Be loved by you? - there is no chance, not even hope, precarious and shaky,
But I will face my fortune with a smile, you'll never know that I faked it.

I have tried to fly
but don't think it's for me
trying on wings
just so i could see

Most they were pretty
and some of them small
but this little bear
couldn't fly at all

Some were so grand
and some were just plain
i tried them all on
again and again

And each time i tried
to fly in mid air
it didn't feel right
being way up there

So i'll leave it to those
who have their own wings
and let them fly high
where their music sings

And most little bears
just want to be free
to wander the woods
so that's where i'll be

And I will stay here
i'll make my own sound
and sing my own song
where my feet touch the ground.

???

I keep spilling all my blood
Every little drop of me another word
My arteries are highways to your heart
My veins becoming empty
My heart is on display
And let the critics say as they want

I keep cutting into my skin
With proverbial knives sharpened quick
My organs regurgitating hymns
My stomach tied in nots
My brilliance burning bright
In an effort to become the dawn

I keep killing myself
Everyday speaks as my proof
My dreams are beautiful music
My goal an opened eastern wall
Don't worry if I'm hurting
My pain is all for glory

And its only when I can give of myself no more
When all my skin is spent
And my bursting head is split wide open
I'm giving my all
Even if it kills me
Don't worry I am dying but it makes me happy

June 17, 2006 was my golden birthday; as it was the year I turned 17.
Senior year was to start in a mere 2 weeks- I’ve already started dreaming of how my life would be.

Curfew extended because I was almost grown…
Prom night dance and tearful graduation hugs..
Youthfulness that’ll depart slowly while at University..
I even dreamed of meeting my future husband to be..

But August 2, 2006 had other plans in mind; as it was the last time I saw my mommy alive.
Life changed so quickly then- she was buried on the 8th and I moved to Baltimore by the 10th.

I became a shell of who I used to be- no longer living in my perfect shaped fantasy.
It’ll be ten years in a couple of months, and every summer uninvited depression slowly comes.

Memories, segmented strands of my history
Etched on my cerebral mess so deep and chaotically
Impressions and sensations linking past and present
With futures contemplation the calculations are not so evident
Memory a powerful brew stewing in my mind
Bittersweet lover that frequently looses time
And only relative realities are left to find
Lying with distorted and partial truths
Loving with my long departed youth
Memories will die
As will you, as will I

I love the sound of laughter.
It is the sound of despairs defeat;
Enemy now fallen to the side with no ill will.
Chuckles Bounce back and forth volley per volley
Set match and serve has made you smile.
There is less stress in the sound of laughter.
Tensions easing out of our bouncing bodies.
Spirit safely restored with a strong sense of pride and dignity.
Even if it cost me mine,
As I take a tumble or make a frantically funny face,
Laughter is endearing knowing by hearing that here there is just for a second a little less hate.
Laughter can mark each moment with new lessons learned,
Or simply take away a tid bit of pain.
I love the sound of laughter cause when it’s good,
It echoes from stranger to stranger to stranger ,
In danger of engulfing the entire room.
It is ironic, it is unexpected, and it is easier than an ******.
Give me laughter or give me death.
Preferably laughter, please.