Whyfakeasmile

Whyfakeasmile May 28

flowers

He loves me

He loves me not

I turned my head towards the sun

And this is what I got

He says I'm so mature

And he looks so proud

But there’s something behind those eyes

Maybe this isn’t allowed

I feel like I’m supposed to be something

Not just his little girl

But I've emptied my stomach on the floor

And the ceiling starts to swirl

He promised I’d be safe

And I promised I’d trust him

He made my guts spill out

But the truth is grim

Spiders on my skin

Blood down my thighs

He’s staring at me

Like I'm a carnival prize

What is this feeling,

Of wanting to crawl out of my skin?

All my dreams turned nightmares

The man who was my prince

Forget me

Forget me not

Floating in space

Lying on a cot

I’ve been dried out

I’ve been left hollow

Someone picked off my thorns

And left me to wallow

Sorrow,

What does that mean?

Left to wander

In the spaces between

Or is it a feeling I don’t have

This numbness in my fingers

The absence of feeling,

Something that always lingers

You can’t revive a flower

By cutting of the dead parts

For we have a brain,

Nerve endings, and a heart

Half gone blossoms

Laid out in a field

Stuck in a world,

We view as surreal

He loved me

He loved me not

My head turns to shadows

And this is what I got

Whyfakeasmile May 9

After All These Years

I still have hopes
I still have regrets
I have scars from guitars
And scratches from the frets
I still have dismantled pencil sharpeners
Sitting in my trash can
I still have trophies
From races I never ran
I still have the belt
I used to measure myself with
But perfect perfection
Might be a myth
I still have fears
I still have cares
I have a defective brain
And a need for repairs
I still have diary entries
From years long ago
I still have scars
That I will never show
I still have Valentine’s Day cards
I kept from second grade
And I could have told someone
But I was afraid
I still have thoughts
I still have autonomy
I have control
Over what I’m gonna be

I've had this in my drafts for forever

#selfharm #control #poetry

Whyfakeasmile May 8

The Beauty in What Remains

There is something beautiful about a corpse

When the car hits the deer

And its flesh disappears

And no one bothers to interfere

When only the bones remain

And vines start to consume it

You see the way that it sits

And the way its skull splits

There is something beautiful about rust

When the pavement cracks

The metal breaks from the impact

When nature overtakes the train tracks

When you look out the car window

And see an old building

You know there’s a story drifting

Where the flowers begin wilting

There is beauty in what remains

In the bones and abandoned places

The rails and the rib cages

When you live in the in-between spaces

wrote this on impulse

#death #poetry

Whyfakeasmile May 7

Paper

I imagined love like a book

Each page filled with turns

A love that is scary

A love that burns

I imagine her like paper

Delicate but sharp

Forever folded and creased

A paper white heart

Scars dance along the veins on her wrist

Running down like a river

She has a notepad stomach,

A paper brain and a liver

I wanted love like a picture book

But that’s hard to find

And she is perfect in every way

From her cover to her spine

She's fragile like paper

But she has a story like a book

And I go white like parchment

When she gives me that look

She was a blank canvas,

A fresh start

An escape from the past,

That stole my heart

But still, she keeps her guard up

Always keeps her distance

A thin veil

That I fell through with little resistance

She is a paperback book

And I read her every night

Fingers littered with papercuts

She was a poem I didn’t write

She is a paper girl

And I have an origami heart

But I’d fall for her

Even though we’re chapters apart

#love #crush

Whyfakeasmile May 7

D E A D

H E A D I N T H E C L O U D S

V O I C E I N Y O U R M I N D

I F E E L F U Z Z Y

I F E E L W H O L E

M Y B O D Y ‘ S O N T H E F L O O R

M Y S P I R I T F L O A T S A B O V E

I F E E L B L U R Y

I S E E N O T H I N G

I A M DEAD

D E A D

DeAd

dead

dead dead dead dead dead dead dead

#dead

Whyfakeasmile May 7

no more

Somethings are not as they seem

Pencils are used to hurt

Hands are used to distract

Scratching out unspoken words

Save me from this pitiful act

Screaming until I’m raw

“It's all in your head”

