I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

The moment you forget.
Mind wanders with regret.
Eyes blurred, lose focus.
“What’s my current purpose?”

Is spontaneous enough?
Chasing a dream, tough.
As a child we rushed,
what was all the fuss?

The lost moment finds.
The lost moment unwinds.
The lost moment reminds.
Messes with our minds.

In that moment there is clarity.
We connect with our reality.
Understand humanity.
Endless possibilities.
Test our comfortability.

A chance to breathe.
Rebirth and see.
Are we where
we want to be?

Take that lost moment,
to reset your focus.
To find yourself and
your new found purpose.

last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop

I stand in the back of the crowd
looking around
is anyone really here
or am i seeing shadows
because surely these people aren't real
With their smiling faces
in the midst of a war
With diamonds and pearls
hanging from their necks
in a time where money is rare
They must be shadows
I can promise you they aren't real

“I know when you’re sad,
I can tell when you’re happy,
And I know when something is wrong.”
She says

And I believed her

“Look at his arms,
You have to admit he’s hot,
His shirtless scene is my favourite.”
She says

And I stayed quiet

“You’re always so selfish,
Never do what I want,
You only think about whats best for you.”
She says

And I tried harder

“Lets watch this,
Look at this cool thing,
I swear I’m listening.”
She says

And I knew she wasn't

“I’ll go to bed early so I won’t nap,
I went to bed at 3am,
You’re just so comfy.”
She says

And I had 2 hours to my thoughts

“I hate my mom,
She never listens to me,
I’m just not gonna listen to her.”
She says

And I didn’t give my opinion

“Read my chapter.
Have you read my chapter?
I need validation.”
She says

And I could never bring myself to read it

“You’re not a real writer,
You write really good poetry,
It's too sad for me.”
She says

And I didn’t argue

“Are you tired?
You look tired.
You should get some rest.”
She says

And I wasn’t tired

I fell
Not into a hole like Alice did
Nor did I scrape my knee
But I fell

I was okay
Everything was in control
I was starting to love my body
And come to terms with who I was

I was understanding that its okay to not be perfect
I was understanding what its like to be normal
To not be on medication
To smile and mean that smile

I was happy
Not just the happy where I fake it so everyone else is okay
The happy where I could smile from ear to ear
And laugh like I was 5 years old

I was able to look in the mirror and smile
To see long brown hair
To look at my puckered lips
To be okay with what I was

I was okay until I fell
And it wasn’t a small fall
It wasn’t a fall where I could get back up
In this fall I broke something

In this fall I lost a bit of what I had become
I lost the control
I lost the smile
And I lost being okay

This fall sent me into a hole of thoughts
Thoughts about not wanting to be alive
Thoughts about thinking it would be easier to leave
Thoughts about cutting off connections so I could be sad

I lost my balance
I lost my grip
I lost what you need most to climb the big hill
I lost hope

Because now my days are back to being long
They are back to fighting to breathe
I am fighting to push the thoughts away
But I cant anymore

I lost the block that cut off the bad thoughts to good
I used to be able to understand what I did want
But now all I want is death
All I feel is death

I was perfectly okay
I was loving my body
I was loving myself
Until I fell

Now the creaks in my room are my demons coming back out
The crack beneath my door is just another entry for them to come play
And the block being gone makes it easier to give in
To give up

I fell
Into the hole of depression
I am 1000 feet under
And I don’t want to climb back out

Tell me something
Anything
Tell me anything to get these thoughts off my mind

It can be a story
What happened during your day
Even things about me

Just tell me something
Anything
Because these annoying thoughts won’t get out of my head

Tell me about how Alice fell through the rabbit hole
Tell me about the people at work
Tell me you love me

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts are getting louder

Tell me something happy
Something light hearted
Anything thats better than death

Just tell me something
Anything
Because currently I just want to die

Tell me about the good luck you had getting home
About how someone was flirting with you
How your mom called you today

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts are getting meaner

Tell me about a movie you just saw
Something gross you saw today
Something to remind me about the future

Just tell me something
Anything
Because the thoughts make me want to die

Tell me about how much you love the character and hot he was
About how you picked a grey hair out
How we are going to pick our kids up from the bus stop

Just tell me something
Anything
Because I cant help myself anymore

Actually stop talking to me
Shut up about these things
I cant handle it anymore

Just tell me something
Anything
But you aren’t helping anymore

All I can hear is how you only love me when I’m sad
All I can picture is the other guy being better than me
All I can think about is how you think about the movie while we have ***

Stop telling me things
Anything
Because you’re only making it worse

You only mean it when I am sad
Of course he’s better than me
I don’t blame you

I’m gonna pretend to sleep now
And I hope you stop talking
Because now the thoughts have taken over