Dear past self,

I hope you're doing alright

Though I know you aren’t

I hope someday you’ll sit down to write

Or pick up your guitar and,  

Know that you’ll be okay tonight

I know you treat that bed like a tomb

And your family is worried about you

Your face becomes gaunt  

Your brain dies doing an assignment that's long overdue

And someday you’ll forget about cliques

And that toxic friend group,  

And learn to speak out about the subjects,

That are considered taboo

Someday you’ll put down the blade

And learn that you don’t deserve pain

That those girls shouldn’t beat you down

And maul you until only your bones remain

I hope you know that you won't ever be perfect

Because beauty is hard to maintain,

When the voices get louder

And you’re going insane

But past self,

I hope that someday you read this,

And know that you will escape

You will crawl out of that abyss

And when you do,

Know that I’m proud of you

I stayed up till 2 AM

With nothing but daydreams,

Where I took you to a hidden spot in the forest

A garden concealed between the seams

We listened to Montell Fish

With our fingers sewn together

Something floats along the stream

Like a cardinal feather

The pavement cracks

And flowers grow from it

I wanna tell her I love her

But that’s hard to admit

We lay in the grass

Looking at the sky

Between the crooked trees,

The blue starts to cry

I remember that day,

You ran up to me in the parking lot

You told me I was beautiful,

And my heart stopped

I don’t know if you love me too

Because I can’t think when you’re around

When I felt your arms framing my waist

I swear I could have drowned

You ran up and hugged me

And I’ll never forget

The way your eyes stared into mine

And your arms around my silhouette

What I hate most about this,

Is that we never confessed

And I’ll never get to know

If you also felt your heart,

Thumping hard in your chest

But I stayed up till 2 AM

With nothing but empty schemes

And I lie awake

Hoping you aren’t just a dream

I liked the color red

So, I cut myself open

I hated myself

So, I relied on others devotion

There comes a point in life

When you think you need the knife

Cause you really thought you were broken

I stay in a state

Stuck where my minds set to survive

Where I just need to stay awake

Stay healthy and stay alive

Because when you're broken beyond repair

And your mind has no manual

And that fit of depression

No longer becomes annual

You say “what the hell”

And throw it all away

Your relationships die out

Your texts are just “Oks”

I liked the color blue

So, I forced myself to drown

I hated disappointing others

So, I hid my famous frown

With my head in the clouds

And my mind bleeding out

I turned to silence

Not a cry or a shout

Green's a peaceful color

But it can get pretty annoying

I thought I was being productive,

But it’s myself I was exploiting

They thought I was pretty

People preoccupied by my purity

A praetor of perfection

But now I’ve lost my security

I liked the color orange

So, I kept myself occupied

Submerged myself in lights and loud noises

My mind colonized

I find something peaceful in panic attacks

Feeling the air leave my lungs

Eyes wild

Feeling shaky cries abandon my tongue

Colors spin in my brain

Painting my thoughts

A mess of swirling shades

That contribute to my memory loss

Red,

Blue,

Orange,

A terrifying view

A terrifying truth

Something that can’t be spoken

I hate the color red

Yet I still cut myself open