I love you,
Truly I do.

You don't see this,
How could you not?
I wear this ring , I provide ,I support.
I do more than I should,
Just so you are protected and provided for .
Just so you are safe.

Yet,
All this while , you don't see it.
I provide almost everything,
I'm in debt and you know it.

You borrowed so much money from me ,
Never gave back.
That should have been my **** clue.

Here I am ,
Providing the best meals,
The best holidays ,
A comfortable home.

Here you are,
The little you earn,
You think of everyone else first.
Like you don't owe me so much already.

You give gifts ,
To people who don't need nor expect it.

You don't even see this.
It's partly my fault.
I provided everything.
To my own detriment.

I did it all for you.

You don't see it.
I don't know how to make you see it.
I just don't know .

I love you with all my heart.
I still, just don't know .

All I know is,
I can't ,I won't keep being this.
I can't be your back bone.
When you ain't mine.

I'm soon to turn 30,
Yet one thing still easily slips my fingers,
I've read so many books,
I've watched so many tutorials,
I've blamed myself,
I've blamed others,
I've given up .

Then I get pull right back in.
The hope of fulfillment of a promise,
Achieving the desires in of my heart,
The longing I've buried so long,
The need that won't be ignored.

I get pulled right back in,
With a soul that seems mature,
A person that is loving, caring enough
To have me dreaming,
To have me hoping,
To revive my longing,
From the deep depths,
of my caged up heart.

The cycle then repeats,
Everything starts to fade,
My heart shrieks in pain,
I decide never again.
I give up on the dream.
I bury it all away,
Never to ache again ,
From a Love that I once thought would last.

In the meantime,
I need a drink.
Make it a red wine,
Something good for the heart finally.

How come ,
All I want is you .

How come ,
You don't need me the same way.

With you,
my heart is full of joy,
All I want is for you ,
to feel the same joy.

Yet ,
you don't see me that way.
As much as I know it's not my fault,
I can't help but wonder why?

Ain't I strong enough,
Smart enough,
Pretty enough,
Young enough,
Funny Enough.

Was it that I did too much
or too little.

Was it that I was independent ,
and it was ******* your ego.

Didn't I put you first,
Didn't I try enough.

I know I can't blame myself,
but
how come,
how come,
You never loved me back?

They say ,
When you stop wanting something,
"You receive it".

How funny and contradictory,
I gave up ,got fed up with heartache,
Made peace with being alone,
No Cinderella story for me .
I was happy for those who found it
I'd rejoice with them
Not even feel envious.
I was okay.

Then out of the blue,
With so much intrigue and complexity,
He showed up ,
Being perfect, treating me right.
Saying the right things,
Igniting passions inside me, I had long killed.

I Pushed him away,
Till I couldn't anymore
And I opened up ,
Knowing all the risks.
I let him in.
Didn't feel like much then.

I thought ,
It wouldn't last ,
Told myself not to like him.
******* me.
Cupid must be laughing
Because now I see all the signs,
Signs I've been so familiar with.

Beginning of the end,
I feel the crush in my heart,
The pain that can't just be erased.
The reality of why I had given up.
The reason to give up again.

I can be happy alone,
Doesn't mean I'm lonely.
Some things just aren't meant for me.
You've had your fun cupid.
Now let me go please.
Let me go heal.

Isn't it?
The Unpredictability of life,
The spontaneous nature of people,
The will to do more,
So much to be grateful for.
So much to look forward to.
So much to love.

Every now and then,
I get a bit emotional,
I feel the lost touch ,
To a reality I wanted to live.
A family I wanted to have,
A life to share with my love,
The joys of growing old together.

I lost touch ,
With my plans,
My future ,
My list of unrealized dreams,
The illusion of young age.

Every now and then ,
It hits me ,
Hits me real hard,
It's just me.

Please excuse me for my days of doubt
On these days I have to write it out

Otherwise these feelings stay inside
Get down in my soul and hide

Then eat away all my will
In this these feelings are very skilled

The foster thoughts of death and release
They are definitely a cunning thief

But when I write on these days, they are not sympathy
It's just to get out all the intensity