Sometimes I slip back into reality,
And get a glimpse of it.
Then the wave of daydreams
And fantasies pulls me back under
Never knowing when I'll be back up
For air

Is it weird i am not attracted to anyone right now
I am not dreaming of a person anymore.
I get over people fairly quick, is that bad?
Just a few days ago I said i had a crush
Well i don't anymore, just like the rest of the year
I am not attracted to boys or girls. At the moment.
I haven't been all year, while i try searching.
Searching for someone. like the lighthouse searches
for the lost boat in a sea of emptiness.
I know right now i am truly not ready for love,
or a relationship. commitment. although...
every night i dream of two hands wrapped around my waist,
In a comforting, protecting, loving embrace.

I'm a second hand girl
Who just wanted to be
Your number one

There are some feelings
Kept deep inside
To keep from hurting
*Others

What if we stopped seeing people as a gender, race, or religion
And started seeing them as actual human souls instead?

I want to be more active
And not spew about all my feelings
I'm done pitying myself,
I just need to trust God,
Anyways here's an ending bucket list
Because I won't write back in a while:

Free swim with whales and sharks
See a lion pride
Shark cage diving
Sky dive
Ski a double black diamond
Climb a mountain
Film a tornado
Learn to surf
Learn to snowboard
Learn to scuba dive
See a wild wolf pack
See a wild brown bear
Hang glide
Paraglide
Cliff dive
Ride Route 66
Camp in complete wilderness of Yellowstone for week
Hike mount Haleakala, Hawaii, and photograph night sky
Visit equafina springs FL (again)
Camp on a beach (not crowded) with friends
Kiss in the rain
Go tree tent camping in smoky mountains
Own bonsai tree for many years
Own horses
Dye my hair (once)
Camp on my own private sail boat w friends
Write a book (actually commit, doesn't have to be good or published)
Own theses dogs: Newfie, husky, Akita
Live in Alaska
Live in the Yukon
Live in Colorado
Climb the grand Tetons and pray
Live without a cell phone
See Unimak pass Alaska and film orcas
Milk a cow

Sometimes it feels like I'm only visible
When you need me to be
When you want me to be,
Then, I disappear, only to reappear
When you feel like it

What you don't understand is that *** and love should be together
You want *** for the pleasure of it, not the love of the other person
It's self centered that way, defeating the purpose of its creation
So no, I will not have *** with you just for fun, just for you
Because I am not in love with you, nor are you in love with me

I need to try and stop saying discouraging words when I look in the mirror
I need to stop wincing at reflections in the buildings windows
I need to purposely not look at my reflections to spare the pain anymore
People can't believe I hate myself when it comes to physical appearance
But the small jokes I make are as serious as my outlook on myself
And walking down the hallways is an effort to mask my face and body
And I'm desperately trying to patch the holes in myself
The holes that allowed my self confidence to leak from me in the first place
The holes drilled over and over by the repeated words that weren't meant to hurt
But I knew the hidden meaning, I knew the real thoughts underneath
And as people constantly hammer in to me you are beautiful
It becomes a familiar sound, a phrase more cliché to me than yolo
And as the dark cloud of self hatred looms ominously overhead,
It is only visible to those who truly know me, those who see the thunderstorm
It's funny how the people who try and lift you up end up slamming you to the ground
And when you hit rock bottom you stop trying to disguise the rocks that are ugly
You stop trying to cover them with make up, you stop trying
Because a rock is a rock no matter the cover up, and it'll be ugly no matter what
And if I'm a rock someone hand me a chisel so I can carve myself down
And shape myself into the girl in the ******* magazine,
Because who could ever be a attracted to a girl who wouldn't date herself
Who would love someone trying to make up for their lack of love for themselves
By loving everyone else, and patching their holes leaving myself empty
It's funny how the people who say I'm beautiful would never date me
It's funny how my mother will not utter the words that would save her drowning child
Yes honey, you  are  beautiful
But instead I have sunk to the pit of the ocean, who cares about trying to hold my breath

My medications almost gone
My medications almost gone
Will I go to the store
My medications almost gone

I’m sorry I missed my session
I’m sorry I missed my session
You thought I was dead
I’m sorry I missed my session

I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule
I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule
But my psychiatrist doesn’t know me
I’m sorry I didn’t reschedule

I didn’t do your homework
I didn’t do your homework
No yeah I knew it was due
I didn’t do your homework

I lied so I could leave early
I lied so I could leave early
I messed up your work
I lied so I could leave early

I slept between my classes
I slept between my classes
I put my earbuds in
I slept between my classes

I didn’t talk at dinner
I didn’t talk at dinner
I left y’all feeling awkward
I didn’t talk at dinner

I’m sitting in the library
I’m sitting in the library
I haven’t done a thing
I’m sitting in the library

Even though I'm not so asexual anymore
Remind me again why I would be ******
If I don't have a good enough body to attract like that

If we were all pieces of cloth
And our ****** purity was represented
Some peoples would be stained,
Others maybe even torn,
But my cloth would be pretty clean
And that's okay too

They said I was
Your shadow
Maybe I was
Maybe I am
Is that what
You think
Of me as?

She doesn't know I know
She doesn't know what I do
She doesn't know how it is

She's crashing, get a crash cart
The pain was too great
Push one of epinephrine
She was flying so high
Set to two fifty
Until the heart break
Clear!
Then she crashed,
Nothing, set to three hundred!*
Love was so beautiful
Clear!
How did it end up killing her?
*Nothing.... Time of death?

