Something tells me I'll ***** up a relationship
But I'm still open to getting pumped and making out?
Let's have a party
Who knows it could change my mind?

But I can't make the first move

Why don't they understand the way we feel?
It's 3 am in the morning and I'm trying to change your mind
Do I wanna know if this feeling flows both ways
I wouldn't have nothing if I didn't have you
I know we're different but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

I want the flutters
The kisses
The eye contact
The breath
The touch
*The feel of somone else

I want to lay so close to someone
That our lips have to touch

I spent the rest of my day
Watching documentaries on the wolf packs of Yellowstone
And it's funny the capacity the beautiful creatures love
Howling when their leader dies for hours,
Playing like your pet dog plays with you
Defending each other till the death
It opened my eyes to how similar they are to us
Labeled as savage pests, but emotions of human
Amazing how this living breathing soul
Was shot cold in the end by a hunter for *fun

I want to stop writing
It seems everything
I feel to write about
Is some negative aspect
When I could be
Busy actually looking
And opening my eyes
To the love around me

I don't want my parents
Ruining anything anymore
From now on
Everything is a secret

I want to start being light and happy again
I want to lay in the sun at lunch
I want to laugh and make jokes
I'm going to be happy

I need to try and stop saying discouraging words when I look in the mirror
I need to stop wincing at reflections in the buildings windows
I need to purposely not look at my reflections to spare the pain anymore
People can't believe I hate myself when it comes to physical appearance
But the small jokes I make are as serious as my outlook on myself
And walking down the hallways is an effort to mask my face and body
And I'm desperately trying to patch the holes in myself
The holes that allowed my self confidence to leak from me in the first place
The holes drilled over and over by the repeated words that weren't meant to hurt
But I knew the hidden meaning, I knew the real thoughts underneath
And as people constantly hammer in to me you are beautiful
It becomes a familiar sound, a phrase more cliché to me than yolo
And as the dark cloud of self hatred looms ominously overhead,
It is only visible to those who truly know me, those who see the thunderstorm
It's funny how the people who try and lift you up end up slamming you to the ground
And when you hit rock bottom you stop trying to disguise the rocks that are ugly
You stop trying to cover them with make up, you stop trying
Because a rock is a rock no matter the cover up, and it'll be ugly no matter what
And if I'm a rock someone hand me a chisel so I can carve myself down
And shape myself into the girl in the ******* magazine,
Because who could ever be a attracted to a girl who wouldn't date herself
Who would love someone trying to make up for their lack of love for themselves
By loving everyone else, and patching their holes leaving myself empty
It's funny how the people who say I'm beautiful would never date me
It's funny how my mother will not utter the words that would save her drowning child
Yes honey, you  are  beautiful
But instead I have sunk to the pit of the ocean, who cares about trying to hold my breath

I feel as though my drive to write
About my feelings has been exhausted
Everything I feel has already been said
It's the same old thing in repeat

I will be free
No matter what you say
There is nothing you can do
To stop me

I was sitting at the top of the Ferris wheel
Alone in gondola, swaying at the top
The lights flickered below, and a breeze blew
And I hit an all time low,
When I reached for a hand, any hand
But there was not one there

You hate yourself for reasons I can't understand
Fathoming, pondering your small shaking hands
What you don't see in yourself, others do
Talented, beautiful, compassionate you
If you would use Paul McCartney to greatly inspire
You could be like him, if that's your desire
You have a future, a purpose that you can not see
But if you listen to anyone, listen to me
Stay strong, stand firm, don't let them be
The demons in your life, you can be free
Stay the way you are, which is your true beauty
Just let the peace in your life, **Ashley

You have the warmest look of anyone I've ever seen
When you smile  your moon eyes gleam
You don't realize your pretty the way you are
You don't need to listen to death music to force scars
I see your hurting, and feeling inferior
Because some people, to you, seem highly superior
The amounts of your kindness, and small little winks
Or the way your mind simply,  innocently thinks
You don't need to skip out, or stop eating your meal
Your amazing the way you are
Your amazing as **Camille

I  want to wrap you up in a blanket burrito
Sit you in front of a roaring bonfire
And remind you of how amazing you are

I want my hair to grow just a little past my ears
Just to where its shaggy and unkempt

