It surprises me,
How often I'm alone.
How often I feel lonely.

Even with two partners.
Life won't just let me exist with them
He's on first shift.
I'm on second shift.
I get to tuck him into bed after work.
They work third shift.
He gets off work, I'm working.
They wake up and he's home.
They get the evening.
I get home and they're working.
I tuck him into bed for work in the morning.
And again I am alone.

They sleep during the day,
He works.
I am alone.
I'm tired of being alone too.

When you are [suicidal],
Every single item runs through your mind.
Of course first its the medicine cabinet.
And then the guns.
Before the knives, razors better yet.

Rope will cross your mind,
But then again so will a cotton tie.
The steering wheel has always been in the back of your mind.
After you live alongside it, you begin to imagine more.

Today I notice:
A small sewing needle laying idle on my desk.
I notice the way it is thin and easy to swallow,
Just like my morning goulash of meds.
I notice how it's small but not small enough.
Not small enough to not puncture my organs.
Small enough to swallow.
Large enough to not come back.
And when this thought crosses my mind I imagine:

I begin to choke,
It hurts just like my entire life has stung.
It sears me from the inside out.
I know it's the end.

Blood spurts up and out my throat.
My eyes burn with the last tears I'll ever cry.

I see myself gripping my throat, instinct kicking in.
I imagine the feel of the needle making its way down,
Slicing me alive.
Or Maybe getting stuck.
For my choke and die.
I see the life drain from my own eyes.

And instead of distress when this came across my mind.
I felt at ease.

I am ready for bed.
I am ready to sleep.
Please let me Rest In Peace.

Have you ever grieved a relationship...
One that hasn't actually happened?

One you've hoped for,
Dreamed for even.

To grieve my person
While they stand beside me holding my hand...
Is a wild experience.

I wanted everything.
With you.
I want none without.

And though you want me,
It's not the same.
It's not enough.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you forget.

I ask for something...
You say you'll give it.
Then you give it to the person next to me.

I want everything with you.
You want everything.

How do I grieve what I can't have?
Never had with you,
Yet dreamed in my head...

How do I accept your love,
The way you want to give it to me?
When I want so much more?

I guess I just have to let that dream go...