hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.
i. forgot how to breathe.
my head. is so ******* full.
this. is just so complicated.
life. i don't know how to live.
you. taught me to be afraid.
we. we were two separate people.
i. lived in your shadow constantly.
forgiveness. something i cannot give.
closure. what closure is there to have?
i cannot give what there is none of.
you. taught me the world is cruel.
i. believed that your words were true.
a false sense of trust you embedded.
i tripped over your words all the time.
and you stood by and watched me.
watched as i made a fool of myself.
you laughed when i was sobbing.
told me that i would never be enough.
convinced me i was nothing at all.
you. my shadow, my worst critic.
we. there is no you without me.
you are me.
we are the same.
hello anxiety my old friend.
been awhile since i've given into my old ways.
kinda strange, to be standing on your doorstep.
woulda thought i'd find somewhere else to be.
wild thoughts running through my head.
and i, i didn't even think you still cared for me.
truth is, i'm not the same person i was months ago,
and you, you probably will never believe that ever.
my world has shrunk again, and i gotta get out of here.
desperate for something to balance me once more.
i can't help but cling to the same draining thoughts.
i can't help but close myself off from the entire world.
hello anxiety my old friend.
are you here to once more throw everything in my face?
you're desperate to prove to me that i'll never change.
you've torn everything apart and blame me.
take my hand, love, and just give me some clarity.
it's a relief to be with you.
it's just like breathing in and out.
so natural that i don't have to think twice.
I'd choose you over everything else.
the last time i did this, i was trapped.
i couldn't breathe, couldn't think.
i drank and swallowed pills instead.
i thought dying was the only way i could free myself.
you lead in this dance, but i trust you to catch me if i fall.
i'm not scared of you.
i'll give you all i have and more.
fingertips stumbling over worn pages.
i love you's lost in the wind.
just wait for the sun.
she'll come warm you up love
i woke up this morning and felt something shift inside me.
it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders; it was freeing.
i could breathe easier, think more clearly, and talk coherently.
i didn't check to see if anyone was watching me through the window.
in case you're wondering, i don't think of you much anymore.
my mind doesn't wander to thoughts of you and me and what was us.
my head is less crowded now that i've finally let go of you and me and us.
i sleep through the night, and that had never happened before.
i woke up this morning, and i smiled sincerely for the first time in weeks.
my freckles don't stand so stark against my skin in the mirror.
i'm starting to really love the girl i see in my reflection.
i'm starting to think and to believe that i can and will accomplish my dreams.
in case you're wondering, i'm not the broken girl you used to love.
i don't constantly wonder if i'm enough for anyone anymore.
i don't wonder why you couldn't love me the right way from the start.
and whatever good times we shared, well, i threw them out with last week's trash.
because we never really were in love, were we now?
you didn't make time, you were never really there and i know you never truly cared.
and i was a fool for staying by your side when all you ever did and continued to do was lift me up and then knock me down.
and i'm not a fool for your love anymore.
i moved on to something bigger and better and have no room for you in my life anymore.