Maybe if people stopped calling me ugly,
I'd have a little higher self confidence
People ask 'how can you not think your pretty'
Maybe it's because occasionally people comment
On my hair, or make a joke about my body
A joke not intended to hurt, and I laugh anyways
But deep down part of me is destroyed

Lets all get together
Have a little party
And all make out

You are suddenly as hazy as fog
You don't smile much anymore
You don't laugh at jokes
You aren't your free loving self
You seem to be slipping away
Your face is more dark and sullen
You are serious and tense
You look at me with suspicious eyes
You are constantly on edge
And it's affecting me more than ever
You lost something special,
And I don't know if it's coming back...

Kisses don't scare me anymore
Even though they seem gross
I think I could tolerate the feeling
Of lips on lips, for a second
Wait not for a second.
*for minutes

this isn't a poem*
I'm a ******* idiot
How could I be so stupid
How could I let this happen
I'm an idiot
That won't tell the truth
Because I don't want to hurt
Anyone anymore

There are some feelings
Kept deep inside
To keep from hurting
*Others

I just want to hug everyone
And clutch them tight
For *more than five seconds

Even though I'm not so asexual anymore
Remind me again why I would be ******
If I don't have a good enough body to attract like that

I am a bisexual, crazy teenage girl
I dream about horses and bears,
I like long hot baths, but cold showers
I am wild about snow and cold
I'll do any dare anyone ever asks
(I've never turned down a dare)
I have seen crazy **** from my parents
I have heard crazy **** from them too
I love morning cartoons,
And I love breakfast for dinner
I like running my *** off
(Or whatever much of an *** I have)
I'll do anything to prove I'm as good as a boy
I consider myself daring as ****
I'm a terrible writer, with a dream
I just want to be kissed,
(Even though I'm just warming up to it)
I have emotional connections to horses
I have cut myself on my wrists, thighs, and stomach
I think I am extremely unattractive
I miss my long hair
I'll do anything to make someone smile

It's 11:23 I'm barely awake
I'm going to write what comes to my mind
Brainstorming is easy
I need a hand to hold
Please someone come watch
Adventure time with me
I know my mom doesn't like me
I wonder if my parents truly think I'm ugly?
Tears are coming out if my eyes
Is crying a normality now?
My head hurts from math
Spooning is also fun
How am I datable?
Oh wait I'm not
Why am I not?
Because I made myself not able to be
Can I make myself datable again?
I think I should learn to love myself
Before I let others love me
I want to get drunk
And do fun ****
**** I used to do last year
Im sleepy

I was running at full speed
Feeling as confident as ever
Then I tripped on myself
And fell flat to the ground
I layed there for weeks
And now I've finally gotten up
And started to walk again

A plague grips me
It's spread from my wrists
To my upper thighs
Fading away with scars
And now it has made
An appearance on my stomach
Perhaps that is why you ask
Am I changing in a stall
Instead of in the open

Two AM, curl in a ball
Knees to chest, thoughts invade
Memories, hate, pressure
Tears from the recent trauma
Inner pain, invisible to daylight
Day light, I tolerate myself
Night, the hate comes back
Grab the temporary, pain reliever
one cut
I'm stupid
two cut
I'm hideous
three cut
My grades are slipping
four cut
perfect for dad
five cut
dad
six cut
I'm a terrible friend
seven cut
I have no excuses
eight cut
I'm ugly
nine cut
Focus on the blade,
Not my trouble
ten cut
Repeat steps 1-10
Until I forget what was killing me
But remember,
There will always be a reminder
The scars on my wrists are gone
The scars on my thighs are new
The scars haven't  formed
On my stomach yet

I hide myself behind sweatshirts
So when people see me
They don't make an assumption
Based on little scars

I'm slipping away from myself
I don't have emotions anymore
That is, except for at two AM

