Numb fingers grip a cold metal **** and turn
Numb legs shuffle numb feet through the doorway
The cold world sends a gust
Like an archer taking one last shot at fleeing prey
But all the cold is a memory
Once I enter the warmth of your arms
When I can lay my head in your lap
And be blanketed with love and reassurance
You’ve made yourself my home
The pillow I can rest my head on when I’m exhausted
But you can’t let me sleep forever.

The cold used to shock me
Intense and unrelenting
I could use the shock to drive me
To run or light fires
I used to want to fix it
And the cold made me better
But now my body’s adapted
And escape is only a message away

Now I’m stuck in a blizzard I’ve let develop
In a cold that will eventually **** me
But I’m too numb to do anything anymore
With guilt, I turn to you to ask more than I deserve

You just wanted to be my comfy place
My escape from the cold
But I’m asking you to be a rock
Be something I can lean on for support
Be something that pushes me forward
Break me out of this numbness
Make me fight the cold again
So that this blizzard with dissolve
Love me in a way that doesn’t feel like loving to you.

The arrival of life
Something new is beginning
Before my very eyes
The world does not try to hide it
I’ll be replaced even before I’m buried
But I do not resent you
I’m not jealous of what I’ll miss
I’ve already lived my lifetime
And that’s all anybody gets.

My body slows
As gravity has it’s way with me
My mind is slowing too
Slowly the neural network is going dark
And with everything slowing down
What does time do?
It races ever faster
Our first day was longer than last week.

The page is turned once again
As a eulogy of winter is recited
While the weather outside steadily
Changes the season
As the sun seems to shift
Towards the North
Until it reaches its maximum height in the sky.

I see the leaves regain life
And flowers sprout from the ground
Blossoming the earth
With new shades.
The Vernal ground develops
As I can see the dirt slowly begin to give
Between my feet
As the ground in which I stand
Has no seasons.
Its nature is unknown
And already it rots at my feet
It’s as though even nature
Has an understanding
That soon is my time to go.

Was it a glitch?
Or was it a reminder
That the end is coming?
I speak to the stars
To provide answers,
As they have passed on
Inspiration to gaze upon
For years,
But they remain silent
As though they have forgotten me.
Perhaps since I learned my death day
On January 1st,
I lost my ability to live
With the gift
Of new knowledge.

I cheated,
And now feel invisible
As the world
Passes around me.
I’m no longer an obstruction
I’m just a figure
With no shadow,
With only the ability to write,
And post
And fulfill what I promised,
But I fear
What comes after
When yesterday’s
Was written illegible.

A cold abrasion
Numbing as quickly
As the words outpouring
Making raw a mind
Knowing no different
Than to accept
And try to live with
The disappointment
Of oneself.

Havoc raining as a wave
Twice as tall
Allowing no escape
But to watch
As the trauma unfolds
And the words
Spoken out of hate
Branded on my brain
As a reminder
Of being unworthy.

A blank canvas
Unknowing
To the wide staring eyes
Bruised beneath
The blank canvas veil
That is the shell
Of skin,
More alien on this body
The more photo albums
A mind fills with memories.

Could I really be
The monster
Of which
She speaks?

Deleting
Is the only option
To escape the toil
Of counting fingers
And reading
Truths and falsehoods
To conclude
Innocence or guilt
In my adolescence.

Silence is a grave
That one finds comfort in
When these walls
Are so used to ringing ears
From the storm
That only lasts seconds
But lingers
In the gilded silence
As the mind speaks
Above the bloodflow
When all one can do
Is plug ears
With fingertips
In order to live with oneself

Retaliation lies beneath
The bleeding
Now only visible
If friends are let close
To see
As the heart
Tears threads
That have been sewn
To restrict emotion
Loosening the seal
On the demon cradled within

A furnace
Are thrown the old photo albums
But in turn are the recents
As a block in the mind
Has been created
To forget
Because nothing is worth remembering
During a childhood
Of only knowing
The names
And the fear
Of what you are,
And after such a block has been made
Remembrance
Is no longer
A thread
Sewn in
To allow an escape.

These days the well of ideas runs dry
I can no longer lower my bucket
And bring it up full
With enough to satisfy your thirst for creativity
And to satisfy my thirst to create
Yet I am chained to my commitment
To bring you this daily offering
So I turn to the dry stones of my well
And try to squeeze water from them

I hope this mere drop is enough

As the days brush the pages of a calendar
And the sunsets feel more monochrome
While the breeze feels less relaxing
When the stars seem to shine dimmer
Beyond the moon, misunderstood
With the tides turning, burdensome
The road will lead to March,
And then forever on.

Shades of green, brown, yellow, orange
The death fall brings is beautiful withering
But winter's soft white blankets
Replace that beauty with monotone
And make the air too cold for moving
It freezes the soul
To be trapped inside walls
And only see only white under an infinite grey sky
I struggle to feel or want anything
But to exist for the purpose of staying warm
Until spring's promise is followed through
And the earth's plants thirsting for water and starving for sun
Emerge from melted snow to usher in warmth and color again.