I'm getting tired of saying *****
Or using the phrase '**** my ****'
I'm tired of talking about grades
I'm through hearing about white shirts
Can we come up with anything else
To have a friendly, fun conversation?

Everyone I know has worked backwards
Everyone is becoming more and more immature
Truly acting like the teenagers they really are
That's also including me, but at least I'm noticing
We are sixteen years old, time to start acting like it

Every time it turned 11:11 I wished to be with you
My last 11:11 wish for you, is that you find someone
Who makes you want to cross the line over and over

It's always about white boys
Or ranting about school
To tell you the truth everyone
Seems to have melted into
The same mold, the same
And lost their individuality
I'm wondering if I am too
And it's making me sick

I'm dandelion to you
But Piper to who?

Tapping at the keys in my soul
Strumming the heart strings
Beating me down like a drum
Blowing me away, woodwind
The rhythm is hard to follow
But the beat is your heart
*love is music, love is a song

Play the music louder
Dance a little bolder
Feel the emotions bubble
Within you as you
Let it all seep out
Through the rhythm
Of your hips

I keep finding myself searching desperately
My mind is distracted, slipping out of reality
It seems I find more comfort in my recent dreams,
Than what is actually occurring in real life

I hate watching old videos of myself
Not because they are embarrassing
But because I was so **** pretty

its fun to sketch your friends personalities
a demon and a movie camera for her
there's a shy smile and pair of kitten ears
or a constellation and and red hair
theres a guitar and Beatles baggy sweatshirt
or an american flag and hot guys
And then theres a complicated one
But mountains and chacos will have to do

My late Grampi used to say 'flat rock'
In the mountains when one appeared
And flat rocks taught me to be still
And actually take in the mountains
To stop rushing through the hike
And just stop and breathe for a second
In life I want to stop rushing
Let things flow like a lazy river
Find more flat rocks in life to lay on
And help more people lay with me

I left my phone in the gym
What a small black rectangle
Filled with many secrets
Many unpublished poems
Many short stories of life
Many unfinished text messages
Sitting alone in my locker
Cracked everywhere but the front
With my friends and emojis
Secret new and old tumblrs
Pictures I cry when I see
Quotes I cry when I read
What a small piece of metal
To hold my life's story
Every friend, foe, lover
Every tear from sadness, laughter
All woven and intertwined
Within the circuits and wires

I understand
I really do
That you got those feelings
That something isn't right
I respect that
I want you to do what makes you happy
I don't want you to be uneasy or unsure
However I would like you to know
That I still love you
I do
And that that while you were feeling nauseous and wrong
I was feeling truly loved and pure bliss
I have never felt that way ever
And I'm glad that it happened
And I wanted you to know
I would have kissed you
I honest to God would have
If my friends and sister weren't there
But I also know
If you love someone let them go
And I'm so glad you told me
Because although you had me
You wouldn't have felt right
And that's what's important
You made me feel like someone actually wanted me
And although it was probably just late night drunkeness
I don't like to think if it that way
I respect you wanting to be alone
And unattached
And no matter how hard it was for me to say 'I gotchu totally'
I really do get it
I just didn't want you to have the impression
That I didn't love or want you
Because I can assure you
Everything was different for me that night
And I would have given up the cold for heat any day
The way I felt
I'm sorry if this ******* writing makes you nauseous
I'm sorry if this isn't helping you achieve what it is you want
But I thought you needed to know
Because I'm just as awkward as you when it comes to talking

Maybe these aren't hormones
But my true feelings coming out
And proving me wrong
For the second time in my life

What is this
I thought
I figured it out

What is with these dark thoughts
Is it the morbid end to this dark year
Perhaps next year will bring
My happy self back, and my family too

So many poems about the what if
But I wasn't prepared for the reality
That my family could fall apart all together

Your mother and I have a lot of trust for you
We know you wouldn't do this but we thought we'd reiterate
If you know anyone dating a black man,
You are to tell us and will never talk to that person again
I grew increasingly infuriated by this chat
So what if it were an Asian man? Would you let me date them?
My dad shifts, shocked I would have a counter question
Well I guess that would be okay, only because
They come to America striving to do their best
However, if prefer it'd be a white man
You see. Black people do not try. They have attitudes
And it's becoming a fad to hang out with them
It took all of my will to not lunge at him
My mother chimes in,
The the bad attitudes of some black people
Pull down the reputation for the entire race
It shouldn't be that way, I mutter
My dad leans forward, why are you sticking up for them
He begins to scream, my trust has dropped!
Stop trying to argue because their is no argument!
No matter what you say it'll be a NO
And it seems like your being suspicious
So to clear things up, YOU WILL BE KICKED OUT OF THIS HOUSE
If you ever date a black person.
The tears flow like a broken pipe and I shutter,
*Not because I can't date a black man, but because of the inequality and racism that my parents reek of

You're scaring her
That glint in your eye
The way your mouth curves
The shaking with rage
You're scaring her
Not because she's afraid
That you'll hurt her physically
But even worse
How dare you call her pretty
How dare you say
You are justified
You're scaring her
And this time her mother
She doesn't care
Her mother has come to
Dislike her just as much as you
You're scaring her
And now she suffers physically
Her head is pounding
Eyes are burning dry
You are scaring her
Yet you know. Yet you don't care.

