forgiveness. a word I never thought to apply to the years we spent together. forgiveness. the things you did, the words I said. there’s a million excuses I could give to justify why I never did it. there’s a hundred thousand reasons why I should. healing. we had our own ways of trying to heal ourselves and we hurt each other in the process. healing. the damage that was done in the process is something I’ll never forget. there’s a lot of things I could say to explain away why I blamed you for the pain I was in. and there’s so many reasons why I never showed up to apologize for the way things ended. acceptance. one day I’ll be able to look you in the eye and be okay. acceptance. maybe someday you won’t be a stranger in the same sense. forgiveness. i forgive you. forgiveness. i forgive you.

Staring at myself in the mirror,
counting every tear that falls,
watching all the hurt play out
across my face, once again, when I'm all alone.

Lying through gritted teeth and fake smiles
that everything is fine and I'm okay -
Knowing that I spend nights begging and pleading with myself
just to keep fighting and holding on a little longer.

Wondering what I must do to stay,
feeling like I no longer have control.
Dragging myself to the edge of the pier...
Pushing and pulling, wanting to jump but not!

and a year has flown by.
kisses and racing hearts and sparkling eyes.
laughter and raised voices and growth.
lonely nights turned into late night talks.
where holding each other was a promise.
mornings filled with humor and glee.
sleepy kisses and fingers intertwined.
it’s a good love we’ve created together.
the “windows down radio up”kinda love.
the “pull you closer at night”kinda love.
the“wanna marry you now”kinda love.
we push each other’s buttons sometimes.
we sleep far away in the same bed too.
we don’t let anger rule the evenings.
come morning, we’re curled up together again.

My heart’s in lockdown and
I can’t break free,
I wish I could feel something,
Wish I could be me.

I feel like I’m running in circles,
Striving for emotion,
When all I feel is numb
And sick of my devotion

To the voices in my head
Who keep telling me to quit,
“Why not just give up now,
There’s no way to fix it!”

But I know there’s something there,
In the deepest part of me,
Something that still wants to learn,
Love and move and breathe.

So I will spend some time today,
And love that part of me,
And lock down all the saddened parts and
Start to break free.