isn't it crazy how
in the blink of an eye
one split second decision
can set off a
spiral of beauty
and pain
and sacrifice
and affection,
all wrapped in to one time bomb
of a relationship
with a fast approaching expiration date?

If this is what I have to do then I may as well admit it to you, if no one else. Because you, the person in my head, the one I always talk to instead of real people in the world... you may be the only one who sees me for who I am. Broken and hurting and falling with no safe place to land. It's hard for me to show you why I'm stuck here in this place, but the easiest way to put it is the hardest thing to say. I loved him. I love him still. It's forcing back against my will, I push, it shoves, I'm falling down, my head has lost its mental crown. For in this state I do not own the thoughts I have; you can relate- I am their slave, as you are mine. I manipulate the way you perceive me, and they force me to feel this way as well. Just as I do, they can deceive me, and force me how this way to tell. I do not want to love him now, but I can't find the strength I need to muster to push him away. The longer he's here, the faster it stays. You see the problem? I know I do, it's hard for me to admit to you because I don't want it to be a problem! I want to hold him close at night, I want to feel close beside me, and his warmth and soft embrace- there was a time he set the pace, and I followed. But now it seems he's only pulled away enough for his own mental anguish to desist, while I am left to ponder on this list of reasons I still feel attached, and my heart to his is latched. I only wish for freedom, but know I am not willing to take back my own kingdom if it means dethroning him, for he leads so well. But when he leaves my mind throbs and swells in a state of mental discourse between myself (and you of course), and him and them and everyone who tries to feed my ways to cope. But I don't need their games- it's all a joke, with the punch line being: I'll still love him, all said and done. Someday when we both find someone he will be happy, as will I, and likely the truth is as you say; the best doctor is time. Behind these mental prisons there are tunnels I have dug, and deep inside one a small hope remains snug that somewhere far along the path he and I will cross and laugh at how we thought it wouldn't be and yet it seems he's there for me and we will walk along together, facing storms and dreary weather... because like I said, all along he's been the one inside my head. And perhaps I've been in his. But now it's time to leave that dream, buried deep within this hole. I cannot visit it, it seems it will only hold me back once more. You understand, don't you? How I have to do this alone? I know you want to help me here, but if he picks up the phone, it will only be me- one voice, one sound. Telling him that I have found I have to fire him from this position of entitlement he's found over my being, over myself. Of course, he doesn't know he's there- he never did anything wrong.... all of these things I've come to find, I've placed him there within my mind. I love him, I loved him, and I do still. Its all against my will. I may deceive you more, but at least understand- I've tried to shut the door. It will close itself when it is ready, which may be now.

It's times like these when you look to the rest of your life and say, "what am I supposed to do with this", so you throw it at a wall and see if it sticks. Because life is far too long and far too hard, and at a snail's pace we don't get very far.... it's like regression to childhood; being lost in a large neighborhood, and uncertain of which turn to take- that's every **** choice you make. There's no way to know how to make it better, we just keep walking and getting wetter as the storm gets harder and we get farther from finding answers......

The spaghetti test in terms of life, I suppose, a way to see if all this strife is worth the outcome we seek. Because life is definitely NOT for the meek. Those who abandon heart will never see the light, for life requires such a fight. But  unlike pasta growing soft in water, if we wish to persist we have to be stronger- and throwing life to see if it sticks only works if we cease and desist at trying to remain hard and fast, and pushing up against coming last.

I can’t seem to understand
Why this same
**** song
Plays in my head.
It isn’t even a good song
Not the kind that fills you
With jubilation, freedom
No.

(I took a walk today and saw a man in a wheelchair trying to cross the road. I thought a car was going to hit him but he made it across)

This **** song
Leaves me barren.
It takes everything from me;
my love, my happiness-
It leaves me barren.

(People can’t seem to understand that if I stop for you to go, you shouldn’t stop for me to go. Then we just both stand for longer.)

I wish it would stop playing
But right when it ends
It repeats again.
And I don’t turn it off…
I’m waiting for it to turn itself off.

(Oh, and while we’re talking about it, I miss playing the piano. I miss making the music on my own.)

Maybe the more I talk about the
**** song
The more likely it will be to
Go away.
The song is shy, and I am not afraid of it
It should be afraid of me.

It is late. Time is slipping still
Right through my fingers.
Hard against my will
This taste of liquor lingers,
Urging me to take a drink and
Lose myself. But then I find
His fingertips gently brush hands
When his soul is absent from mind.
In a free fall, he sees
What I know. The whisky illuminates
The path between the trees,
The path we walked in many states-

I stood on his toes
And we danced.

At some point I’ll
Have to come to terms with this reality

At some point I’ll
Need to make peace with your absence

At some point I’ll
Turn around and find myself breathing-

That’s when I can say I made it;
When I can breathe and walk and feel
Without you

I’m there now
              I think
Just don’t want to admit it,
For fear that acceptance
Of your absence
Is release
Of potential
And the coming
Of the inevitable
The end

The following
shall be omitted;

Existential dread,
Fear
      of the past
                  present
                       future,
Lack of sovereignty,
Knowledge of evil,
       (Acknowledgement of such)

I couldn’t care less.
Could care less means
you care
          Thus: caring shall be omitted,

Anxiety,
Boundaries,
General thought,
                 omissions must be made

Please retain intelligence
          and a small capacity for
emotion.