My head hasn't stopped throbbing
Because of the past hour of crying

When more than one person calls you unattractive
And all in a matter of only two days
It really does stuff to you

Sure my dad says it outright
He wishes I were different
But what hurts the most
Is my own mother, lined with
Silent disapproval in her eyes
The frown lines on her face
What a beautiful woman
With a deep, hidden disgust
For her own daughter,
That's struggling to make her see
That she is suffering deeply
From the glares and stares,
From blank, emotionless faces

I never really understood the feeling of flames and fire
Until now

*******, a word to make me shutter
As my stomach churns like butter
I can move my hips just fine
But top, that is a different side
The only time I'm ******* is in my room
And even then I want to hide
No one should see what's under there
Maybe they don't, but I still care
When I wear bras with wires and hooks
It's all a show, it's just for looks
What's under there is something I despise
I wouldn't want that image in your mind
I have fantasies like everyone else
But I remain with a top on,
So I won't shutter at myself

Mid April, during Easter
I thought of the closest person to me
And I thought of you
And slowly, it all went deeper
Early May, listening to you
As we sat on that last blue bench
Breezy, yellow caution tape
You told me how you wanted
Anyone to love you
And I looked into your eyes
Wishing to telepathically say it
But you were looking beyond me
Maybe it was her, or her
But it was not me
And after two straight months
Of texting you about how
I needed someone, anyone to love too
I gave up, and slowly moved on
But. There's no denying
I never fell harder

I can't quite fit in the words I want to say

who are you?
are you the little girl I used to hold?
do you remember me?
do you remember yourself?
bright eyed, spirited
you're different Miranda
why can't you remember
*who you are

You think I don't want you,
you think I'm not interested
You hear the snappy comments
You must think I hate you
However, I can assure you it's all the opposite

Never figuring out what God wants from me
My father getting too angry and beating me
My mother will never say the words 'Your'e beautiful'
My child will be nothing at all like me
If I end up with a husband, he will turn out like my dad
Not getting into veterinary school
Not surviving past 18

That's it
I'm surrendering
I'm letting go
Someone better
Catch me

What if you thought you deserved every bit of it

Nine year old didn't know about the word popular
Ten year old was climbing trees and breaking limbs
Eleven year old wasn't thinking about her sexuality
Twelve year old had magical, adventurous whims
Thirteen was introverted, awkward, but confident
Fourteen was extroverted, but began her downfall
Fifteen was self destructive, confused, and anxiety
What will sixteen bring? Will she continue down?
Or is this the point when she turns it around

What if she grew up believing she was the prince
And not the princess

The tree is up and set
The lights are glowing softly
The room is dim and quiet
The only thing missing
Is someone to share it with

Hey I'm the girl without hips or a ****,
But I sure like moving them
Hey I don't have much *****,
But I never said I didn't like others
Hey I blush and giggle like crazy
But Im on top of you in my mind

I'm a little ******* up
A little self focused
A little self hating
A little bit jealous
A little bit confused
A little bit gay
A little bit straight
A little in love
But a little out too
A little messed up
But I'm enjoying every minute

At this point, I would never take my clothes off for anyone
But, I honestly wish I felt differently about my body

Lately Ive been wondering if loves a real thing,
Or is lust the only thing that can really make us sing,
Physical attraction comes with every desire
And I know we want someone to light our fire
I mean it distinguishes friendship from relationship
And it shows a lovers true willingness,
They'd let you have every inch of themselves
But is that what we are really thinking when we have ***?
Are we really admiring the other persons submission?
Or are we taking pleasure in pleasuring our lover
It doesn't seem as "pure" as couples say
But maybe this is coming from a polluted past,
So what the hell, be as ***** as you want

Buttermilk pancakes, fresh off the pan
Returning from the barn, eggs in hand
Nostrils burning, the airs so pure
Pine trees, trails, they're the perfect cure
Woods resembling the appalachian country
Leaves all orange, no, golden like honey
Ancient wooden or old brick homes
Miles of national forest to roam
Trails worn thin by generations of family
I swear, the sun shines brighter, seemingly
Preacher is always dropping by to eat
Lance is out hunting fresh deer meat
And we... we are here to enjoy it all
And occasionally have a trampoline brawl
The point is, this place never feels wrong
Dry Prong, where I feel I truly belong

Something tells me I was meant to be alone
At least for a longer time than I had hoped

Sweating, breathing, silent screaming
Shaking, crosses, mixed love making
Kisses, crying, forced good-bying
Late night terror, morning dream
Guardian angel whispers in my ear
I'm screaming so loud, no one can hear
One more prayer, one more look
Look at my own heart I've took
I've thrown it into jail you see,
To save me from questioning eternity

Certain people give me different impressions
How am I supposed to know if it's friendly or more
Maybe I shouldn't follow anything my heart questions
Maybe I shouldn't think so open anymore

Dreaming doesn't come close
To the feelings I get
When I'm with you in reality

I want to be more active
And not spew about all my feelings
I'm done pitying myself,
I just need to trust God,
Anyways here's an ending bucket list
Because I won't write back in a while:

Free swim with whales and sharks
See a lion pride
Shark cage diving
Sky dive
Ski a double black diamond
Climb a mountain
Film a tornado
Learn to surf
Learn to snowboard
Learn to scuba dive
See a wild wolf pack
See a wild brown bear
Hang glide
Paraglide
Cliff dive
Ride Route 66
Camp in complete wilderness of Yellowstone for week
Hike mount Haleakala, Hawaii, and photograph night sky
Visit equafina springs FL (again)
Camp on a beach (not crowded) with friends
Kiss in the rain
Go tree tent camping in smoky mountains
Own bonsai tree for many years
Own horses
Dye my hair (once)
Camp on my own private sail boat w friends
Write a book (actually commit, doesn't have to be good or published)
Own theses dogs: Newfie, husky, Akita
Live in Alaska
Live in the Yukon
Live in Colorado
Climb the grand Tetons and pray
Live without a cell phone
See Unimak pass Alaska and film orcas
Milk a cow