i always say i wouldn’t care if you died but honestly i’ve never really thought about it. would somebody call me to tell me? would it be your mother? who would apologize first? would i cry? would i feel relieved? would i blame myself? would i still be as angry as i am or would i have to figure out a way to let it go and move on? would i be invited to your funeral? would i go? it would probably be the nice thing to do considering who i am but i don’t want to be that girl anymore. if i only heard about it in passing or through gossip in the hallways, would i pretend that i didn’t care? like i didn’t even know you? would i feel sad? what would i even be mourning? the boy i knew, the boy i loved died a long time ago. would this be the closure my therapist always talks about? how would you go? i bet it would be doing something stupid. or maybe you actually followed through and really did ******* shoot yourself. who would find you? what if it was your little brother? if he saw me in the streets, would he hug me? would we cry together? or would i just feel awkward? so i guess i should stop saying that i hope you die because i don’t know if i do i just wish that you never existed, at least in my head.

on your 15th birthday you took my virginity. on your 16th birthday you threatened to beat me to death but i kissed you anyway because i wanted you to be happy. it's your 17th birthday, i hope its good i guess. my family used to do this thing at birthday parties where after singing the traditional happy birthday song to whoever deserved it respectively, we would sing the merry unbirthday song from alice in wonderland to everybody, it was fun and it was weird but its what makes my family my family. you ******* hated it. you thought it was stupid, and it made me sad but when we would go to parties together id decline when they'd call me up for my turn to blow out the candles, just to impress you. the first birthday party i went to after you left me i asked them to sing the unbirthday song to me twice. i guess i just wanted to say that i've fallen in love with a boy that lets my family scream the unbirthday song at him and my sister rub frosting on his face and he is sincere when he tells me he loves it. i'm doing great, and i don't know i just hope this birthday is better for you than ones in the past have been. don't threaten to **** anyone please, and don't get so drunk that you start crying to journey and calling all of your ex girlfriends.

There's this mountain that you can hike up. There's a spot where you can see the whole valley. It's beautiful. When I'm up there, I feel invincible. I'm higher than everyone and no one can ruin my mood. Normally, people hike up there with someone they really care about. The last time I did, I went with a boy that I really like. We were sitting at the top and I was looking over the valley. He was sitting there looking at me. I asked him why he was looking at me and he said "You're really pretty. You're desirable." When he said that, I realized that we have different opinions of things that are beautiful. I was admiring the view of all the lights and he was admiring me. He is great.

There are hundreds of stereotypes. In my opinion, the most true one is about cheerleaders. Honestly, every cheerleader I have ever met is a *****. They will tear you down to where you're nothing and you hate yourself. I have had a bad experience with a cheerleader. The reason she got mad at me was because I ACCIDENTALLY stepped on the back of her flip flop. I apologized but she didn't care and gave me a ***** look. Luckily, I have a pretty good friend in that class and he kind of stuck up for me and called her a name. She definitely lived up to that stereotype though. Maybe it's just pointless high school *******. I don't know. I ******* hate her.

Everyone has a best friend. They're the person that will do anything to see you smile. They'll always be there for you. They will be the one person that you can tell everything to and be completely comfortable with it. Maybe they'll make you mix tapes and surprise you with coffee and just want to hang out. If you're lucky, they'll stick with you no matter what. They can be that one person that you call at 3 A.M. crying because of a boy and they'll just listen. My best friend has brought me coffee unexpectedly, made me mix tapes, and let me complain to him at random hours throughout the night. I love him and i don't honestly know if he realized how much i really do care for him.

I am not afraid of love.
I am afraid of being hurt beyond repair.

I am afraid of giving my all to one,
Who may not always be there.

I am afraid of losing myself
And never finding my way back.

I am afraid of falling in love--
If you aren't falling back.

I keep planning conversations in my head
About pointless things or serious things
Ideas and planning
I always end up talking to you
I play a movie in my head of the scenes that might happen with every move I make
I think about what I would say and do if I got married to you " **** them all we did it!"
Or the conversation I would have if I met your dad and I was telling him what I liked to do "well that's a tough question I have a lot of angles to me"
Or the tougher conversations
Like having the conversation about us being official " this would be easier if we were ACTUALLY dating"
Most of these conversations never work out as planned, they never say the right things to set up my whole internal monologue and relinquish it all at once in a rehearsed flood.
I care about having the conversation that I think most about
"Can you stop being so mean?" "Can you stop lying to me?" "Tell me how you feel" "what do you want from me?" "Why do you even like me?" "Why did you come back into my life?" "Why can't you tell me how much you love me all the time?" "Why don't you ever tell me you're sorry?"
But I never get an answer in my head or in my life
It's just another one-sided conversation that I will have in my head