Why is it that so many people remind me or you?
The same style accent
The same hair
The same aesthetic
The same name,
That **** name
Since I left everyone has it
I’ve brought a curse into myself

I thought leaving would make it all better
But now I’m just so so confused
I don’t know what love is anymore
Happiness is sparse
Motivation is gone

So let me say:
I’m sorry for the pain I’ve given
I’m sorry for the happiness I’ve taken
I could’ve been nicer, I thought I shouldn’t
Just let me go please now
Let me get better
I get it, I ruined a lot of things

But just because someone leaves doesn’t always make them the bad person
We were both bad in our own ways, I’ll own ip to being that way

Please, let me go.

Feeling empty is much different from what people think it is
It feels like the blood had been drained from me
From the tips of my toes, to the top of my head
I feel as if there is a gaping hole in me
A hot air balloon running out of air, with no clue where the hole is to patch

I’ve tried filling the emptiness
But it’s more than a hole of emptiness
It’s a vortex, a black hole
It will take and take but will never be satisfied
Because satisfaction was never the end game for it.

I am a vortex
I want to fill my emptiness
So I drag others and items and anything close to me
Because I keep thinking “This will make me happy, this will satisfy me”
And yet each time, I forget about the item, I hurt the person, and I hurt myself.

I hope someday, I’ll meet another vortex, because maybe two of us will make things better
Or maybe that will just be more destructive
Who knows.

To anyone who I cross paths with:
I’m sorry you must now rebuild the land that is your mind
That you must now reconstruct that thing that was your heart
I will never be able to satisfy your need for my apology
Because the only satisfaction, is for my vortex to end.
I’m not sure how to do that.

Why does my stomach still clench at the thought of you,
Why does the pain of the past still feel fresh,
Why do I still care how you’re doing,
Why do I feel?

I was a ****, I still am
Sorry I had to be so harsh at the end,
I figured being harsh would push you far enough away to hurt less,
Yet here I am months later with the same regrets.
Now the only thing I can still think,
Is was it actually love?

I think I’m attaching to someone again
Ugh I don’t want to do this
I don’t want to hurt them by how I am now
I am NOT looking to be with someone
I can’t be with someone
I don’t like hurting and breaking people
To anyone I may meet, please know
I’m sorry.

I’m not sure what this “love” is anymore
I’m pretty sure I had it at one point, I did
But uh, love gets messy right?
I’m not too sure what love is anymore
Because I’ve messed up the meaning of it for myself
Even when you have love, well sometimes you have to let it go
No matter how much you cry and scream to yourself in the mirror
It won’t fix everything
So, this is why
I do not want people to love me.

People have strange fears
Mine is myself
At this point I just feel like somebody else
Thought I knew my own feelings
Now I’m just confused
I feel as if someone else is in control
Of my own body?
No that doesn’t make sense
Because I am me
But my memory slips all the time
And I feel less alive
I am just Here.

Stop asking for whom I love
I do not feel that
I only feel numb
Stop trying to upset me when I feel nothing
No clue what you’re trying to do
But it’s something
Scream, cry, beg; whatever
Your punches feel light like feathers
Be angry all you want and sad
I don’t feel anything anymore
Hah.