I've caused pain that I myself would never be able to comprehend.
Guilt has engulfed me to a point where my every decision is somehow confirmed by it.
Or better yet I'm pushed forward or motivated by it.
I hurt because I hurt so badly
I loved sincerely even though it wasn't meant to happen.
I don't regret what I felt, I regret not showing it.
Even if I were given the chance to I still wouldn't.
I'd lose so much and I'd be stripped of my "grounded principals"
Oh Lord I apologize for entertaining the devil and spitting on your face.

I don't know if you love me anymoreI'm trying to find pieces of you in every human that thinks they love me and I want to see feel and experience you.
Only you!
It's unfair on my personal growth, let me go..
Can you remain in the past where I no longer have to make reference to your existence in my life.
Ever
You hurting me, by doing nothing at all but claiming to love me and me alone.
Do you know you've kept me sacred but damaged me in more ways than one.
You've loved me past my own understanding but have failed to be there when even your mere silence and actual presence would be appreciated.
God I love you more than anything in this world,
I miss you but I don't think I ever want to see you again.
Flourish, you deserve success to the core.
You've silently motivated me and for that I'm truly grateful,let me attempt to move one step up the ladder and prove a point to myself..
I can make it, even without you lurking at the back of my mind cheering me on.

I'm afraid of my stretch marks and I don't even understand their existence.
Worse part is that these lines, these stupid red, purple ,black or whatever colour they decide to settle into after countless application of lies sold to me over the counter are results of body change.
If I knew I'd grow into stretch marks I would've thought twice about this whole developing thing..or probably would've gone on some diet at a tender age
I've trained my mind to remember each time I undress (which is a lot)  how to unlove these lines of growth.
I mean I'm conflicted at times, I see beauty in what has been proclaimed as ugly and then I find myself in some mental corner trying to rock my imbalanced emotions back and 4th .
What scares me the most is this endless expectation people have of my body. " **** you have a beautiful body" news flash it's not! It's filled with those colourful confused as to which colour really lines , " I'd love to see you in a bikini", geeez I'd love to see me in a bikini.
"You're beautiful, stop with this low self esteem thing, it's unattractive" I'm basing things on facts, be gone with your fairy tale kinda love its cute 100  stadiums away..or 1000 I don't know.
See I want **** in my own version, the kind that makes me want me!  
And these lines are disturbing me from the bigger picture.
"Girlfriend don't stress, I've got them too it's a natural thing when you gain unnecessary weight or whatever" now am I supposed to be content or happy coz my entire squad has got these colourful lines.
I'm sure if we All stood naked in front of a large mirror with our bums facing the mirror it would look like a rainbow drawn and coloured in by a five year old , confused as to which crayon would look good and then settling for the most depressing shades
I want them gone!

Your unforgiving scent always has a way of punishing me!
In your arms lies forgiveness,
Your shirt is willing to give me a second chance.
The warmth of your neck and punishing cologne that never seems to fade, there too lies forgiveness.
Forgive me!
Hold me!
I can't bare this punishment any longer.
I want to be in your arms.
Your scent doesn't want to fade away,
Worse part is that it triggers memories I thought were long forgotten.
It awakens senses I was so sure had died.
Just hold me
Now!

This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the **** tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like ***** and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.