it's cold outside and I can't sleep. hard not to get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm nobody in this city. hard not to think that I'll never be good enough for someone, that all I'll ever be will only ever be defined by what I've done in the past, and not by what I'm doing now.
I've tried running from my past, and it didn't work. I'm facing who I used to be, and I've been working and taking steps to be different and change the way I go about life. I don't smoke as much and I don't drink as much either. but I also don't do yoga. I also don't go for walks by myself and I don't do half the things I used to do when I wasn't doing well. nobody's to blame but me. And I sure wish people would stop judging my person by the things I've done in the past. I'm trying to get better, stop being so mean.
And it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I'll never be enough for anyone around me. I can't shake the thoughts running through my head, clashing against the ones that tell me to keep going. I keep a light on at night, afraid that if I let the darkness swallow me, I'll never arise from the depression that constantly surrounds me. and I don't talk to people about what's really going on because nobody can really help me. you can't save me. I have to do that on my own.
and because of how I've been treated in the past, I'm less likely to reach out and ask someone directly and clearly for help. I would rather lightly vent and then deal with it on my own. because the last time I asked someone close to me for help, they gaslighted me and made it so bad that I honestly thought suicide was my only way out of the hell I was living.
and maybe I look and seem fragile and weak and naive and oblivious to the world around me, but truth is, I notice and I see and I hear just about everything around me. I see the way people look at me, before they know my past and after they learn it. their looks go from sweet and understanding to wary and distrustful. they treat you less like a person and more like unwanted lettuce they don't want in their salad. they say they understand and want to help you move through it, but really they don't want that burden.
They'll swear that they love you no matter what, and then later they'll say sorry, but your past is unforgivable. And you'll say that it's ok, you're used to people leaving you, but in reality, it hurts so bad, you can't tell what hurts more, them leaving, or the harsh reality that nobody is going to ever love you unconditionally.
Love is not unconditional. It always comes with a price, and often the cost of love is a price nobody ever wanted to pay. they say that love is the answer, but it's what kills us in the end. and you might want him to stay forever, but do you really think you can handle paying the price that his love costs? and when he says he'll love you at no price, forever, don't take his word for it. because even though he says it in the beginning, he'll change his mind, and you'll be stuck paying the price while he gets to walk away with barely a scratch on him.