If my dream state
was in charge of my awakened form
I would contort and transition--from mouse
to praying mantis
to your eyelashes
fanning out your dewy dropped ache
Offering permission
allowing all of your pain to taper
trickle down to nose
down to  curved lip
down to chin
avalanching onto breast bone

And what if I was a megaphone
Or a confident white man
in some overrated leadership position
Or a scooped out couch cushion
I would let you sit in the same spot for years
I would stand at the podium
and declare that I have never felt alone
or insecure
or flattened out
or in yearning to trace the calic in your hair
or a triangle of *** and feminism and woman

Could you imagine if we were voyeuristic with our touch
with our chaos
with our close eyed kisses
with our eye contact
conversations

The world would not be able to handle any of it
at least our world.

You bring out the fear in me, the unbearable panic in me
You bring out the weakness and the white flag
The constant feeling of worry and the need to be prepared
You bring out the negative in me, the what ifs and terrible endings
The constant anticipation of how to stop you from ruining me
You bring out the paralyzing fear in me that leaves me breathless
The tingles that spread through my hands, my arms and chest and into my stomach
slowly reaching my face, starting at my nose then spreading under my eyes
they start to twitch and my hands begin to cramp up towards my body
My muscles contracting and tightening within their free will
pretty soon my shoulders tighten up and my body is stiff and im unable to move
I can hardly breathe.....
My chest is tight and its hard to get a good breath.... I'm unable to talk..
All i can do is cry....
But this isn't the only thing you bring out in me.
You bring out the fighter in me, the side of me that doesn't want to give in. You bring out the strength that i must remind myself that i still have
You bring out the side of me that wants to understand you, that doesn't want to fear you
You bring out the DON'T STOP ******* FIGHTING in me
I wish to understand you, i know there is no getting rid of you
I want  to be able to live everyday normal..
I don't want to have that thought in the back of my mind "what if my anxiety picks up today"
I want to be happy and go on with my day and not even have to think about you.
I want to be better, i want to be strong, i want to be in control... but maybe that's it.. maybe your here to show me i cant always be in control?
Sometimes i cry because you bring out the confusion in me and the helplessness.. the fearful child that doesn't know what to do, sometimes i feel it would be easier to end it all... but i cant imagine leaving everyone i love behind... it just ***** that you bring out these thoughts and feelings.. sometimes i don't even know what I'm feeling.
I just want to be happy again

from the dead embers
flickering, a blue flame
leaps up and dies
the final wisp
twisting, writhing
disappearing
into the night breeze