Sometimes we get a rush and decide we are ready to be grown
So we do adult things thinking now everyone will know I'm grown
When truly it makes you look more immature than ever

Midnight calls and crying
This is how ****** up love is
It's all the same no?
Someone please show me different

You don't want to talk,
That's clear to see
You don't really care
About these things
Sorry that I bother you
Sorry that I share
I thought you liked it
I thought you cared

Heart is circling the drain
Water falling hot like rain

You couldn't make it any clearer, your hatred towards me
At least, I have to assume it's hate, who would treat someone like that otherwise?
Just another person I can put in the book of people who don't want anything to do with me
Except this time, it's a family member

Please forgive me if I pull away from you while you hold me
But your attempt at comfort may be something ******* me up more
The way you whisper in my ear sends jolts into my brain
And the way your hand traces circular motions on my back
Makes me feel sicker than I already am.

I'm so lonely that I'm sick
And I'm sick of being lonely

I just keep getting sicker
Congested with these thoughts
Wheezing, hacking away
But it's viral and it's spreading
Taking over cells one by one
They say it's only a cold
They say it's all in my head
*And they are right

Do you like the way it makes you sick?
Do you swim in the nauseous waves?
How do you live through the guilt
How do you live through the shame
Do you get the feeling afterwards
That you're even more lost and sad
Than before?

You are so pretty
I'll never be like you
You are so pretty

She's everything I'm not
She's tall (*** look how tall)
She's tan and long hair
In the words of my Granny
She has perfect lips
Isn't she the nicest human
"the prettiest girl at the dinner table"
I guess she got every good gene
And I got every bad one

I sit alone at a table for two
Trying not to eat my food too fast
I catch myself staring at another table
I think they noticed
I look away but tune back in
Pretending as if I was there
I watch a boy kiss his girlfriend
She seems annoyed
I get mad at her for being annoyed
I catch a guy looking at me
As if weirded out
I pull out my phone and pretend to text
Everyone in this dining hall
Talking, laughing, kissing,
I begin to pop grapes into my mouth
A grape missed my mouth
It falls out and drops onto the floor
I turn red and mutter to myself
I finish the grapes and stare at the screen
I’d give anything to stop being seen
I leave the cafeteria and walk outside
At least out here it’s easier to hide

Yes I'm a skeptic
But I have all the reasons to be

its fun to sketch your friends personalities
a demon and a movie camera for her
there's a shy smile and pair of kitten ears
or a constellation and and red hair
theres a guitar and Beatles baggy sweatshirt
or an american flag and hot guys
And then theres a complicated one
But mountains and chacos will have to do

Nothing in this world compares to the feeling
Of gliding through a Rocky Mountain snowy forest
Powder gliding under the skis, silently
And feeling like you're, for once, at peace

Skinny feels
Not like people think,
Bony, awkward, too lean
Bones protruding,
No more curves
Thin limbs, skinny hurts
Eat like a bottomless pit
Look in a mirror
Feel like ****
Skinny means no *****
No ****, no hips
Skinny isn't muscular
It's the opposite if ripped
It's slouching in the hall
Pointy elbows and knees
Loose pants, shirts
No matter how much you eat
Skinny means
Feeling like a stick
Skinny can make anyone
Look small and sick
Skinny gives the impression
Of weak, shaky frames
Skinny makes me regret
The middle school nicknames
Skinny shouldn't be a goal
Thank God
If you look full and whole
Making feel as good as dirt
Everyone out there,
I promise. *skinny hurts

This feels funny
But it's better
Than feeling depressed

I just don't want to sleep alone tonight
I just really really don't want to

I slip just below the surface
Like a thin blanket separating
The unconscious from not
But I never quite make it
To either side

Why am I still up
It's 12:34 and I'm wide awake
I hate sleeping with silence
Background noise is a must
The box fan will do
Much better
I'm still hot. Great.
rolls over, pauses.. kicks sheet off
Why is this bed so hot?!
Okay situate the pillow
Cough a few more times.
Lay on my back
Look up at the glow in the dark
Hanging solar system
Peek behind window curtains,
Look for signs of rain
Nope. Well that's disappointing.
Close my eyes.
This isn't working,
plays sleepy playlist
Close your eyes
Sing the song in your head
That's better..

Everything just slowed down
I am feeling strangely numb again

How can this be normal now
How am I not phased by this
I sat in a room and watched
My family break apart and
Somehow it's all slow motion

The small circles under my eyes
Are getting harder to cover up
Just like all of the recent lies

Suppose my goal is how often can I make you smile

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

I sit near the river
To soak up my thoughts

He spread out his arms like an eagle flying
Then I realized we were indeed *soaring

I want to lay so close to someone
That our lips have to touch

You see I was never good at showing my soft side
For fear people would attack the underbelly of emotion
I mean why expose yourself when everyone
Already admitted you weren't lovable

Could you be more hateful?
Literally I only have one word
To describe what you are
And it is pure hateful
Screaming until your voice
Starts cracking at the tv
Because you simply disagree
Is a little out at control
And it's just that out if control (ness)
That makes me scared of you

One day there will be
someone just for me
I will feel protected by their
embrace, soft eyes
And they will fall in love
with every crazy thing I do
While doing them with me

I would be in love with so many people,
I they weren't already in relationships or
If I thought they would love me back
Some would freak out and not be my friend
Others are already taken, and they are so happy
While I'm sitting here dreaming of fantasy love
Waiting for someone new to show up,
Because I'm tired of the people already here
I know their personalities, and if I'm not in love now,
Chances are I won't be in the future
So someone new show up in my life
Please light a spark in the embers of my heart

You say you want to kiss me
And I'm sure you really do
But you only want to kiss me
So I can admire you
You don't love me at all,
Obviously you're with him
I'm tired of being someone to use