Crying hurts and breathing's hard

Constantly regretting the things I said

Lying awake until the sun rises

Failing grades

Participation prizes

Painful methods

Tried and true

But I just need control

I’ll come crying to you

Just one more day

Just one more cut

One last time

Blades turned blunt

The burning sensation on my wrists

The control I feel

The ignorant bliss

It only hurts when you stop

Stop and think

“Is this wrong”

It only hurts me

“Yes, I’m fine”

I can fix it

Give me more time

Time to think

Time to breathe

Time to stop

They tell me so

I shouldn’t have told them

I’m hurting them more

Now I’m on their minds

Collapsed on the floor

No more

No more

No more

I beg and beg

Brain clouded with thoughts

“You deserve this”

I’ll just cover up the spots

Hiding the scars

Hiding from me

Band-aids and tissues

There's no breaking free

“I should have shut up”

“I should have talked more”

“You’re so pathetic”

“Such a bore”

Leave me alone

I just want to sleep

Thinking of things

I’d rather not speak

I deserve this

Most have it worse

Screaming and screaming

My voice turns coarse

Cover up my arms

No one will know

I hide out in my room

This anger starts to overflow

Mad at myself

Mad at the world

I hate my body

Eating until I hurled

I’m so tired

Everyone, everything

Left by myself

Left alone to think

Alone with my thoughts

“You only cause pain”

I can’t take it

I think I’m going insane

No matter what’s happening

Something drags me back

Back to the sadness

Pounding until I crack

Snap

Oops there goes my head

Used to see black

Now I see red

No one knows what I do

Behind locked doors

Cutting and scrapping

Just one more

Can’t think no more

Can't do no more

Hahahaha

Laughing so I don’t cry

Bottom of the barrel

Just getting by

Stormy nights

Drown out the thoughts

Block out the noise

My stomach’s in knots

Just breathe

no one knows

Is that good or bad?

I feel hollow

Use me up

Take me now

I can’t live like this

But I chose this

I want to scream

Blood on the floor

But I chose this

Crying

No more

No more

But I chose this

Sobbing on the floor

But I choose this

There is no escape

Trapped in the dark

Lovely weather,

Isn’t it?

Reaching for anything sharp

Reaching for peace

Reaching for kindness

For something that’s not there

How could I have been so blinded?

Truth be told

The world still spins

But I remain frozen

Trapped in this skin

All skin and bones

“You’re so skinny”

“You’re so lucky”

So why don’t I feel pretty?

“Eat less”

“Eat more”

Conflicting voices

An internal war

Boom

Goes the cannon

Snap

Goes my head

Cracking until I bled

Filling me with dread

Blurry vision

I can’t think straight

Can't focus

Watch your weight

Maybe I did like it better

Back when I was unhealthy

I was vomiting up my food

But at least I was pretty

Tiptoe down the stairs

Don't make a sound

They can’t know you’re hurting

If you don’t tell them now

Blurry faces

Forgotten names

Splitting skull

Wrapped in chains

I can't do this anymore

I need someone

Someone to see

Someone to love

Someone to hear my plea

But no one can help

If I don’t tell them

I’ll go with the flow

Follow the algorithm

Nothing ever changes

No one ever sees

Pretty little head

Filled with worries

Snap

Oops

Now I’m gone

It’s too late

I wish I was never born

No more

No more

No more

Sorry this one's so long

#selfharm #eatingdisorder #depression #vent

Whyfakeasmile May 4

Headlights

I'm the girl who obeys
Who does what she's told
I never run or fight
My brain always controlled
Sleek brown coat
Big doe eyes
Prancing through the forest
I was caught by surprise
You were beautiful
Controlled by emotion
I was mesmerized
I didn't see the corrosion
I don't struggle against you
I think I want to live
I know you're angry
And I hope you'll forgive
I stare into the lights
I stare at an escape
I do what you ask
And never make a mistake
Your car barrels towards me
I stay where I am
Maybe in the next life
I won't be as ******
I cant run away
I'll stand there frozen
With my chest on display
I'll lay on my back
With my heart exposed
It's like I'm already dead
Like my body's decomposed
The road rumbles beneath me
I see a better life
A way to finally please you
So l lean into the knife

This is to raise awareness about domestic abuse

#domesticabuse #domesticviolence #abuse