Happiness should not be a visitor
It should be a permanent guest

Skinny feels
Not like people think,
Bony, awkward, too lean
Bones protruding,
No more curves
Thin limbs, skinny hurts
Eat like a bottomless pit
Look in a mirror
Feel like ****
Skinny means no *****
No ****, no hips
Skinny isn't muscular
It's the opposite if ripped
It's slouching in the hall
Pointy elbows and knees
Loose pants, shirts
No matter how much you eat
Skinny means
Feeling like a stick
Skinny can make anyone
Look small and sick
Skinny gives the impression
Of weak, shaky frames
Skinny makes me regret
The middle school nicknames
Skinny shouldn't be a goal
Thank God
If you look full and whole
Making feel as good as dirt
Everyone out there,
I promise. *skinny hurts

I fell asleep in the canopy of an oak tree
Laying down on a high, thick limb
Thick enough to support my entire body
Limb carpeted in stubby tree fern
I awoke to the sound of birds,
And a gentle breeze, reminding me its fall
A small, fat bird perched contently
And I found myself wishing I was a bird
That I could fly away from my problems
That I could close my eyes and finally jump,
But being a bird I could catch myself with wings
I have the comfort of knowing it was myself
That was keeping  me going

So maybe I am not completely asexual
Maybe I can slowly repair my past,
And learn to open my heart... One day

They say beauty is not just skin deep,
They say it's on the inside that counts
But what if I think what's on my inside,
Is just as ugly as what's on my outside

I hate to use the word depressed
To describe my recent feelings
Because I have a friend who
Is severely depressed and struggling
And I feel like someone with my
Minor problems, shouldn't even use that word

I want to be happy,
I am sometimes happy
I am happy when I'm outside,
I am happy when I'm watching bobs burgers
I am happy when I am listening to my music
but I haven't been myself lately
I haven't smiled genuinely much
I wear sweatshirts during hot weather,
And feel extremely uncomfortable without one
All the traumatic experiences are coming back
I feel like my parents are treating me different
Even though my dad hasn't,
I feel as if he's teetering on insanity,
but maybe I'm the one teetering
I feel like I'm scraping by in school,
I can't see my future anymore
But I still want to be cheerful and perky?
What's wrong with me?

If I had a penny and a wishing well
I could do anything, save me from hell
Change my looks, get a better view
But I know I'd give my wish for you
I'd wish you were free from the chains
Wish somehow, it would erase the pain
Wish your depression was gone forever
The ropes holding you back, we're severed
The scars on your wrists fade away
You would feel happily loved *everyday

I'll share with you my problems and my past
You do the same, we can try and make it last
Repairing each other, though will take awhile
Our final goal, to make each other smile
My struggles build up, and drag me down
You'll dive in, making sure I don't drown
We are both experienced swimmers,
Being the life guard of each others lives
And through the rough waves of life,
It's hard to tell we are actually *crying

I feel numb, no sensing,
As if I lost the ability to feel
As if everything is happening
All at once around me
And I'm not even aware

The small circles under my eyes
Are getting harder to cover up
Just like all of the recent lies

I don't like eye contact
I will not hold it,
Except for special occasions
But my eyes prefer to look
At ones lips when the talk
Then dart around
Sketching a mental picture
Of the surroundings
Like if I become too enveloped
In the person talking
They will see through my pupils
And into my mind

I need to stop flirting
And leading you on
Because it won't happen
I can't do it
And it's unfair to you
If I keep acting like
It will

Kissing is as far as I will go right now
And maybe not even kissing,
The thought itself sounds nice,
But I'm saving myself for something
Something that will pop,
And I'm sorry that nothing has popped
My mind and heart tells me no
That this isn't the moment I've waited for

Is there a soul out there,
Who doesn't need *** from a girl,
And would be okay with playing
scrabble on our honeymoon

That moment when a boy says your beautiful
And you've never heard that from the opposite gender,
Then shatters your new self esteem
Because he realizes you don't have long hair anymore
And basically calls you ugly, and a turn off

In speech today we had to write about the perceptions of ourselves
I knew we would not read all of the,m out loud,
So I filled the list of words that described me
More than half were self hatful words, I've always thought of myself
Last night someone told me they cut themselves,
I hope they never do it again, because it's a terrible thing,
I would know because  I had cut myself right before her text
Seeing her text snapped me out of it, which made me hate myself even more
Why? People ask, do people cut themselves?
It is a pain to distract from the pain one is enduring at the moment
However, it is only temporary, leaving behind ugly scars
It's simple to do, especially with a pocket knife in your desk
I'm a terrible person