the scattered pieces,
Rekindle what was snuffed out
With the little space I've scraped for it.

Where am I going with this all?

And I might be drowning,
With the enormity of that which I still struggle to grasp.
But slowly I'll learn to breathe this cold water again,
And hold on till the very end.

The night draws me back into myself
Quiet, contemplative
Soaking in the events of the day in my mind
All the words said and left unsaid
All of that which I share
And all of that which I withhold

And it does not mean that privacy does not beget openness
For underneath one,
two and
three layers are
many layers more
Should one reveal all
To invite disrepair many times more?

However, in my daily privacy
My heart joins too
I find myself distanced from
Those near me too
And I wish it were not the way it were
But I bide my time
Comfortable in my self-peace

"Forgive me lord for I have sinned
No words forget that I beginned
To seek that which I could not have
To love whom I couldn't
Shouldn't

And my heart yearns"
And my heart learnt
That these feelings were remiss
How could I understand how these feelings
Cause kin to reject one another
Like how Moses parted the seas
And my heart mourns this lack of understanding
Mourns this preference for hatred within
What am I to do, with these feelings of mine
Silenced, to whispers we fling
Immerse ourselves in
And we sow with these words
Enmity long-lived
How could I begin to unravel
That which flows through the minds of many
As if intertwined impossible
Knotted from within

For I cannot cut down these thoughts
Stitch new threads in
And so I choose to let go
And yet hold it all in
Forgive me my Lord
And lay me in your favour
Your mercy holds me safe
Please love me and care for all that is hidden under my flesh and skin

So constantly these days
Do I think about the passing of time
Growing old
And all that I've left behind
So often do I wish to revisit what went by
Companionship that gave me peace of mind
In my own unique way
Our own unique way
And I sigh all that I hold for you
Into the words I write
For our time together remains with me forever