The alcohol ***** me up every time,
And I just can't seem to find,
My sanity in the calamity,
Of my ever loving mind,
Because when it's drowning in tequila,
I just want sleep with a fella,
I'll invite over random people from Tinder,
Thank the Lord I haven't been murdered,
Or worse, yes there's worse,
Because I'm suicidal, find me a hearse,
I've been this way,
Since the fourth grade,
When my innocence was broken,
And now I'm just too woken,
To the ways of the world and the **** people in it,
And I just can't seem to find my place among it,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind,

I've been in pieces lately,
Crying sometimes uncontrollably,
And that's just not me,
I'm usually relatively happy,
Cracking jokes, to cover my hurt,
So no one knows just how far down in the dirt,
I really am these days,
How much I just want to fade,
Into oblivion, and never resurface,
Because I put a mask on my face,
And tell everyone I'm okay,
It's like an automatic reaction to say,
To never tell anyone how I really feel,
Which is like garbage if you can deal,
With the truth, but most people can't handle it,
Most people don't want the real ****,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind.

They always leave and walk away,
Think I'll be okay, be okay,
But I'm not alright,
Being alone every night,
Reaching for someone who isn't there,
Liking someone who doesn't care,
And no I'm not asking for forever,
I just want someone who doesn't want to share,
Bed hopping like I'm not enough,
And they always leave me when they find out I'm corrupt,
When they break through the mask I put on,
Because inside I'm depressed and half gone,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me,

And maybe if I were up front about my past,
How it's effected me, relationships could last,
But I've tried it, I've been there,
And still they walk away, it's not fair,
But I get it happiness isn't just handed to you,
Maybe just once though, I'd like that to be true,
I don't want to have to work so hard to be normal,
But living in a box was never in the cards for me at all,
When will someone decided I'm worth all the trouble,
All the heart ache, the arguments, and the struggle?
Because I promise once you break down the walls,
It'll be worth the fall,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me.

I'm staring down at my arm holding a knife,
It may be only in my head, but I'm balancing my life,
Weighing out if it's worth the pain,
That I've been dealing with, making me more insane,
I've been ******* over so many times, by people who said they cared,
Well, maybe it's time I give up and stop trying so hard,
Because I've taken all the medications they want to give me,
I've done years and years, so much talking in therapy,
And still I'm here, contemplating the end of it all,
Because there's just so many times you can get up after a fall,

And it's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt,

Someone once told me you can always call me when you don't feel safe,
Well I don't want to be a burden, because I'd be calling every day,
Because lately I've been feeling down, feeling wrong,
About the past and all the things people have done,
And yeah, I'm more of a sinner than a saint at the end of the day,
But that's just the role that these deeds have cast me in to play,
For being abused at such young of an age,
And now I hate myself and want to pay,
Cosmically, permanently, with a smile on my face,
Because it would all be over, I can't keep up this pace,

The pills,
The thrills,
The ****,
The greed,
The hookups,
The makeups,
The alcohol,
The temptation of it all,
And everything in between,
I want to atone for my deeds,

It's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt.

If only my reflection was a tangible thing,
I'd stop feeling this painful sting,
In my knuckles from punching the mirror again,
But it doesn't have quite the right satisfaction,
As flesh and bone,
Obviously my own,
Now I could just scratch myself,
Make myself have to bleed,
But I really just kinda wanna,
Punch myself in the ******* face,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit,

I never let myself be happy,
But if someone could draw me a map,
Show me a place where I can be me,
Instead of hiding in a shell of who I pretend to be,
Because putting on a mask is kind of a habit,
One I need to stop, maybe some violence would solve it?
I've been sad for so long,
Even the meds have worn off,
And my psychologist told me she needs a break,
Cause I won't open up, and stop being fake,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit.

I'm fighting a war inside my head again,
I don't know why it's always life or death inside my brain,
There's no gray areas in my gray matter,
Only black and white, with zero color,
It gets bleak in there, and darker by the day,
I'm slowly going more than more insane,
I thought I hit my lowest point long ago,
But I feel like I'll be there again, before I know,
And I try to drop hints, but you seem to leave them in the cold,
But I get it, I'm the best masker or so I've been told,
So unless I just come right out and tell you my feelings,
You'll go on thinking I'm okay, without a hint of how I'm reeling,
Off balance on the inside, stumbling around underground,
Cause in my head I'll never be out of that basement with it's sounds,
I'm just always going to be stuck in my childhood trauma,
A head-case without a warning label, just asking for her Mama,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have,

And yeah, I'm like alphabet soup, BPD, PTSD, OCD,
Bipolar, alcoholic and addict maybe, and a few other things,
Genetics and circumstance ******* me over without asking,
And now I'm stuck in my head every day wondering if I'm living,
Another day in this forsaken world, or should I just slit my wrists,
Find something to overdose on, or maybe just take a risk,
Cause sometimes when I feed my impulsive beast,
The voices shut up for just a beat,
And yeah, that's bitten me before, but not that bad,
So I haven't learned my lesson, not quite yet,
I just wanna drink myself to forgetting,
That I even wrote something so full of feeling,
Smoke a J, and not remember all my problems in the morning,
Because I'm tired, so tired of remembering,
Carpet stains and moans of pleasure,
Wash my hands over and over,
And maybe one day it'll all be done,
But until that day, I'll be on the run,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have.

You don't have to make your pain smaller,
To fit inside someone else's box of normal,
What happened to you happened,
And effected you how it did,
And you don't have to be a ray of sunshine,
When all you wanna do is cry,
Because someone broke you down into pieces,
And you're trying to clot the wound until it heals,
But baby I gotta let you know it's never gonna be the same,
And I hate to say this too, but that's okay,
Because you're no long the fragile glass figurine,
Who wrote about butterflies in poetry books under the moon's light,
But maybe that's never who you were meant to be,
Because now you're harder and less naive,

Yeah, someone took advantage of your trust baby girl,
And I get that it hurts, sometimes it's a cruel world,
But you gotta dust yourself off and keep marching on,
Even when your shoes and the soles of your feet are long past gone,

Because you're a soldier of your pain,
Forged through the fire of those days,
When someone told you, you were less than dirt,
Took away your innocent veneer and made you hurt,
But now you're just a little less likely to trust,
And maybe that's okay, because you've been hurt enough,
By people who like to put in your back, the sharpest knives,
With a sweet facade and twinkle in their eyes,
You weren't the only one they fooled,
So don't feel too much like a tool,
Even though I know you feel twisted and used,
Because of everything they did to you,
But you can come back from this,
Just put up your fists,
And kick that memory in the ***,
Leave it where it belongs, in the past,

Yeah, someone took advantage of your trust baby girl,
And I get that it hurts, sometimes it's a cruel world,
But you gotta dust yourself off and keep marching on,
Even when your shoes and the soles of your feet are long past gone.

Why do you haunt me when I least expect it,
I can't keep dealing with this ****,
You broke me as a child,
And now I'm just a shadow,
Looking for something solid to cling to,
But nothing is real here in this world,
With the sand sinking through my fingers,
Of the time I was happy with myself,
I don't know where to go,
I just know I gotta go,

You're my personal demon,
And you're the reason,
Nothing is okay in my life,
And happiness cuts like a knife,

I tried so hard to not be you,
But that's who I became in the end,
I'm the monster that is my demon,
And I keep feeding it,
With all these thoughts of that past,
But I can't help the flashbacks,
PTSD from what you did,
I hope you're satisfied,
You got everything,
And I'm stuck here with nothing,
But self-hatred,
Because of what you did,

You're my personal demon,
And you're the reason,
Nothing is okay in my life,
And happiness cuts like a knife.